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Original poster

Guy I’m dating said I was lazy in bed and it’s knocked my confidence

205 replies

56brumm · 18/01/2026 22:02

Hi, I’m 39 I have battled with confidence issues for many years.
when I met my longest relationship he use to tell me when we were young teens I was rubbish in bed or didn’t know what I was doing.
when I hit 30s we separated.
I dated a guy the sex was amazing and I found my confidence. But he turned out to be a not so nice man.
I have dated two other people.
the guy im dating now we have been having amazing sex. He has told me for months it the best sex he’s had mind blowing and so on.
over last couple of weeks tho he is now said a few times that im lazy. I’m not, I engage in many different positions granted he does do more. There has also been a couple of occasions we he has said he’s done all the work when I asked for it again.
I am unfit so when I’m on top my legs hurt after while but other than that I’m very confident in all ways.
im now simply losing confidence because I don’t understand how it can go from best sex he’s had to I’m lazy and he does all the work. I have said well what can I do and he’s not give me any constructive and just says I’m joking.
is this a red flag been dating for around 4 months

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 19/01/2026 06:35

He is trying to manipulate you @56brumm into proving you are not lazy by agreeing to anal.
Dump and block the vile creep.

landlordhell · 19/01/2026 06:35

He should be so lucky! Throw him back.

Perrylobster · 19/01/2026 06:41

He’s lucky to be sleeping with you! He should be doing more work anyway - he’s the one with the penis ffs.

MyDeftDuck · 19/01/2026 06:42

Four months or four years, if he considers sex to be the most important aspect of your relationship then dump him. Don’t put anymore energy into this relationship, he has no respect for you other than you being his fuck-bunny!

Owly11 · 19/01/2026 06:54

He wants a particular kind of sex you are not up for and because you are saying no to it he has decided to try and get his own way/erode your boundaries by knocking your confidence so that you eventually agree to it in order not to be labelled 'lazy'. Just say to him that you are not lazy and however much he calls you that you are not doing anything you don't want to do. And that if he wants it that much it might be time to call it a day so he can move on and find someone who will give him what he wants.

Howwilliknow122 · 19/01/2026 07:05

TheWildZebra · 18/01/2026 22:06

It depends… is he saying it in a kind jokey way or is he saying it like he’s fed up? Does he know that you have confidence issues?

No it doesn't depend. And its not jokey. If he really feels there's a problem he should talk to op with respect, not call her lazy and then says hes joking. Thats not acceptable behaviour.
Edited to say ive seen more posts where it looks like hes actually trying to bully her into doing things she doesn't want, so this lazy stuff (which we knew anyway) is just a way to get what he wants.
Op: run!

Inawhylcroc · 19/01/2026 07:05

MumWifeOther · 18/01/2026 23:19

He’s not joking, he is getting fed up.

I think you’d need to flip it and see how you would feel if he said his legs got tired when he was on top so you had to be on top most of the time? Would you be happy with that?

The red flag for me is how he’s approached it - he could have been more considerate, but ultimately sex is 50/50. If you’re happy otherwise, I would start doing some squats and getting on top!

He’s fed up of not getting anal.

I think you’d need to flip it and see how you would feel if he said his legs got tired when he was on top so you had to be on top most of the time?

Men and women are not the same.
If a man said that to me I’d think we weren’t compatible, I’ve honestly never had a man complain they have to be on top too much or “do most of the work”. Not everything has to be “50-50”🙄 Such a man would not be for me.

AgentJohnson · 19/01/2026 07:08

Ahh, so he knows about your confidence issues but yet decided to knock you down. If it was a genuine concern, he would have found a more constructive way to talk to you. Throw him back, you can do better, dick.

Sunbeam01 · 19/01/2026 07:11

It's not you OP. It's him.

I'd carry out a Clare's law check and walk away.

Tontostitis · 19/01/2026 07:13

It's a running joke in my marriage how lazy in bed I am. However I am the only one wearing nice underwear giving teasing flashes etc there's more to good sex than porn performances! You could sit him down and ask him what he really wants. I think he may be after some specific thing, kink or act. Personally I'd be really hurt and upset as it's not possible to go from best sex I've ever had to you are lazy in bed so he's clearly got another agenda. Either that or this relationship is done and he's finding excuses. Open communication or LTB are the best options here.

Inawhylcroc · 19/01/2026 07:15

McGregor33 · 19/01/2026 00:05

My ex tried to embarrass me by saying in front of a group of friends I was lazy in bed and just lay there. It was downright lies… well that night guess who did just lay there. He ofcourse queried why and I reminded him what he said.

That’s horrendous, I would never have slept with him again even if what he were saying were true!

I mean since when it was it acceptable to shame your partner regarding what goes on in the bedroom especially in front of other people.

I’d have found that so humiliating and probably would’ve dumped him on the spot.

TreeDudette · 19/01/2026 07:20

I would not want to sleep with a guy who criticised my bedroom action. I have no problem with suggestions for new things or more things we could do or how he prefers things but this is downright rude. Don’t tolerate rude people, throw this one back!

Uhghg · 19/01/2026 07:29

There has also been a couple of occasions we he has said he’s done all the work when I asked for it again.

I’m a bit confused about this but - why would he do all of the work when you’re the one asking for it?

Are you initiating things?
Are you taking the lead?

I’d be a bit miffed if my DP kept wanting sex but then just laid back for me to service him.

But you say it’s more 50/50 and so it’s likely a red flag.

I think as it’s only been 4 months I’d throw this one back.
You can’t be insecure in a relationship this early on. It will never work.

Uhghg · 19/01/2026 07:31

AgentJohnson · 19/01/2026 07:08

Ahh, so he knows about your confidence issues but yet decided to knock you down. If it was a genuine concern, he would have found a more constructive way to talk to you. Throw him back, you can do better, dick.

I agree with this.

No one is perfect in the bedroom to begin with and we all like different things.

If he genuinely wanted you to do more work then surely he would just ask if you can do X, Y and Z more.

Unless he’s very emotionally immature and if so you’d have a lucky escape anyway.

PatchouliPrincess · 19/01/2026 07:41

TheWildZebra · 18/01/2026 22:24

Can I play devils advocate and say that actually being able to joke like this can actually be a jokey thing in a healthy relationship? Eg. When I’m not up for sex, I say to my husband get that tiny thing out my face, which he finds hilarious and is completely counterbalanced by us having a healthy sex life otherwise. Similarly, he sometimes jokes that I’m lazy in bed when we’ve just done missionary the whole time , and he finds it hilarious when I pathetically move my hips against our very soft bed. I think these kind of jokes are like any jokes - it only works if the recipient and joke teller are absolutely on the same page, and respect boundaries of what eachother find funny. Obviously OP doesn’t find it funny though, hence my question about how meaningfully she has directly said “this hurts my feelings”.

Show quote history

Why are you working so hard to excuse the negging and red flags this man is waving in OP's face?
That's you and your DH and is a totally different situation to OP who has been seeing 4 months.

OneShyQuail · 19/01/2026 07:45

At 4 months in it should sunshine and roses all round, that amazing glow you get from a new relationship, not this hard.

Also, no matter how long youve been with someone, there should always be kindness, honesty, yes but with kindness. The way he addressed this was not kind and is a red flag at any stage.
Nothing wrong with requests in bed, but in this manner, absolutely no

Biscofflatte · 19/01/2026 07:58

Run as fast as you can. Horrible man. You’re fabulous as you are pay no attention to him. Sounds awful.

Namechangerage · 19/01/2026 08:05

56brumm · 18/01/2026 22:10

He says it in a joking way. But I feel like it’s after sex. I’m not lazy tho that’s the hurtful thing I give lots of forplay I go on top granted a lot of the positions seem to be man does more but I felt like it was 50-50 I don’t understand how he’s like telling me it’s the best and now slipping in little digs.

yes I don’t lack confidence in bedroom any more well not in till now lol. I did tell him previous long term put me down about it.

Red flag then! He knows it’s an insecurity so he is doing it on purpose…. To bring you down.

teawamutu · 19/01/2026 08:06

56brumm · 18/01/2026 22:58

Ok so reading comments he pesters for anal and I’ve said no. He doesn’t let it drop some times.

although I allow my confidence to take a knock I’m in a good career earn well. More than him and I’m bloody good in bed. Nothing has changed since we started I do think he’s trying to knock me down a peg or too. Seeing all your comments Made me realise.

Having read only your OP I thought 'bet he's trying to wear her down until she agrees to anal'.

What an absolute dick. Pestering you, and then making you feel shit about yourself until your confidence is low enough to take part in something that's potentially painful, risky and you don't want to do.

No decent man would want this or be able to get his jollies under those circumstances.

Bin the twunt off. You're worth more.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 19/01/2026 08:21

56brumm · 18/01/2026 22:58

Ok so reading comments he pesters for anal and I’ve said no. He doesn’t let it drop some times.

although I allow my confidence to take a knock I’m in a good career earn well. More than him and I’m bloody good in bed. Nothing has changed since we started I do think he’s trying to knock me down a peg or too. Seeing all your comments Made me realise.

The 'lazy' comments are his latest tactic to get anal sex from you.

He's not 'joking': he's planting seeds to chip away at your confidence. He's using something he knows about your sexual history against you.

Dump this manipulative creep immediately.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/01/2026 08:22

ExtraOnions · 18/01/2026 22:13

What does he mean by “lazy” … my wild guess is, not giving him enough blow jobs, whilst he lies there.

Honestly, 4 months in you want to be with someone who is building you up, not dragging you down.

If he wants changes in your sex life, maybe he’s the one who needs to make more of an effort.

Toss this one back in

My thoughts went straight to oral as well…

During penetrative intercourse the man (or the person doing the penetrating) is the more outwardly physically active partner unless the woman (or the one being penetrated) is on top. I’m not quite sure how one would change that dynamic.

Unless the OP were to use a strap-on / do more of the penetrating? But I would be surprised if that’s the kind of „effort“ her boyfriend is after…

I wouldn’t let him make jokes about this and simply ask him what he means / is alluding to. Direct communication. But I wouldn’t invest too much energy if he isn’t able to come up with an actual response, that’s a massive red flag.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/01/2026 08:25

56brumm · 18/01/2026 22:58

Ok so reading comments he pesters for anal and I’ve said no. He doesn’t let it drop some times.

although I allow my confidence to take a knock I’m in a good career earn well. More than him and I’m bloody good in bed. Nothing has changed since we started I do think he’s trying to knock me down a peg or too. Seeing all your comments Made me realise.

with this added context I’m now firmly in the camp of „leave the bastard“. That’s extremely manipulative!

Greenwitchart · 19/01/2026 08:29

Dump him OP.

Self confidence issues can make.you a target for shitty men.as there seems to be a pattern.

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/01/2026 08:33

You confided in him that your XP used to put you down in matters of sex. So he knows it’s a sore point. So that’s why he’s doing it.

He’s not a nice person. Get rid.

Inawhylcroc · 19/01/2026 08:43

I did tell him previous long term put me down about it

Yes and next time don’t share things like that with a new partner. This isn’t your fault at all and I understand you were just confiding in someone you are getting close to. But the problem is (some) men use the details we give them about how badly a partner treated us, as a guide for how to behave.

It’s wild you would think they’d strive not to be like that person, but in reality they think well she allowed that man to do X, Y and Z - so I’ll do the same and see how far I can get . And if it’s something you’re still insecure about they know you are more likely to blame yourself.

I tend to keep things vague and just say stuff like “yeah it didn’t work out” or “the communication wasn’t great towards the end” when talking about previous relationships.

I’d only share more if I felt it was necessary and it would be much later down the road. Certainly not in the first 6 months.