I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

It’s the job of the withdrawing person to examine themselves (not blame their partner for not being a therapist). Probably wouldn’t even work if they’re that detached.

Complaining about feeling rejected is ridiculous if they shut down all physical touch. The partner is supposed to keep trying??

If the withdrawn person decides they do want physical touch, then they can initate - but their partner doesn’t exist to validate them as sexually attractive, as someone else rightly stated.

Ive usually been the withdrawn party but it hasn’t lasted more than 1mo+, precisely because you get to a point where you miss touch and intiate something.

And another thing. This has really hit a nerve if you hadn’t already noticed. Marriage is not all about sex. It’s a partnership, it’s compromise, it’s love, it’s laughter and support through tough times. If one partner has a high sex drive, getting married didn’t mean the other partner should just be available for sex on tap like some kind of prostitute. if ops husband was behaving like a needy sex pest every time she went to bed no wonder she was miserable. If every time she initiated a cuddle or hand hold her husband made it sexual that’s not ok. Sometimes a human just needs a cuddle - to feel loved, supported…
Sex is not your automatic right just because you want it and you don’t get to have it whenever just because you have the urge. Control yourself and work on making sex an enjoyable loving experience for you BOTH. I think that’s all I have to say on the matter and I feel much better getting it all out, thank you

Exactly how I felt @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff. It’s soul destroying and no way to live. But I won’t say that leaving hasn’t had a huge effect on my kids.

If one party consistently refuses and refuses to discuss it, then what is the option?

If every time she initiated a cuddle or hand hold her husband made it sexual that’s not ok. Sometimes a human just needs a cuddle - to feel loved, supported…
OP didn’t say he was trying to initiate every time he touched her. She said she was bracing/tense in case that’s what his hugs and cuddles were leading to.

What if he just needed a cuddle, but OP tensed up and shut him down every time because she assumed it was sexual, even when it wasn’t? Is he still the bad guy and “a needy sex pest”, or should OP have accepted some cuddles to make sure he still felt loved and supported?

Control yourself and work on making sex an enjoyable loving experience for you BOTH.
OPs husband couldn’t make sex an enjoyable loving experience for them both. OP doesn’t want sex at all. She was quite clear - there are two options: have the sex she doesn’t want and resent her husband afterwards, or turn him down. There isn’t a third “sometimes I do want sex” option for him to work with in this situation.

And another thing. This has really hit a nerve if you hadn’t already noticed. Marriage is not all about sex. It’s a partnership, it’s compromise, it’s love, it’s laughter and support through tough times. If one partner has a high sex drive, getting married didn’t mean the other partner should just be available for sex on tap like some kind of prostitute.

That's a ridiculous strawman. Noone has suggested that marriage is all about sex, only that it is partly about sex.

Noone has suggested the OP should be "available for sex on tap like some kind of prostitute", only that there is a range of possibilities between that and absolute celibacy.

Me too

i was about to come on here to lay out my options for feedback and was shocked how many people jump for divorce on your post as the first port of call.

I would look up the Tavistock centre and book a consultation for marriage therapy (they can see you remotely)

and to really sober yourself go on Rightmove to look at what you can get for a solo mortgage or on the rental market for yourself and kids and therapy will seem like a better option, for now yes it’s expensive but cracking a life in half is a lot costlier financially but mostly go all emotionally

this is where I am this morning.

Reprogram is not a negative word. It's all about the context of it. Your perspective of what I said was viewed negatively when in actuality, we've all programmed and reprogrammed ourselves unconsciously throughout our lives. When we face pain, trauma, disappointment, etc., our natural inclination is to avoid the things that may trigger these events. That's programming.

To reprogram yourself doesn't imply forcing yourself to do something you don't want. The root of my suggestion is to find out her "why" and then work from there. Sex is one of the most beautiful ways to physically exchange what you feel for your partner. So it's not about force. It's about finding where the beauty of sex between them was lost.

Sex is a healthy part of any marriage, I love loads of people I don’t have sex with . But I only want sex with my husband not my friends. Or do you class the relationship with your husband/ wife and friends as the same .

How come you haven’t gone to see a doctor about your lack of libido ?
Wouldn’t you like to have that intimacy with your husband back again OP .

Maybe he’s just rubbish at it and doesn’t float her boat?!.
Does he OP?

perhaps he has sex with her like he’s stuffing a cushion with a jackhammer for 35 seconds and she’s over it.

in which case he’s more than welcome to go and get it elsewhere if someone else wants to take a turn at trying to turn him into a love god

"Noone has suggested that marriage is all about sex, only that it is partly about sex."

"I would not tolerate a sexless marriage". That's from a PP on this thread. For that poster, sex is clearly the only thing that matters.

"Noone has suggested the OP should be "available for sex on tap like some kind of prostitute", only that there is a range of possibilities between that and absolute celibacy.""

There has also been a lot of outraged-at-OP commentary from PPs here who are angry and upset that their own partners don't have sex with them. Lots of bitter sneering threats that OP had better watch out because H will be unfaithful or piss off and it'll be ALLLL her fault when he does. There was also mention of OP "withholding" sex, "taking away her H's agency", that she's "denying someone something that means a lot to them", that she's "cruel and unreasonable", that she's "selfish".

This is deeply coercive language. It betrays how these posters see sex - that the person who wants sex should be prioritised, that they have a RIGHT to sex, and that if their partner doesn't want it, they should be punished.

This kind of commentary is stomach-turning. The person who wants sex does NOT have priority. NO ONE is owed sex. It doesn't matter whether you're married, have fucked thousands of times, or that you find deep emotional validation and meaning in sex. You do NOT have the right to someone's body.

So "Noone has suggested the OP should be "available for sex on tap like some kind of prostitute"" is not correct, because many PPs here have said implicitly that OP should make herself available for sex. There was even one PP who said it explicitly: that poster stated that sex is part of the marital "contract". That post was deleted but its sentiment has been so pushed forward throughout this thread by others that the deletion was meaningless.

Oh. But she didn’t say anything like that about him? Are you thinking about another thread, maybe?

I said I wouldn’t tolerate a sexless marriage. It’s not the only thing that matters, but it’s not an optional extra, either.

I didn't see anyone say she wasn't..it's not the feelings so much as what she's prepared to do about it, if anything.

I have to agree. One thing these threads show me is that there's loads of people that think their people should still have sex even if they don't want to, that they should just suck it up. The thought of it really sickens me, maybe it's because I've been raped in the past, I really enjoy sex, but the thought of anyone doing something sexually with their body when they hated it makes me feel sick.

And the thing is the advice to suck it up doesn't even really help maybe decades ago people kept their marriages together by doing that but I think expectations were probably lower, these days there would be an expectation to show enthusiasm (even though they don't want it) and also in general people are less able to tolerate doing things they don't like to do. In the past she clearly has had sex she didn't want, she's already tried that.

It's a sad situation, but it doesn't mean the one who doesn't want sex is in the wrong or that they caused the issues, and it also doesn't mean they had the power to fix the situation.

I personally wouldn't tolerate a sexless marriage, but I also wouldn't tolerate a marriage where my partner had to try to want sex for me, I said earlier if it was a quick fix and he just needed testosterone and his genuine love of sex came back fair enough, but if it was a deeper issue than that then no I wouldn't want to be together. I would only want a relationship where the sexual desire was mutual.

Ok well I did, hence my comment.

No one has to have sex. However for many people having a sexless marriage is a deal breaker. So withdrawing sex, particularly at a young age, will often end the marriage. Unless, of course, an agreement is reached to have an open marriage. And it's not only about getting sexual relief, it's about feeling close to a person, having intimacy with them and not merely being flatmates.
You may feel differently, but many people would not be happy with that sort of relationship. And that's OK.
I will add the caveat that ill health, of course, may bring an end to a sexual relationship,which is clearly a different set of circumstances.

Hi,
I get why you’d think this was a straw man argument. I should’ve really explained myself more clearly. I was responding to posters whose reaction was along the lines of - if he leaves you for someone else it’s all your fault. I’m suggesting that may be there’s a context to how the op is feeling and the responsibility to work on it lies with both of them not just her. I probably didn’t make that clear because I was so shocked at the rhetoric that this was all down to her, that she should ‘reprogram’ herself and do better. So, not a straw man argument given that I’m not misrepresenting what was expressed originally but responding to the opinions thereafter.

Absolute hogwash..humans are made to mate for life, it takes 18 years to grow a human to relative independence , we are designed to carry on having sex for pleasure to keep us together with our mate.

There's no blame to be attached when someone gives off sex at a young age but if their partner is not happy with a sexless life, they need to either find a way back to some kind of sexual relationship or set them free.

I don't think we're necessarily made to mate for life.

But either way, biologically womens bodies are designed in such a way that many have no interest in sex during peri or menopause, and yet women are also still blamed then if they have no interest in sex.

A lot of women have babies a lot older these days and some will go through peri when their kids are still very young.

If humans were made to mate for life there would be no affairs, no men leaving their wives with small children, no cheating etc..!

Or do you imagine all people who do that are fighting against their natural instincts?! It's the other way around, sadly

"However for many people having a sexless marriage is a deal breaker. So withdrawing sex, particularly at a young age, will often end the marriage."

"Withdrawing sex"

This again reveals a mentality that prioritises the wants of the person who wants sex over the bodily autonomy of the person who doesn't.

OP isn't "withdrawing" something that her H has a right to. He has no right to her body.

People should have sex willingly and with enthusiasm. Being angry and punishing with people because they don't want to have sex with you is absolutely coercive.

Perimenopause/menopause can definitely dampen down libido - I'm 45 and definitely feeling a whole range of symptoms (plus we have a 5 yo little one so both knackered!!) Could this be playing a part, OP?
Luckily I have an incredibly understanding and supportive husband who understands these changes are not my fault and is respectful of this ❤️

This keeps coming up, but who is angrily punishing somebody? The OP’s DH? I’m sure he doesn’t know what to do regarding hugs. If he gives them he’s pestering for sex and if he doesn’t, he’s withholding affection. He’s probably so sad and confused inside that any type of physical affection feels complex.

Most people, including me, in this situation, just feel incredibly sad and confused that a normal healthy part of life is not possible for them. My only option would be the nuclear one, to explode our family life for something that intrinsically I feel I will never have anyway. Somebody rejecting you in so fundamental a way makes you feel that you don’t deserve it anyway.

Hopefully that helps, knowing that most of us wouldn’t dream of pestering or forcing ourselves on anybody. We just feel sad and a bit worthless. I’m a woman, by the way.