Guy I’m dating said I was lazy in bed and it’s knocked my confidence

[56brumm]

Hi, I’m 39 I have battled with confidence issues for many years.
when I met my longest relationship he use to tell me when we were young teens I was rubbish in bed or didn’t know what I was doing.
when I hit 30s we separated.
I dated a guy the sex was amazing and I found my confidence. But he turned out to be a not so nice man.
I have dated two other people.
the guy im dating now we have been having amazing sex. He has told me for months it the best sex he’s had mind blowing and so on.
over last couple of weeks tho he is now said a few times that im lazy. I’m not, I engage in many different positions granted he does do more. There has also been a couple of occasions we he has said he’s done all the work when I asked for it again.
I am unfit so when I’m on top my legs hurt after while but other than that I’m very confident in all ways.
im now simply losing confidence because I don’t understand how it can go from best sex he’s had to I’m lazy and he does all the work. I have said well what can I do and he’s not give me any constructive and just says I’m joking.
is this a red flag been dating for around 4 months

This is one of the biggest red flags there is - using something you've told them in absolute confidence later against you to mess with your self esteem, embarrass and/or shame you. Nice guys don't do this.

Ugh, he sounds gross.

If this was a genuine issue and he actually cared about you and your feelings, he would have raised it in a sensitive way. He's just negging you.

All this performance based, hours long, million-positions stuff is such a turn off for me. Granted I'm 50+ but good sex for me these days = get me off, then I'll get you off, or vice versa, then we can snuggle and go to sleep!

Agreed , nice guys don’t t do this .
He’s showing himself to be an asshole already , I’ve a feeling the worst is yet to come with this fella , I really hope OP doesn’t stick around to find out .

Yeah it would be embarrassing enough if he was like this at 13...

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It’s not going to get any better, is it, if he’s refusing to respect your boundaries this early in the relationship? What a predictable, pathetic man. Bin him off. You deserve better.

Zero doubt that this bloke is really bad news. He's deliberately trying to undermine your confidence, and wear down your resistance on something you've already told him that you don't want to do. Who serves up a clear insult and then claims it's only a joke? Only someone seriously unpleasant and conniving. He means it – he's deadly serious about wanting to insult you and demolish your self-belief, so that you're more easy to manipulate. This is classic controlling behaviour.

Please leave him. If you stay, it's only going one way, and it will be really grim for you. Treat yourself with the respect and kindness you deserve, and get out now.

It sounds like he wants to knock you down a peg or two. Manipulating you. First sign of an abusive personality type.

If you had been lazy in bed and he was a nice person, he’d address the issue differently. No one that is kind, considerate and a good egg would just call you lazy in bed etc.
Well done for recognising that this comment was alarming. Now don’t waste any more of your time on him, you can’t change him and you need to get away.

This.

Get rid of him OP. He's not a nice man.

You have said no, and he doesn't want to take no for an answer.

Red flag. Dump him.

You shouldn't have told him that. There isn't any need for him to know that another man in your past said those things to you

He’s the lazy one - for not bothering to work out a tactful, polite and grown up way of talking to you.

Reading your updates - get him in the bin. He doesn’t respect you.

I was literally just about to post "Get ready for the requests for anal OP" when I read your update!

That's 100% what this is about. He's trying to shame you into doing anal, for fear of appearing lazy if you don't.

Get rid. Run for the hills. Don't spend another day with this awful excuse for a man.

Don't waste your time on someone who makes you feel bad!

A man who pesters for sex is an immediate no.

Having read your posts further down, yep.
First post I thought sounds like one of those men who 'get bored' , watching too much porn. It's like some married men on dating sites - have got bored of 'vanilla' and are looking for someone to do things their wives won't do.

What the hell is it about men and anal? As if women don't already have exactly the right equipment for the job already.

Dump him.

Good! Now send him on his merry way.
There was only one time in my life when I continued sleeping with a guy who said I was crap in bed. I was 19 so I can forgive myself for not telling him where to go there and then. From what I remember now, he wasn't that great himself.
Now, in my 40s no guy will dare to say anything to me because they know they will be shown the door. So they can "joke" but it comes at a price. And the price is loosing access to me.

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He's punishing you for not complying with his demands, messing with your head to make you feel bad about yourself.
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He is revolting. Get rid.

in a good career earn well. More than him
This will also be a factor, certain types of men cant deal with being outdone/outranked by a woman.

He's negging you. He's trying to wear you down enough so you'll give in to what he wants. Tell him to f* off.

Throw this one back op. A genuinely good man would not be critiquing your 'performance' and if they did want to try new things or encourage you there's lots of tactful and empowering ways to do that while still keeping it fun and flirty. I agree he's negging you so he can in fact be lazy. The pressure he's putting on you for anal is absolutely not ok and he should have dropped it quickly when you said no the first time. Don't waste any more time giving away your power to this idiot.

Sounds like a waste of space!

So that explains a lot. Imagine he is six years old and wants the special toy…….

It’s called pester power. Worked well with his parents, sadly not very well with adult women.