Guy I’m dating said I was lazy in bed and it’s knocked my confidence

[56brumm]

Hi, I’m 39 I have battled with confidence issues for many years.
when I met my longest relationship he use to tell me when we were young teens I was rubbish in bed or didn’t know what I was doing.
when I hit 30s we separated.
I dated a guy the sex was amazing and I found my confidence. But he turned out to be a not so nice man.
I have dated two other people.
the guy im dating now we have been having amazing sex. He has told me for months it the best sex he’s had mind blowing and so on.
over last couple of weeks tho he is now said a few times that im lazy. I’m not, I engage in many different positions granted he does do more. There has also been a couple of occasions we he has said he’s done all the work when I asked for it again.
I am unfit so when I’m on top my legs hurt after while but other than that I’m very confident in all ways.
im now simply losing confidence because I don’t understand how it can go from best sex he’s had to I’m lazy and he does all the work. I have said well what can I do and he’s not give me any constructive and just says I’m joking.
is this a red flag been dating for around 4 months

He’s using your candid confession about an insecurity you have from bad treatment by a previous partner to try to get his way. Manipulative and controlling. Massive red flag. I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t try to manipulate you in other ways too. LTB

He’s negging you. Get rid.

A decent guy wouldn’t make accusations like that, he’d have a mature conversation that included an opportunity for you to say what you enjoyed/didn’t enjoy in bed, it wouldn’t just be all about him!

Nah- throw this one back OP. If it’s not pretty perfect at 4mths, he’s not a keeper.

He said you were lazy and you believe he meant it? That would be the last time he got naked near me.

Negging. They do it so that you will tie yourself in knots trying to please them. It’s manipulative crap. And a very good reason to stop the relationship. It’s him not you that’s the issue here.

In the future don't let new guys know your soft spots and how other men have hurt you or tell them your insecurities because most people will use this info against you. You may think it should make them more aware and considerate about those sore points but no they will make a mental note that this is how to hurt you and the fact someone else like an ex said it it plants this idea in their mind so they are watching you looking to see if they can see what your ex said, if your ex has a point, they are cross referencing that comment all the time in the back of their head and when you annoy them they pull that info and know exactly where to hurt you. Protect yourself, don't show them exactly where and how to hurt you. You don't know them after a few months to share this stuff. I wouldn't ever share it with a man tbh. They won't respect you more or treat you better for it because a good guy will treat you well without needing to know about your trauma and will have enough emotional intelligence and social and communication skills to not hurt you anyway. All you do when you share your hurt is give them a shortcut to hurt you not to treat you better.

My ex was like this, amazing, everything amazing at first. Then he started getting bored, I tried everything to be more exciting and interesting with him. Soon transpired he’s a huge porn head and once the novelty of our new exciting sex life had worn off he was back to needing pornography levels of sexual excitement every time.
fucking exhausting. One of multiple reasons he’s my ex, no matter how good he is on paper.

And in update you say he wants anal and pesters you for it you refused and calls you lazy, well there you go. You didn't do what he wants so he pulls comments that you told him your ex hurt you. He is using the info against you.
He said the sex was amazing because he is manipulative, they raise you up to bring you down so that you get addicted to the praise and their criticism hurt more. I'd break up with him.

Gross, get rid. I would say I think I had dated the same man, but sadly all too common. Got a good one now, just had to wade through a marsh of anal and/or pegging obsessed fuck boys to get there though!

Given your update about out earning him I think the poor little thing is insecure and thinks this is his power play. You don’t need that shit!

Ugh, he's negging you to bring down your confidence to the point where you agree to anal to please him. Hence why he can't actually articulate what he means and reverts to "just joking". FWIW, when I was dating I ended a few relationships around the 4 month mark. I think that's when they start to show their true selves. One or two limped on till 6 months but the writing was always on the wall around 4 months in. Also FWIW, I've never had anal sex and never want to. If any man ever pushed that, it'd be a major red flag.

Run run as fast as you can! 🚩🚩🚩

Definitely get rid of this one OP, he’s not a nice person and is deliberately trying to make you feel bad so you’ll do what he wants.

You talk a lot about your confidence and your performance in bed, but from your relationship history, it sounds like you have been in a series of abusive relationships with men who have all benefitted from the way your have been abused and manipulated by previous men. This is a series of boyfriends who have encouraged you to focus on and worry about your “performance” and focus on pleasing them rather than centering your own pleasure and enjoyment of sex. I suggest after you get rid of the anal pest, you take a break from dating and work on building up your ability to spot signs of potential abusers so you can weed them out quickly and not waste any more of your precious life with men who just want porn behaviour from you and don’t have good intentions towards you.

Why Does He Do That and the freedom program get recommended on here a lot, so maybe that would be a good place to start. There are good men out there who you could have a loving relationship and great sex with, you just have to work out how to swerve the bad ones within the first few dates.

Dump him.

Yeah, red flag. He is trying to put you down and damage your confidence. End the relationship, it will only get worse.

I’ve just seen he’s pestering for anal etc. ignore previous.

get rid.

You tell him “oh no, dear, you have this all wrong, my job is to lie back and think of England”.
Alternatively forget the relationship and move on to someone more considerate.

Well, fuck him. 👍
Not literally.
So glad my husband is 75 years old and I don't have to waste my time with this nonsense.
A partner/husband should make your life better in general, not question yourself, let alone in this way.
Speaking for myself.

For me the "I'm joking" makes this a red flag. Giving constructive ideas of what you want in bed and wish partner to be more active is fine. Giving feedback and then saying they are joking makes it seem like negging

What does he even mean by 'I do all the work'?

Sex isn't supposed to be work. As in he has to physically thrust his penis into your body?!
Do you give him oral, touch him in places/ways he likes? And he does the same for you? You both orgasm? (Well you I'd hope several times. Him also if he can do a 'few' in one session?)

I don't see what more he could expect. Unless he's got a kink you're not keen on. Which he shouldn't pressure you into if it's not your thing.

The thing is, a friend is someone who you have a good time with and who you leave feeling good about yourself. This isn’t that different.

Now that he’s said this, chances are that you won’t enjoy sex as much or be able to get into the moment - you’ll be second guessing whether you should be more exciting. No way should you do anal if you aren’t up for it (and it sounds as though you aren’t).

Even if you were to do anal (and you shouldn’t), it won’t be enough. There’ll be some other weird porn thing he wants to try.

Break up with him and tell him that you don’t think you can enjoy sex with him any more. Then block him.

If he's criticising you at 4 months and knocking your confidence, imagine what he would be like after a few years....

Yeah, now OP has shared the posts about him wanting anal, it’s time to bin him.

and for ref, my previous posts were not about excusing bad behaviour, it was more about not immediately saying run/dump/red flag, but actually understanding what the dynamic is. I feel like the formal is all to common on MN. OP has filled in more deets which obv indicate the guy is a complete see you next Tuesday!

This is patently wrong and motivation is clearly a big factor in what people say and WHY they say it

Op LATER disclosed he had been pestering her for anal..if you click 'see all' on her post you should get them all.

Run for the hills asap and don’t look back.