I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

@NotGonna How did you find things in peri/menopause?

The word withdrawing implies that this person made a decision, when libido doesn't work like that.

Also I think something that a lot of people fail to understand is that these relationships are unlikely to have a better outcome if the one who doesn't want sex just keeps having it.

The sex is likely to be unenthusiastic and passionless and eventually get worse and worse, so the one who wants sex is still missing out on all of the main things that they want, an enjoyable, mutual, fun sex life, passion, feeling desired etc etc, so the marriage is almost as likely to end anyway as it would if there was no sex at all.

I’m there now, kind of the same but with extra underlying sadness that my ‘good years’ physically have passed me by and I can’t get them back. That’s not me saying that I think that in general menopausal women have no good years ahead, but I’ll never be a 30 (or 40!) year-old woman again, in my prime, with somebody wanting to be with me from a healthy sexual relationship perspective.

I suppose I don’t know how I would be feeling at this age if I did have/had had a healthy sex life.

I’m in a sexless relationship, I’ve posted about this last week, I’m 36 and have worked it out the last 3 years we’ve had sex once a year. I’m stuck between leaving him to find someone else, he’s a really good dad but he’s just a house mate

I'm going to stop looking at this but some of these responses are nuts.

Marriage is by definition a sexual relationship. If you don't want sex, don't trap someone else who does!

It's nothing to do with bodily autonomy. I've been seriously sexually assaulted. This is about common honesty. If you don't want to be in a sexual relationship anymore, don't gaslight your partner like the OP is.

I want hugs, I want flirtation, I want you to make me feel sexy. But no sex. And you can't have sex again, ever. Unless you're a cheater.

The honest thing to do is be open and give the other person a way out so they can have a normal life. Don't take their parenting labour and salary and treat them like that.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff And when peri/menopause hits and libido changes- what then? Divorce?

Most people don't trap their partners, they just lose desire after time has passed or because of life events or changes in the body.

It has everything to do with bodily autonomy.

Unfortunately that's just not how relationships tend to end, this notion that the parent should set the other one free doesn't really happen in any other relationship so why should it happen here? If my partner didn't want to have sex with me I wouldn't be waiting around for them to give me a way out.

Men like this annoy me so much. He should have walked away years ago, instead of sulking in the corner!

I had ovarian cancer and had major surgery. My desire for sex just went. DH understood this and we continued a very loving marriage without sex.

Posts like this annoy me so much. So simplistic. There’s a few of us in this situation here, that have taken the time to explain how complex a situation and decision it can be.

I’m imagining he has taken part in their family life, his professional life and his own personal life, without sulking in the corner. But I suppose it’s easy to put people into simple boxes where you decide you don’t like them based on those simplistic and narrow viewpoints.

I do understand how you feel, but it’s completely selfish. You seriously can’t complain now that he never touches you 😆 You can’t have it all ways.
And just don’t be surprised when your marriage ends because he’s getting it elsewhere.
Wake up.

Why are you trying to tear everyone's relationships down. My partner is my soul mate! Of course he's not just a friend! Wind your neck in, you are not well if you think love doesn't exist without sex! I mean you had grandparents right? And parents? Are you honestly stating that their relationships became loveless and meaningless once they got to an age that sex wasn't important? You have a cold dead heart to think like that! It's pretty vile actually! When you think of all the devoted elderly couples in care homes or caring for each other in old age, and you are writing off their relationships and claiming they are just friends without the sex!

What on earth are you saying here? You’re being ridiculous! The OP is early 40s and her husband is unhappy about not having a sex life! The age is hardly “an age when sex is no longer important”.

Why are you bringing grandchildren into it? Care homes and accusing the PP of having a “cold heart”.

As you asking this poster if “they are not well”, I’d be looking at your own situation, Clearly you’ve issues around sex, but your reaction is totally OTT.

Fully agreed. DP was married for over 20 years and they had sex à couple of times a year, and none at all for the last five. He stayed because he wanted to marriage to work but ultimately, it didnt. They drifted further and further apart.

I do prioritize our physical relationship, it is very important to me, I have always had an high sex drive, and come from à long line of sex positive relationships (PP mentioned parents and grandparents…)

DP often tells me what a difference this has made to him. I feel sad for him that he has spent most of his life feeling undesired, but glad that he is realizing now that he is desirable (and he is!)

of course no one should be forced into having sex, of course, but being intimate with each other it’s important. It is what sets you apart from all the other people, you two are intimate with each other.

you should communicate with him @MaryPoppins89. It sounds like he has already put up a wall around himself, and this is not healthy.

Sometimes you just don’t want sex with the person you’re with…

I'll use the term 'checking out of the relationship' if you find that more to your liking. She's decided no more sex, go to bed early so the situation doesn't arise, but still wants him to make her feel good on her own terms. What is she doing to improve the relationship generally? If one party can't discuss, honestly, their sexual relationship with the other person who is in that relationship then it's dead in the water. Just like any other part of the relationship. Finances, if/when to have children, where to live. It's all important stuff to be discussed, not one person making a huge decision and expecting the other to agree. She's decided no more sex. So he can decide no more marriage. A bit of honesty would be better. And I mean from both sides.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

"Noone has suggested that marriage is all about sex, only that it is partly about sex."
"I would not tolerate a sexless marriage". That's from a PP on this thread. For that poster, sex is clearly the only thing that matters.

Nope.

"I would not tolerate a marriage with a lazy husband who never does any housework".

Does this mean housework is the ONLY thing that matters?

Something can be a dealbreaker without being the only thing that matters. Indeed that must be true because there can be several simultaneous dealbreakers, and they can't all be the only thing that matters.

It's not a decision though, this is what happens when someone doesn't want to have sex, they refuse it, they dread it, they might go along with it sometimes but they hate it and can normally do it less and less. Many will develop a sexual aversion, which is a trauma, that's not a decision. No one decides to hate sex or to have a sexual aversion.

Completely agree that he can decide no more marriage though

PPs are being very harsh OP. This isn't your fault, you can't help how you feel. Get some therapeutic support.

There's no way the OP has read this thread since the time she started it

Then why are you with them? That comes across as selfish. If you truly care about them, you should let them be free — don’t hold them back. Please let them go so they can be happy and live the life they deserve.

Posts like this annoy me even more than the husband. Rather than just take the facts from the OP...that the husband has withdrawn completely, it 'assumes' (based on absolutely no evidence) that the husband has taken part thrived in family life, personal life and professionally..he may have done, but we have no evidence one way or the other. We do however know that he's unhappy with the current situation, has withdrawn, and is acting immature rather than dealing with issue.

What does he have to do to deal with the situation?

Where are you seeing immaturity? OP has posted minimally about him. Only that he is no longer affectionate because he is trying to shut down his sexual side. He is trying to deal with it rather than leaving or having an affair. Which leads me to think he probably is one of the good ones who pulls his weight and is desperately trying to stay even though he is miserable.

In my opinion, it is grossly unfair, dare I say immature, to expect him to keep offering up attention and validate her desire to be hugged and kissed, but to never cross some invisible line into sexual territory. That is not fair on anyone, of either sex. It is actually quite cruel to expect that of someone you know still wants sex with you.

She has said nothing of the sort. It’s not hard to check, for god’s sake, she’s only posted twice. She has only referred to him withdrawing physical affection, and she has said that he did explain why. Here’s what she said:

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.

Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.