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Original poster

Guy I’m dating said I was lazy in bed and it’s knocked my confidence

205 replies

56brumm · 18/01/2026 22:02

Hi, I’m 39 I have battled with confidence issues for many years.
when I met my longest relationship he use to tell me when we were young teens I was rubbish in bed or didn’t know what I was doing.
when I hit 30s we separated.
I dated a guy the sex was amazing and I found my confidence. But he turned out to be a not so nice man.
I have dated two other people.
the guy im dating now we have been having amazing sex. He has told me for months it the best sex he’s had mind blowing and so on.
over last couple of weeks tho he is now said a few times that im lazy. I’m not, I engage in many different positions granted he does do more. There has also been a couple of occasions we he has said he’s done all the work when I asked for it again.
I am unfit so when I’m on top my legs hurt after while but other than that I’m very confident in all ways.
im now simply losing confidence because I don’t understand how it can go from best sex he’s had to I’m lazy and he does all the work. I have said well what can I do and he’s not give me any constructive and just says I’m joking.
is this a red flag been dating for around 4 months

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 18/01/2026 22:04

Yes it is absolutely a red flag. Some men like to knock women's confidence down to inflate their own ego and gain control.

PickledElectricity · 18/01/2026 22:04

"I'm not lazy, I'm a pillow princess darling"

Red flag though, he's trying to upset or undermine you with the change in narrative.

WryNecked · 18/01/2026 22:05

Just ditch him. Why would you want to continue sleeping with someone who keeps trying to tear you down, or who regards sex as an athletic endeavour you’re less good at than him?

TheWildZebra · 18/01/2026 22:06

It depends… is he saying it in a kind jokey way or is he saying it like he’s fed up? Does he know that you have confidence issues?

Notmymarmosets · 18/01/2026 22:08

Or he's honestly not finding it as exciting as he did for whatever reason. Honestly, when most people say something, its either because it's true or because they believe it's true. Not everyone has an alterior motive.

Original poster
56brumm · 18/01/2026 22:10

He says it in a joking way. But I feel like it’s after sex. I’m not lazy tho that’s the hurtful thing I give lots of forplay I go on top granted a lot of the positions seem to be man does more but I felt like it was 50-50 I don’t understand how he’s like telling me it’s the best and now slipping in little digs.

yes I don’t lack confidence in bedroom any more well not in till now lol. I did tell him previous long term put me down about it.

OP posts:
WryNecked · 18/01/2026 22:12

Notmymarmosets · 18/01/2026 22:08

Or he's honestly not finding it as exciting as he did for whatever reason. Honestly, when most people say something, its either because it's true or because they believe it's true. Not everyone has an alterior motive.

At four months dating, you don’t need an ‘ulterior motive’! You may genuinely think it, but just like ‘You look awful in that outfit’, ‘Your laugh really annoys me’ and ‘I hate your parents’, you keep it to yourself.

MildlyAnnoyed · 18/01/2026 22:13

He’s saying it because he’s an arse. Get rid.

ExtraOnions · 18/01/2026 22:13

What does he mean by “lazy” … my wild guess is, not giving him enough blow jobs, whilst he lies there.

Honestly, 4 months in you want to be with someone who is building you up, not dragging you down.

If he wants changes in your sex life, maybe he’s the one who needs to make more of an effort.

Toss this one back in

ChikinLikin · 18/01/2026 22:14

It's just negging.
Bastard.

Pantalone · 18/01/2026 22:15

What a prince. You can do better, op.

Primaris · 18/01/2026 22:15

There’s honesty and then there’s the things you just don’t say. You don’t criticise your partners bedroom performance if you care about them. There are ways to encourage things if that’s needed, but criticism isn’t it.

I’d walk away from this one op.

TheWildZebra · 18/01/2026 22:16

56brumm · 18/01/2026 22:10

He says it in a joking way. But I feel like it’s after sex. I’m not lazy tho that’s the hurtful thing I give lots of forplay I go on top granted a lot of the positions seem to be man does more but I felt like it was 50-50 I don’t understand how he’s like telling me it’s the best and now slipping in little digs.

yes I don’t lack confidence in bedroom any more well not in till now lol. I did tell him previous long term put me down about it.

Then I would explain to him when you’re not in bed together that it really knocks your confidence when he makes these jokes, and lessens the enjoyability of sex together. If he listens to what you say and apologises and doesn’t speak to you like that again, then you’re all good. If he ignores the emotions that you share with him, then he is either an arse or not listening to you (or both!). your red flag depends on how he responds when you bring up your feelings to him.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/01/2026 22:16

Huge red flag.

Huge...

Babe when we have sex i like it when you do x i'd love it if we did it more...
okay fine.

you're lazy in bed = I want you to please more. Serve me. Service me.

No no and more no

murasaki · 18/01/2026 22:18

Primaris · 18/01/2026 22:15

There’s honesty and then there’s the things you just don’t say. You don’t criticise your partners bedroom performance if you care about them. There are ways to encourage things if that’s needed, but criticism isn’t it.

I’d walk away from this one op.

Yes, encouraging and suggesting are one thing, insulting is something entirely different and not to be tolerated.

Rightsraptor · 18/01/2026 22:18

He's not saying it in a joking way at all. He's being really mean, God knows why, and these men who say really nasty things and then say 'I'm joking!' are shits and don't deserve any of us. You could try saying something about his small penis (whatever the truth of that) and say to him 'I'm joking!' See how he likes it.

DontPokeMe · 18/01/2026 22:22

This is a red flag.

Here's what going to happen. He's going to ever so slowly crush your confidence in a 'jokey' way until he has you under his control.

You're already second guessing and justifying yourself. Please do not let this continue.

WhatMe123 · 18/01/2026 22:23

Oh he sounds hard work. It's not an exam your passing did you eve ask for his opinion.
Get rid of this one I'd say he'll wear you down I reckon

TheWildZebra · 18/01/2026 22:24

Rightsraptor · 18/01/2026 22:18

He's not saying it in a joking way at all. He's being really mean, God knows why, and these men who say really nasty things and then say 'I'm joking!' are shits and don't deserve any of us. You could try saying something about his small penis (whatever the truth of that) and say to him 'I'm joking!' See how he likes it.

Can I play devils advocate and say that actually being able to joke like this can actually be a jokey thing in a healthy relationship? Eg. When I’m not up for sex, I say to my husband get that tiny thing out my face, which he finds hilarious and is completely counterbalanced by us having a healthy sex life otherwise. Similarly, he sometimes jokes that I’m lazy in bed when we’ve just done missionary the whole time , and he finds it hilarious when I pathetically move my hips against our very soft bed. I think these kind of jokes are like any jokes - it only works if the recipient and joke teller are absolutely on the same page, and respect boundaries of what eachother find funny. Obviously OP doesn’t find it funny though, hence my question about how meaningfully she has directly said “this hurts my feelings”.

AltitudeCheck · 18/01/2026 22:25

Is he actually any good in bed and are you having a good time yourself? Sounds like you get validation from being told you are good/ the best but that isn't the same as actually having great time, feeling safe and secure.

We can be so inclined to people please and centre men's experience of sex that we sometimes don't even notice that they aren't really that good at pleasuring us!

Lindy2 · 18/01/2026 22:27

I'd find it difficult to feel comfortable again with someone who said that.

At 4 months your relationship has hardly started and if he's criticising you like that this early on I think it's only going to get worse.

I think you need to let him know that sadly his comment has taken away the enjoyment of sex together and he is obviously not the right partner for you.

Hopefully the door will hit him on the arse on his way out when you show him the exit.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/01/2026 22:30

He wants porn sex. Not real sex. Yuck, no thank you.

SirChenjins · 18/01/2026 22:31

4 months in should be the best time ever - doing it loads and thinking it's the best thing ever. This sounds like the start of coercive control and I'd be very, very wary of this man - my bet is that he's going to start ramping up the pressure to do stuff you don't want to in order to 'prove yourself' somehow. You're not a performing monkey, ffs.

Just watch yourself OP.

Happyjoe · 18/01/2026 22:33

Am sorry, if someone told me am lazy in bed, I'd tell them to leave and not come back - then actually be lazy and go to sleep! A nice sound sleep where you know you've just made a great decision.

He's been mean, this is his issue and not yours. I think you deserve much better.

Christmaspuddingpinky · 18/01/2026 22:35

Lindy2 · 18/01/2026 22:27

I'd find it difficult to feel comfortable again with someone who said that.

At 4 months your relationship has hardly started and if he's criticising you like that this early on I think it's only going to get worse.

I think you need to let him know that sadly his comment has taken away the enjoyment of sex together and he is obviously not the right partner for you.

Hopefully the door will hit him on the arse on his way out when you show him the exit.

Edited

This is exactly what I think.
Please have some self respect and kindly tell him to leave as you are clearly not compatible.

What sort of man jokes about this. If he really liked you and he was genuinely wanting to improve things he would talk to you like an adult . His approach to his apparent problem shows me he is immature , passive aggressive , unable to communicate and not worth spending and investing your time with ! I highly imagine he has invented this to put you down ! What a prince.