I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

Have you even tried therapy or just actually addressing the issue properly yourselves? This is really sad for both of you. If you're not willing to try and improve things you need to separate. I know many think he will leave or go elsewhere, but there is a chance he will stay and I think that's even worse. You will both be living and unfulfilled life where neither of you feel wanted or loved. I know not everyone needs to feel wanted but you and your DH do both want intimacy, just in different ways.

We were in a similar position but I made the effort to have once a week so I could relax the rest of the time (whilst cuddling etc), and we both still have that intimacy when we knew it was just us in the house and we weren’t exhausted at the end of the day. We now go in peaks and troughs (for which the latter doesn’t seem so much of an issue), but it’s true that regular sex makes you want it more, and although we still have that weekly session, there is a lot more spontaneity when I initiate at different times. Takes the pressure off a bit. Oestrogen also helped - I’m a little older than you and perimenopause dip in hormones as well as weight gain made my libido plummet. I still think I could live without ever having sex again (if I was single), but the lack of intimacy had it continued would have killed our marriage

I was in your husband's position in this situation and it sucked. As a wife I felt very unloved and I checked out of the marriage. We are now divorced and I'm with someone else who truly treasures me and made me feel alive again.
Sorry to say but your husband will feel resentful and may look elsewhere and/or end your marriage. He didn't sign up for a room mate, which is effectively what you both are now.

That won’t work. Her husband wants to feel desired, not like an appointment.

He’ll be offering it elsewhere it doesn’t just stop!

It most certainly can as a way back to intimacy as per my previous post

I think it makes sense that you feel relieved, but don’t kid yourself that this is a fix. Your husband has essentially thrown the towel in as far as having a sexual relationship with you. That would be fine if it was his preference, but it’s not. He can’t really ‘switch off’ his sexual side, he’s trying, maybe hoping, but it’s not a switch and like you can’t switch it on, he can’t switch it off.

I think you need to have a proper communication about what this means for you long term. I fear as it is, it’s a ticking time bomb for infidelity or resentment, both of which are toxic for a relationship.

I could have written this years ago, since the traumatic, painful birth of my first DC, I no longer felt anything when DH and I had sex, I faked enjoyment for several years and would go to bed earlier than DH to avoid letting him down. We satisfied each other in other ways, maybe once a month for a very long time. Then 6 years ago DH had to undergo a heart bypass and along with medication, sex hasn’t been able due to his ED. We’ve tried really hard since to rekindle and are now on the same page as we both missed being close, cuddling and having sex, so now although it’s not very often, we are both enjoying it now, DH usually waits for me to initiate first, it’s a shame it’s taken for us to be in our 60’s to get here.

@MaryPoppins89 what I find strange in this situation is that you haven't apparently tried to reach somd sort of compromise position before this to take the uncertainty out of the situation i.e. agree to an arrangement that was a bit more than you would like and a bit less than he would. Things are probably terminal now.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.

What did you expect? Why would he continue to flirt when he's rejected every time?

It's a rare man who will happily embrace celibacy in his thirties.

What's the background to this, OP? Why have you stopped wanting sex with your husband? Have you tried to remedy this - been to the GP, tried counselling, anything? Has he been coercive - you say that you've reluctantly agreed to sex. Has he tried to make you feel guilty about this? Or is it simply that you don't find him attractive anymore?

You must know that most people do not choose a sexless marriage and it's unreasonable to ask this of your husband. It's also unreasonable of him to expect you to have sex with him when you don't want it. I'd start making plans to break up. Unless you are both willing to make some deep changes, this is going nowhere good.

Sorry to be blunt but what the fuck did you expect to happen?

Surprised you are bothering with MN when you have almost 900 replies on Reddit for a copy and paste post.

Scheduling can work. Mismatched libido can peak and trough at different lifestages. With teens and probably a job, it's quite likely you are carrying a lot of stress OP. Last thing you need at the end of a long day is sex. Anticipation of it just adds to stress. But if you can rest easy most days that will make a big difference. Intimacy can return if you find a way of making it work.

Well, you are not a "bad wife" for not wanting sex with him.
Problem here is, you still seem to want the "other attention".
This stuff doesn't seem to work together.
You also have teenage children.
It's tough whichever way you look at it.
For myself, last person I would want sex with is my husband and I stopped ages ago, but there are totally different circumstances here.
Think about what YOU want, combine it with your practical situation.

Scheduling can work well, gives you a chance to get in the right frame of mind whether that’s nice underwear, make up etc, bit of flirting throughout the day to build up to it, even reading a bit of smut or whatever to get you interested. People say sex has to be spontaneous but it really doesn’t.

if the sex is crap and disappointing it’s unlikely to be that successful though. You don’t say if he makes an effort to make it enjoyable for you? Do you have lube/toys?

also, I know people get all up in arms about never having sex when you don’t want to, but if you never want to then this isn’t a good approach and sometimes we need to try something out and get into it as we go. Many women’s sexual desire is responsive/reactive rather than spontaneous anyway. Libido is a bit use it or lose it, the more you have the more you want.

When I reached menopause it became too painful for me. HRT could have solved it but the GP considered it too risky (re cancer risk) so as we only had sex about 6 times a year, I gave him the opportunity to stay or leave. About 10 years later we are still together.

Did you try a topical cream like estriol? It’s not systemic HRT so safe for most women and helps a lot with atrophy/thinning etc

I guess you need to decide whether you want to continue in this marriage or not? Nobody should ever be forced into having sex to keep the other happy. However your husband isn’t happy, which is a perfectly normal human response to rejection and it doesn’t sound like you are happy with the lack of affection. So you can either bury your head in the sand and wait for the inevitable affairs and/or divorce or do something about it now which suits both of you even if that mean going your separate ways.

Came here to say this! Wonder if it's the same poster?

@Bonkers1966 @stargirl27 - Same poster 100% with a different username.

They got an absolute bollocking on there, so trying here instead.

Having sex with your wife when you know she doesn’t want it won’t be much of a turn on (for either of them!)

You seem happy but you do know your marriage is over right?

When you do have sex do you never get any pleasure, orgasms and feel nice afterwards? Or is it always one sided with him not trying to turn you on? If so I'm not surprised you don't want to do it much.

Unfortunately a lot of men think that any kind of affectionate touch could be assumed to lead to sex. So that might be why he has stopped cuddles etc.

It doesn't sound like a very happy relationship. Do you want to stay with him?