Guy I’m dating said I was lazy in bed and it’s knocked my confidence

[56brumm]

Hi, I’m 39 I have battled with confidence issues for many years.
when I met my longest relationship he use to tell me when we were young teens I was rubbish in bed or didn’t know what I was doing.
when I hit 30s we separated.
I dated a guy the sex was amazing and I found my confidence. But he turned out to be a not so nice man.
I have dated two other people.
the guy im dating now we have been having amazing sex. He has told me for months it the best sex he’s had mind blowing and so on.
over last couple of weeks tho he is now said a few times that im lazy. I’m not, I engage in many different positions granted he does do more. There has also been a couple of occasions we he has said he’s done all the work when I asked for it again.
I am unfit so when I’m on top my legs hurt after while but other than that I’m very confident in all ways.
im now simply losing confidence because I don’t understand how it can go from best sex he’s had to I’m lazy and he does all the work. I have said well what can I do and he’s not give me any constructive and just says I’m joking.
is this a red flag been dating for around 4 months

This isn't about him doing more sexual work, this is about him pushing your sexual boundaries starting with anal and not taking no for an answer. The "lazy" comment was negging you because you said no.

Dump him. This won't stop.

That's not funny or a joke. He's undermining you for.some reason. The result is that he will get the opposite of what he wants as eventually you'll shrink into your shell.
You're meant to encourage your partner. What a total arsehole. Get shot of him. Definitely not a keeper.

You should say, oh shit I'm so sorry it's because you're so good at it I've been a bit selfish and just laid back and let you please me, sorry babe! Although you should worry when I do get on top and give it my all because then you know you're doing a shit job and I'm trying not to get bored...And then the next time you guys have sex take charge and ride him like it's a mother clucking rodeo! And watch him quietly question everything he ever thought 😂😂😂 ... Stay toxic sis ✌🏻🤣. You can then also dump him and say the reason is that he just doesn't please you like previous partners in bed, it was good at first but after a few weeks it's just 🥱🥱🥱 and just walk away because he is a walking red flag 🚩🚩 xx

Sounds like coercion for anal. Horrid man. Off he goes!

Sorry OP but at least you know now.

Tell him if he wants to shove his dick up someone's arsehole, then he can go and find the sort of person who likes that sort of thing.

Are you sure he's not seeing someone else?

What's that got to do with anything?

F him off 👋🏻

Every relationship when it's new is the best thing ever but as time goes on and other demands are made on your time, sex becomes less exciting and more routine. This is life

Any man who wants to hurt or harm women in any way is dangerous. That includes anal sex, which can and often does cause internal injuries. In recent years, pornography has encouraged men to think violence is an acceptable part of a sexual encounter. Men have escalated from hair pulling to anal to choking to killing, with the defence that the killing was "rough sex that went wrong".

Ask yourself if you'd want someone who likes hurting you as a friend or a colleague. Highly unlikely! So why the hell should you go to bed with someone whose idea of fun is causing you pain and possible injury?

He is being very rude. Personally I would give him the push. He doesn't deserve you! You deserve better. Can I suggest that if and when dating next time get to know the person first before going to bed with them. Too many men put their needs first and hurry things along. You're worth much more than that 💐

This

Hes gaslighted you. He built up your confidence so he could have adventurous sex and create a connection. Now you like him hes chipping away at your confidence to see how youll please him and control you.

Honestly, if hes joking... laugh as you walk away

Its absolutely fine to not like anal. No is a full sentence

Horrible life man! @LeftieRightsHoarder you are spot on! The thought of AS is 🤢

He sounds awful! I’m sorry but in a heterosexual relationship the man has to do most of the work, it comes with the territory of being the one with a penis. As such it’s often the man that makes or breaks whether sex is good or not.

I think this sums it up

No, get rid. If he is pestering now and won’t take no for an answer, but thinks belittling your confidence will ‘win you round’ - not right for you

Get rid of him! He's a bully, and it won't get any b

I'm also single and dating. I don't think that asking other people to class things as 'red flags' or not is useful. It's like asking people what the rules are.... but really there are no rules, you have to make them for yourself by setting boundaries you're comfortable with, and understanding his better too.
I'd suggest that you have a kind of 'light but serious' conversation with him about sex, explaining that you'd like to know that you're both happy with how things are going. Tell him that you're open to suggestions, and that you hope he is too... then perhaps you can both share the things you want. If you don't feel they line up, sack it off. But give him chance to tell you first, then you can make your own judgement and not rely on anyone else's?
I feel like a lot of people here have been in established relationships for a long time and (no offense) are very keen to say 'red flag, get rid'. But sometimes it's about understanding behaviour better, not just dumping at the first sign of complications. Good luck x

Get rid of him. He's a bully, and it will only get worse

and it sounds like he’s weaponising what you disclosed about your previous long-term partner’s put-down remarks about you in order to assert a power relationship. As others have said: note the red flags.
You’re OK. You’re doing fine. You can do better than someone who builds you up only to put you down at a later date - that’s classic Coercive Control technique.

Fade away from this one and find a nicer person.

like other posters, sometimes I long for the laughing emoji!

Ahhh so that's why he is calling you lazy, because you don't want to do that. You're not lazy, you just won't be coerced into an act you don't want to do. Good on you.
Get rid!

Just tell him that his dick wasn’t doing it for you and unfortunately it came out as appearing lazy. I wouldn’t waste another minute on this guy. Tell him he wasn’t packing and you faked it to make him feel better. Send him off with his confidence in tatters.