Guy I’m dating said I was lazy in bed and it’s knocked my confidence

[56brumm]

Hi, I’m 39 I have battled with confidence issues for many years.
when I met my longest relationship he use to tell me when we were young teens I was rubbish in bed or didn’t know what I was doing.
when I hit 30s we separated.
I dated a guy the sex was amazing and I found my confidence. But he turned out to be a not so nice man.
I have dated two other people.
the guy im dating now we have been having amazing sex. He has told me for months it the best sex he’s had mind blowing and so on.
over last couple of weeks tho he is now said a few times that im lazy. I’m not, I engage in many different positions granted he does do more. There has also been a couple of occasions we he has said he’s done all the work when I asked for it again.
I am unfit so when I’m on top my legs hurt after while but other than that I’m very confident in all ways.
im now simply losing confidence because I don’t understand how it can go from best sex he’s had to I’m lazy and he does all the work. I have said well what can I do and he’s not give me any constructive and just says I’m joking.
is this a red flag been dating for around 4 months

Honestly, men will say anything if they want to hurt you - it sounds like he is trying to make you feel bad to hold something over you. I wouldn't stay, he has made it clear he doesn't value you. From my own experience, I went out with a guy for just under a year and made a point of giving him a BJ every single day. When we broke up he still said that he thought I was never grateful enough...apparently because he sometimes cooked.
You couldn't make it up.

My ex tried to embarrass me by saying in front of a group of friends I was lazy in bed and just lay there. It was downright lies… well that night guess who did just lay there. He ofcourse queried why and I reminded him what he said.

I just wanted to join the chorus of “get rid”!

Nothing new to say, but another woman saying it - he’s not nice. He’s selfish and manipulative and probably just wants to neg you because he knows you’re better than him.

Tell him you will see a sex surrogate to help you improve 😉 It usually ends in sex with the surrogate if the client wants/needs but he wont mind im sure.

Jeez if a bloke told me I was lazy in bed (and yes actually I am sometimes… I like my sleep) then tough shit. As far as I’m concerned he’s lucky to even be with me. If he’s got a complaint he can write to manager and then fuck right off.

Glad he’s an ex! What a tosser. Lucky you didn’t dump his sorry arse in front of his mates!

OP please don’t fall for this trick. He’s nasty. And get some therapy to get over these negging twats. You deserve so much better. You can learn to spot them before it ever gets this far.

Honestly, sex should be about two people having a good time doing things they both like rather than approaching it with the sort of muscle control and activity level of an Eastern European gymnast competing in the Olympics. And badgering you to do something you don't want to do is not part of that. I suppose some people might like it but I don't think there is anything wrong in saying you're absolutely not interested in something.

He’s badgering you for anal after dating for 4 months???

this is not normal behaviour from a good guy

He shouldn’t be pestering you.

Dump this man.

He's trying to make you feel bad about yourself in order to coerce you into sex acts you don't want (bdsm, choking, threesomes/ sex with strangers, sex outdoors/ voyeurism, anal, filming sex, etc).

His problem is that he has had his tastes formed by porn.

Oh yes indeed!

Tell him to bend over while you ram something blunt up his arse whilst telling him to get to Fuck and back to see how far it is.

This!!

Switch it up.
Put his exact words into your mouth - copy what he’s saying right back to him.
He’ll probably get offended until you remind him that you’re only parroting back exactly what he’s saying to you.

Then dump him unceremoniously.

It’s called negging. Chipping away at your confidence. Making you want to try harder. It’s nasty and very effective.

Just stop being with him. He does not deserve you at all.

That’s what it’s all about. He’s trying to push you into agreeing to anal. Big red flag. He asked, you said no. That should be the end of the conversation, not trying to chip away at your confidence so you agree. Dump his ass.

Good lord, he wants a porn movie. You don’t have to be an acrobat and perform for someone to have good sex, unless that person is a complete asshole who isn’t connecting with you.

he doesn’t deserve to have sex with you. Dump him.

Right. The first time a man 'pesters' for something sexual that you don't want to do should also be the last time, because he shouldn't get the chance to do it again. Why are you still with someone who thinks it's ok to harass and coerce you into a sexual act you don't want to do?

It's absolutely negging to take you down a peg or two. He doesn't want you to feel comfortable and safe in the relationship, he wants you constantly thinking about how you can best please him and spoiler alert, it never fucking ends. It's never enough. He needs you on the back foot thinking you are so lucky he puts up with you.
He says it in a jokey way so he can get away with it. Get out or at least push right back against that BS.

Ditch

It's mind games. Red flag is obvious - and an understatement. Ghost and block. Then don't look back.

I really think he's trying to undermine you. I had a relationship in my very early 20s with a man 10 years older who destroyed my self-esteem for life with this kind of thing (not sexual because he wasn't confident there but every other aspect of me).

He knows what he's doing don't make any excuses for him. If he wanted sex to be better this wouldn't be the way to achieve it. Please don't give him any chances because he'll find a way to chip at you somehow. Making someone deeply insecure isn't a 'joke' done to a partner. It isn't banter and he knows it and you haven't responded like you are going along with banter

I wish we were allowed to brand these fuckers to save any other women they might prey on.

As long as there's an element of give and take, and you're both contributing to and being satisfied by the foreplay, then you shouldn't have to feel like you need to do any work during PIV - imo, that's ultimately the man's job in a hetero relationship (unless the woman wants to do the work).

His inability to communicate in a constructive way is a massive red flag, and enough to get rid of him on its own. Who wants to bother with that nonsense? Then reading your update about him pestering you for anal...ugh. He's not a keeper, OP.

Say to him outside the bedroom, I don’t appreciate you calling me lazy in bed whether it’s a joke or not. If you have any issues with our sex life im happy to discuss it there’s no need for insults.

if hes not capable of doing that or if he minimises what you are saying i would reconsider if you want to be in a relationship with someone so emotionally immature