I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

I think she’s 86. Born in 1940. Part of the “Silent Generation.”

The poor old dear is in her late twenties! (The very late twenties!)

😂😂😂😂 - Right own up, who's Grandma is this????

My late grandmother would be over 100 if she were alive today....she used to tell me "it's important to have a good sex life darling" 😂

I am OP's DH in my marriage.

Stopping having sex when you originally did is a major change to the TnCs of a marriage. Doing it unilaterally with no proper discussion is massively unethical IMO.

I also don't cuddle or hug DH because I resent him hugely. He decided I couldn't have a sex life anymore, all by himself, and if I wanted one I had to break up my kids' family and become a single parent, or a cheater.

I am trying to imagine how others would react here if a man got with a woman saying he wanted kids but then changed his mind and didn't say so, leaving her desperately wondering what was wrong and would it ever change, while her youth dwindled.

That's how I feel. I am 46 now. I look at other women my age whose husbands still desire them and think, why me. I am fit and take care of myself. Other times, I think what's wrong with me that my own husband won't touch me.

If you KNOW you are denying someone something that means a lot to them with no discussion then you are a bad spouse. You are staying in the marriage for your own comfort while seeing them hurt. That isn't love.

He decided I couldn't have a sex life anymore, all by himself, and if I wanted one I had to break up my kids' family and become a single parent, or a cheater.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Although I'm quoting you here, this is a question for everyone in your position on the thread... would your spouse be open to you taking on an outside sexual relationship, so it wouldn't be cheating? Or would you yourself not want that, because it's not sex you want, it's sex with your spouse?

And how do the people who do not want sex any more feel about this potential option?

@ThatCyanCat speaking just for me I did tell DH I would do that. I actually mostly said it in a fit of rage, but it was one of those where, it comes out of your mouth and you realise it's true.

I would in theory but have a very demanding life (so not much energy for affairs) and a lingering sadness about the whole thing. I think about sex all the time but my real fantasy is having sex with someone who cares about me.

I think maybe, the last time that happened I was 38 and that might have been the last time in my life.

She has very much been blamed for this and for making her husband feel shit. I didn't just make it up.

It’s a bit sad, as at your age, sex should be lovely. Best work out what you want going forward.

My husband is 70 we have a very active sex life. Maybe not swinging from the chandelier active but we do ok. I can't imagine it stopping any time soon but if it did we would talk about and agree a plan going forward together.

Apologies, it was just a bit of tongue-in-cheek towards @Cherrytree86. I’m happy to hear you’re still doing it in your 70s — and you absolutely should! That’s amazing.

Their message was:

They are old. The time for sex is early twenties then it’s about having children, you have sex to procreate. And then when you do have kids that’s it then, no need for it anymore.

Surely there is a middle ground. You haven't said you never want sex. You said you hated the daily expectation of it. You also want affection. He also wants that. So its frequency of sex and the reintroduction of touch/flirting that you need to work on, together. You need to move from your 'nothing' position and he needs to move from his (previous) 'all the time' position. Its hard to negotiate that just the two of you. Easier to do so via couples counselling. This work needs to happen as you are now both in entrenched positions. If you cant afford counselling then setting shared goals like once a week we'll massage each other before bed. And once every fortnight we'll have sex, lets pick X night as thats when we're most relaxed...is a start. It DOES need to be that organised in order to get back on track.

Because I had two young children. Because he’s a good dad. Because our lives were and are entwined in many other ways. Because years of enforced celibacy made me believe that I am intrinsically unattractive and why would I upend my children’s lives for more celibacy. Because life isn’t one big decision, it’s a series of tiny ones. Because he said he’d try. Because he didn’t know why. Because I was a frog in boiling (actually freezing) water. Because, because, because…

Is the concern here penetrative sex or have you two explored other types of intimacy and failed to find a way forward there? Would you have to say "no" to all types of intimacy? Are you both willing to explore how you find your wat back to the love that must have been there? There are therapists who have expertise in giving advice on this kind of think. I think the offer of allowing him to look outside your relationship for sex is generous and loving and understanding. If he says "no" to that then finding a way back into the relationship has to be an option.

Sounds like you need to be single in a nutshell .. no-one should ever feel pressured to have sex but the other person can't be expected to have no intimacy or sex .
It's unfair you need to see your GP perimenopause could be at play .. extra hormones could help you.
Why don't you try if you still love him .. maybe if it improves then you could find a balance it's sad if you still love him and miss intimacy as in hugs kisses etc .

He has found himself someone to cheat with

And who can blame him if he has? I'd do the same.

Temp relief Only
He is with you because of children or can not afford divorce
You join a convent

Incompatible sex drives is a very common issue. You're not the only ones. As the low-libido partner, I totally get your sense of relief and because you're not the one wanting it, life probably currently feels easier. However, from his side, he's feeling rejected and is not getting something that feels very important to him. It sounds like he's reached a stage of, "giving up," and is probably now feeling resentful towards you. I strongly recommend going to see a sex therapist or a couples therapist to explore where this has come from and see if you can find a compromise. No one is wrong, it's the incompatibility that's the issue and there does need to be a compromise that works well enough for both of you, otherwise, your relationship will suffer, sadly.

Are you on oral contraception?

I only ask because whenever I was on the pill my desire to have sex completely disappeared.

Otherwise this is not a sustainable marriage, you are basically housemates rather than husband and wife.

I agree - why is it always about sex on every occasion? It’s important but feeling pressured is tiring and annoying just as being rejected hurts. Some communication and compromise could have worked.

Have you considered looking in to why you don’t want to have sex with him? Is it a relationship problem, are you attracted to him, and still in love with him? Is the sex not good for you, if yes consider how you can improve it?

you’ve shut him out completely, and he’s now just a roommate. If you still want to be with him, you need to communicate with him. Otherwise you’ll continue to grow apart.

I wouldn’t want to stay in a sexless marriage, I’m a big believer that sex is important. It’s something just for the two of you that’s yours, it’s a way of connecting and it’s physically the closest two people can be.

@NotGonna I could have written your post almost word for word. I'm still here though. It's shit, isn't it.

Go to your doctor and request a hormone panel. This doesn't mean start having sex with him, it means find out if you are okay.

Yes, it’s a shitty club to be in, I’m sorry you’re in it too!

Oh and to anyone else who is talking about being in the same situation on this thread, you might want to avoid your DM’s if you don’t want to be reading messages from sleazy guys…