Guy I’m dating said I was lazy in bed and it’s knocked my confidence

[56brumm]

Hi, I’m 39 I have battled with confidence issues for many years.
when I met my longest relationship he use to tell me when we were young teens I was rubbish in bed or didn’t know what I was doing.
when I hit 30s we separated.
I dated a guy the sex was amazing and I found my confidence. But he turned out to be a not so nice man.
I have dated two other people.
the guy im dating now we have been having amazing sex. He has told me for months it the best sex he’s had mind blowing and so on.
over last couple of weeks tho he is now said a few times that im lazy. I’m not, I engage in many different positions granted he does do more. There has also been a couple of occasions we he has said he’s done all the work when I asked for it again.
I am unfit so when I’m on top my legs hurt after while but other than that I’m very confident in all ways.
im now simply losing confidence because I don’t understand how it can go from best sex he’s had to I’m lazy and he does all the work. I have said well what can I do and he’s not give me any constructive and just says I’m joking.
is this a red flag been dating for around 4 months

I would imagine he has been watching too much porn and assumes women are naturally putting on a performance. Maybe explain to him that having sex is not a performance piece... or at least it shouldn't be. And that porn isn't real - it's actors performing and then edited.
Like how real life and Eastenders are different...

Also, ditch him...

They never are ...never want to go first ..funny that ...especially as it can stimulate ejaculation for THEM

Could it be the pleasure fir them is actually dominance? Mmm🤔

Yeah he will always use that line now he knows it hurts you, now its anal next it will be dogging or threesomes. He will escalate because he feels great when he wins in pushing your boundaries, there is a whole category of men who get off on making a woman do more sexually taboo or explicit things 'slut making'. It's really sick out there which is why you shouldn't be so trusting and talk to them like a therapist or confessional, they will use your secrets.

well its a good job that you have only wasted 4 months on this rude loser. Dump him now and don't waste any more time.

Jokey way or not, its horrible.
He may have unrealistic expectations due to porn watching. You seem to be mentioning lots of positions quite a lot. Thats not indication of good sex, is it.

It's all clear now ... He wants to make you think you are 'vanilla' and not adventurous so that you agree to do something you don't want to.
He sounds awful... Chuck him back in the swamp

Fuck him. Soon he’ll probably say you’re lazy if you don’t let him strangle you too. Giving feedback like you’re some kind of paid worker, what are these blokes like.

@56brumm is this a red flag been dating for around 4 months

Yes, it's a red flag and gives narcissistic vibes. If he can't sut with you calmy and lovingly explain you how he likes it without being demeaning or putting you down you have no business with this man.

I wish I had the time to 'like' pretty much every comment on this thread. Never have I seen a bunch of responses so spot on. Glad you've joined the dots OP.

Sorry, I did read most but not all and missed that part.

That doesn't surprise me. He's a dickhead. And receiving anal isn't 'doing more of the work' is it, it's passive. Unless he wants pegging which wouldn't surprise me either. So him saying that wasn't even what he actually meant.

Rubbish communicator and potential sexual coercion. What a charmer.

It's fucking grim to pester people for sex acts they don't enjoy. You can ask, you can say you like it. But once it's a no you leave it the fuck alone.

It's clearly not compatible and he doesn't sound decent or caring at all.

Wtf I guarantee that no decent man would say that. Ever.

Yeah it’s seriously nasty of him.

Simple rule which will make your life so.much.better. Don’t stay around people who are not good to be around who do not have your back.

you got yourself a negging sex pest. The sooner you bin them off, the better your life will be.

think about why this is not obvious to you. Whatever it is making you hesitate from getting rid of this one, work that out later, once you get rid of him.

once you have stepped back, opened your eyes and realise ‘how very dare he’

He’s probably lazy in bed and wants you to do more so he does less … throw him back in!

So he builds you up with 'best sex I've ever had, mindblowing', then cuts you down with 'you're lazy in bed'? All in the space of four short months?

Yeah, nah. He can fuck off. The red flags are piling up.

I hope this isn't as common as I fear but I've been anally raped quite a few times when I was young.

They literally just thought they can shove it in. No warning, no asking, no lube, no foreplay, no skill. Obviously agonisingly painful and non consensual. Fucking pigs. I didn't even realise that was rape at the time.

Yes, the obvious response there is ‘Well, you never really rang my bell, but I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. Bye!’

Negging behaviour.

I think a relationship with a husband who have presumably known for years is very different to a new relationship of 4 months though…

I knew it. “You’re lazy in bed” really means I want to take your confidence away so you move your boundaries.

“I want anal”
No
”see, you’re lazy in bed”

having any boundary in bed (or elsewhere) does not make you lazy but some men cannot stand a woman having any boundary.

not doing anal is a boundary, I’d guess the majority would have, particularly in a 4 month relationship. I’d think about dumping someone that asked for anal so soon, I’d definitely dump if they asked twice.

Please dump him immediately and never see him again!

Negging you, undermining you and no doubt threatened by your career and earning more 🗑️ 🤢

To be honest, I hadn’t read about the anal bit yet and that is gross, and would end it for me.

50:50 I get it’s not always, but would be a major turn off if my husband got tired on top and I would be mortified if I was the same

Gross!

Women being called boring or vanilla or lazy because they don’t want a dick up their arse? Fuck right off mate!

From what you’ve said no you aren’t lazy, he just seems mismatched in what he wants.

I do think though if at 4 months in these comments are starting to come out then you should look to move on, it’s just not nice and unneeded.

Just believe you are cracking in the sack and find someone who makes you feel that way.