I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

I'm sorry OP - if he's not being unfaithful to you now, eventually he will be, or he'll leave.

This exactly.
OPS husband loves her & desires her .
I can’t imagine being rejected over & over again by the person you love , yet be expected to hug & kiss , be affectionate, joke around , like in all fairness.
And yes before everyone has a stroke , I know you shouldn’t have sex if you really don’t want to , but if I were in OPS shoes I would want to explore all avenues into why I don’t want intimacy with my husband anymore.

You sound very miserable and bitter.

Let him sleep with other women. Repressing sex drive is far more detrimental than you think. Is it worth losing a marriage over?

>She has very much been blamed for this and for making her husband feel shit. I didn't just make it up
She shouldn't be blamed for not wanting sex, or for having a low libido

What she does get the blame for is her (lack of) response to the problem.

She knew that rejecting him over and over and over was hurting him. She even says so in her post. Yet, she did absolutely nothing to change that situation. And I don't mean just saying yes if she didn't want it. I'm saying that she could have actually tried to solve the underlying problem. She could have put some effort into trying to figure out why she didn't want sex, and what they could do to change that so that she did want it, even at least sometimes. Talk to a doctor, see a therapist. Do something to show that she understands that he's hurting and that matters to her.

She knew that her actions were hurting him, yet chose to just keep doing it rather than at least trying to find a way not to. That was a choice, and that's what she should be blamed for.

@FamilynotMaiden
And when peri/menopause hits and libido changes- what then? Divorce?

Yes, I believe so, especially if you're no longer compatible. You only have one life, don't waste it.

Looking at it from the perspective that if sex is important in your life and you won't be getting it again, the cleanest option is divorce so you can be with someone who wants regular and enjoyable sex. Or, open the marriage up so you can go and get it elsewhere. Harsh, but either of the two will eventually happen anyway, so get the ball rolling.

@LoveLifeBeHappy So it is OK for a husband to divorce his wife when she hits peri/menopause and, due to significant and unavoidable hormonal changes, temporarily finds her libido changes/sex is painful etc. Are you serious?
May I ask how old you are?
Thank God my husband is a good man who understands that some of these changes are simply unavoidable and supports me well emotionally.
As I hope I do him.
When he was in recovery post significant spinal surgery what should I have done then? Left him for sex elsewhere?!!
No - we take our marriage seriously. We love and respect each other.

Unfortunately this is what happens when you stop affection and intimacy. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do but equally you can't expect it all your way either. I can't understand why you don't understand how rejected he probably feels.
You do it to proctect yourself. I have had to close down all aspects of myself to protect my mental health.

My partner also stopped sex three years ago. He also became less affectionate with me as he no longer had attraction or drive for anyone or anything. I think I cried to myself for near on 2 years for the rejection and how bad my self esteem became due to my partner no longer wanting me.

Now I feel numb. I no longer reach out to him and yet he reaches for me for cuddles in bed and wants to touch me like as a touch on the arm sometimes like why? I do not anymore. He also has a hundred other issues which I aren't going onto on here but I plan to leave him soon. If you're not intimate then you might as well be flatmates or just friends.

@Galaxylights Have you sought any form of couple's counselling? Discussed the issue?

ZOMBIE THREAD

It's sort of appalling how unsympathetic everyone is regarding this issue. Some comments are downright cruel.

OP, have you actually talked to your DH about this or do you just dance around the issue? Have you sat him down and got his side of things? Do you know where the issue has come from? Has it always been an issue? Did it arise after a certain event or over time? Was it something he did or something from the past?

I mean, context is kind of important here.

Ignore everyone saying he'll leave or put his willie in whatever walks by.

Grasp your own situation by the horns and find a solution to this problem. If you ever did love this man, if you still love him, he deserves your attention and not your passivity while your marriage crumbles.

TALK TO HIM.

Don't talk to people online who have no skin in the game. They don't care about your marriage and can't care about it more than you do. You have to stop burying your head in the sand and feeling sorry for yourself while he suffers. It's okay to have your feelings but it's not okay to have yours and dismiss him.

Sort yourself out and SPEAK.

I am in exactly the same position as your husband and i've just began the shutting down process as a way to protect myself from the feeling of rejection. What i can tell you is that this is a temporary shutdown because i strongly believe that without nature getting involved and removing my hormones i'm not going to stop wanting to feel wanted, it doesn't necessarily have to come from penetrative sex but most men in this situation would at least be trying to seek out some sign that their wife is still in to them.

Ultimately that it what it's about, i'm sure for some men it is just about sex but for others including me it's about the deeper connection, knowing that your wife craves you as a person in the same way you crave her, whatever that looks like. Lust will always fizzle out in a relationship it's what's left afterwards that matters.

Why comment then?

I did clearly say, "Looking at it from the perspective that sex is important in your life and you won't be getting it again." If sex isn't important to someone, then of course it isn't an issue.

We're all human at the end of the day. Some people are perfectly happy without sex, while others place a much higher value on it. Everyone is different. Your situation works for you, and it sounds like you have a strong relationship. For others, that may not be the case.

You'd be surprised how many discussions there are on this site about dead bedrooms, mismatched libidos, or one partner no longer wanting sex. It's a significant issue for some couples, even if it isn't for others.

Personally yes I think it's absolutely fine to end a marriage if you're not having sex and it's making you unhappy. Man or woman. You can end a relationship for any reason you want.

And speak for yourself...it's not inevitable for all of us as we reach a certain age.

@Comedycook May I ask how old you are?
I don't buy that there has never, ever been a time when your libido has dropped temporarily for all sorts of different reasons - pregnancy, childbirth, menopause, children, stress etc.
Do I think it would be acceptable for my husband or I to end our marriage due to such periods of time?
No.
It would make us entirely unreasonable and inherently selfish.
Marriage is about being together throughout the highs and the lows of life.

I'm 45...and no I've never experienced that.

But the OP makes it clear that this isn't a temporary drop in libido due to illness, childbirth, stress etc and that its been going on for years.

That is completely different and imo is a valid reason to end a marriage.

Yes marriage is about navigating the highs and lows together, not coping in a lonely relationship because your spouse rejects you.

@Comedycook Not even during pregnancy and childbirth and in the early years (if you have children)?

I do have children and no during pregnancy and after giving birth when I felt exhausted I still felt the same. In fact I actually felt like a weirdo as all I hear is how women go off sex during these times. But no I didn't. But anyway these are usually temp things as a pp said. To simply take sex off the agenda unilaterally and expect your partner to go along with it is really selfish. I really struggle to believe the op loves her husband.

Tbf to @Comedycook pregnancy sex is amazing !!!

@Comedycook Yes I would say you are in the minority. I'm exactly the same age as you and peri has definitely brought about changes; it's sort of expected for many. Luckily nothing major so far, but of course nobody knows how things will differ as they age. And we also have a 5 yo which isn't always conducive!!

@Additup Perhaps not if you're a recurrent miscarriage sufferer with a history of pregnancy loss though?

I'm not, but neither I suspect is the OP. I'm very sorry that you are but it's not really relevant to the thread is it?