DatingThread 55 - Spring has Sprung!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oh I think there’ll be opportunities to rename quite a few men. as Mr FannyClamper. Unfortunately I’ve met my fair share and I’m sure I’m not alone

Well I’m getting the idea he likes his own time/space - not necessarily to do anything nefarious but just he can’t be totally bothered sometimes with people.

There is the trope of being ‘into you’ but if someone gets overwhelmed easily then it’s not necessarily they’re not ‘into you’ but haven’t the capacity to engage too much.

But it doesn’t really matter why that much, but it does matter whether this is something you are ok to accept, or think it’s worth discussion and compromise, or accept that wonderful as he seems he can’t give you what you need.

As it might turn out you’re on tenterhooks too often/insecure - even if/when you get secure in him, you may also get resentful.

It is horrible having to think all the time what’s and ifs and maybes and maybe that is enough to leave it now for you and rip the plaster clean off? That is also horrible at first of course so do he good to you and have nice things to do for just you.

I’ll be honest he does seem rather flaky to me. Regardless of him saying b he saw your message late he’d already promised a phone call and not delivered.

His lack of following through with communication is a theme here

Yes I think you are right, also I reckon he compartmentalises as in does one thing at time. I have noticed he never gets his phone out when I am with him, not even if I go to the loo I'll come back and he's not taken it out of his pocket. I think when he's out, he's out. I don't think he's lying about being out late or that he's not into me, he is just so different to me. I'd check my phone halfway through a long night and send a "hey, out now, chat tomorrow." I also have to remember he is not love-bomby or gushy like other men I've dated. He's measured and quite a deep thinker, and I guess a text at 9.00 am the next day to explain the absence is good, or better than silence all today. My nervous system is triggered because we had sex, so looking for signs of him wandering off!

I think poor.

Do you feel anxious, calm, annoyed?

@MsJinks that makes sense. I'm determined not to take on someone else with weak character 😁

I felt anxious before he messaged this morning, now I just feel a bit confused. I realise "anxious and confused" is not the goal in dating. I have had some very toxic experiences and a lot of therapy, but maybe I still have not chosen well again.

I’ve wasted so much time when dating by concentrating on trying to make excuses for why they do this or that or maybe they’re doing this or maybe they’re thinking that …. Instead of focusing on how it was all making ME feel

’I didn’t see the text until late’ does sound a bit lame. If he said he would call you why was he away from his phone all evening?

At least he did text the next day but I would still feel unsettled by that.

Agree with this.

Sorry, rubberduck68 Have you answered him?

When I was reading through I thought you were going to say that you weren't free until 11pm or something & then he was asleep, but I think 5pm is fine & he should have been waiting to hear from you as he'd mentioned the call.

I agree. If the text was at 9/10 then maybe I’d accept it but 5pm??? Especially when a call was pre discussed.

I think it’s pretty shoddy especially after his recent disappearing act for a week.

I know you like this guy @rubberduck68 but is this what you want to be dealing with long term?

@rubberduck68 I also am not glued to my phone and often don’t see messages if I am out, my phone is on low sound, phone stays in my bag. I also get up, look at phone to missed messages that came through the night before. You know he isn’t quick at messaging, but seems to make up conversationally when you are together. I’d rather have someone like that, than someone who constantly looks at their phone. What’s his previous relationship history, maybe he’s still treading carefully, as are you.

Another way to look at it is you have done WELL. You spotted the clues and you are making an informed choice about moving forward.

💐

I have been chatting to a new iron, Mr Blue, and seemed to be going well and he asked me out. I went back with potential dates yesterday lunchtime but haven’t heard anything since. Last heard from him Saturday night. Does this seem normal? I thought I’d hear back yesterday but maybe my expectations are too high for someone I’ve only been chatting to for a few days.

Also talking to Mr Tall, who seems ok but living in a flat share following separation. Smacks a bit of a recent breakup but he says they’ve been separated for a couple of years.

@Polly1979 I think that's relatively normal. As for flat share, I'd wonder with whom and is that to avoid you seeing his place? Mr X would probs do similar - lives in sheltered housing!

Also not quite dating related but thought you'd like a laugh...

An ex once told me with a straight face that circumcised men cannot orgasm 😁

And, of course, he only discovered that after the walk. Because, surely, you never mentioned it on your profile. Jesus wept. Why are men never honest?

Normal is a whole conversation. I would expect something by today tbh but what dates did you give, are they this week?

I think the most likely reasons are

He knew I wasn't keen
He was embarassed I didn't go along with the NT thing
A very hilly 2h20 min walk made me red in the face 😁

The dates are in the future so there’s no need for an imminent response but previously he’d always been quite quick to respond. Hopefully I’ll hear something this evening.

@Nosdacariad good point about him avoiding me seeing his place. We haven’t spoken of meeting up yet but I will bear that in mind!

I look less at frequency and more at intention. If when he messages he is making plans and moving it forwards, then that is the goal. Keep us posted, exciting though if it moves forward.

Ah chick. Sorry to read hes invoked these emotions in you again 😢

Hes made you feel anxious and confused. I don't blame you. He should be making you feel wanted and desired.

Saying he'll call and giving you a time, then not calling is pretty shitty.
It was only 24 hours ago he said he would do it. He surely cant jusy forget? And if he has forgotten then what does that say about what he thinks of you?

Either hes so busy that these thing slip his mind....but busy doing what?!
Or he forgets about his promise to you just over 24 hours ago.....

I need a man to do what they say. In ANY area of life (big hugs)

At this early stage I’d definitely expect a reply within 24 hours to lock something in. Urgh, so frustrating.

How do you all feel about coffee dates as a first meeting? I had one and neither of us felt like we wanted to see eachother again. But I’m honestly not sure I get that much out of sitting opposite someone at a Starbucks. I mean it was fine and we chatted easily but I’m just not so sure about the whole let’s meet for a coffee thing?

I’m an avid coffee drinker so any excuse to go out for one is a winner with me but…

They’re good as a first date and you can get away easy if they’re not what you’re expecting / you don’t connect.

If it’s good then if you choose right place you can extend it…

Each to their own but I think I view a first in person meeting as a step before a first date - do we want a first date?

I was on a walking date yesterday and would have been glad of coffee and an earlier exit 🙂

Betsy95 We all have our own preferences so if a coffee date doesn't work for you then try something else next time.

I've never done coffee as 'the' date. I've had coffee as part of the dates.

Nosdacariad That's how I view it too. Not really a first date just a first meet. I'm sure it used to be called 'Date 0' on here?