Heartbroken - Step Kids

[Landshark01]

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

You are waaaaaay too invested in them for someone who has been dating their mum for eight months. Take a step back and leave them all to it.

It’s only been 8 months you shouldn’t be investing in her house renovations!! They are 18 & 22 there’s not a lot you can do if their own parents can’t even be bothered to guide them into a prosperous future. I would walk away from this one.

You sound like a decent person. Unfortunately your partner has not parented her children well and this is the result - lazy, entitled adults acting like kids. I don’t think you can force the issue. She will ( rightly) always choose her kids but hopefully your comments and the fact you’ve left over it will at least make her think about it. She can’t be happy with the behaviour surely.

Are you actually breaking up or just taking some time apart?

They do sound like a pain in the arse, but they're not YOUR pain in the arse so either you rise above it or if you can't do that it's not the relationship for you, no matter how much you love this woman.
Does she even want your input into parenting? If she doesn't this ain't gonna fly, is it?

I don’t think this relationship will ever work.
I’m not blaming you entirely because I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live in a household like this.
I doubt it will ever change and she will always put them first.
She shouldn’t be “your entire world” it’s been 8 months, you are to involved.

She sounds like she was a bit of a rubbish parent. That alone is a red flag. My children have been brought up as a reflection of me. They are polite and responsible and hard working, because I’ve instilled that in them. I wouldn’t be flying into a relationship with anyone who on the surface sounds pretty shit. What sort of ambitions, work ethic, passions does she have? I bet it’s pretty uninspiring beyond the show she might be putting on for these early months.

That said, at 8 months in, I’d just be barely considering introducing you to my adult children. Why are you moved in? Poking around in their bedrooms? Applying for jobs for them? If my mum’s partner had been this creepy and overbearing, I know where I would have told him to go.

If you are truly sure this is the relationship for you and you can live with her awful parenting, you need to take a step back. Go out on dates, meet at yours only, stay out of it until they move out. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Thanks all.

Some good points and kind of reassuring that I'm not going mad - kind of starting to believe in someway I'm unreasonable.

So in response - She feels that I should be challenging their behaviour direct rather than waiting until we are together and moaning about it. To me though, the things I'm challenging should be long behind them at their age and should only need the odd reminder.

When she told them Id left, they were just like "What? Hes left? Why? If he felt that way, he should of said" but these discussions happen all the time and they say they don't do enough and will try harder for 48hrs.

Well, In the heat of the moment Ive said I was leaving and wished her all the best so.......She has text me and tried to call but still cant see why I went and "took it out on her" she says "im punishing her for their wrong doings" and theres nothing she can do about it. I (wrongly) did text her last night and said I still love her but shes ignored it.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address

You shouldn't have been living 'at the address'! It's bee 8 months.

You can stay with her if you want-go on dates, walks, invite her back to yours. You don't have to go anywhere near her kids and why would you think about investing in her house?!

Get some boundaries

If you’ve only been together 8 months then her children, finances, and household are none of your business.

Thanks for your input - When I say about the mess in their rooms - its pretty hard to avoid, The doors are open and the house lay out is a townhouse, we were upstairs....plus in order to find glasses and cuttlery we have had to knock on the door and ask for their washing up.

In relation to the job applications - They say they dont know how to and to be honest sending their CVs etc the way they were........Not good

To be honest, if someone I had been dating for 8 months tried to tell me how to parent my young adult kids I would be saying goodbye. You've honestly moved way too fast. Let her and her ex sort the kids out.

8 months? You are massively over involved and overstepping. If you want to have any hope of salvaging the relationship then step right back, focus on your relationship with their Mum only, the rest really isn't your business.

It seems very odd to be saying this woman you’ve been dating for barely more than half a year “was and is your whole world” when you have kids. You are far, far too involved.

They are adults. She is their parent. You’re just a boyfriend and still a pretty new one at that. Step back. If she’s expecting you to start parenting them to make up for the lack of boundaries she has with them, she’s being unreasonable too.

We knew eachother for some time before entering the relationship as it is but to be honest never met or knew huge amounts about her kids. Anything ive ever done in relation to the jobs was because Ive been asked for help.

While i agree with everything you're saying and doing, it's way too soon to be so involved.

She hasn't parented her kids and at the age they're at, it's never going to change.

Cut your losses and walk away from this one.

I don’t know why you can’t ‘date’ her. You need never go to her place or see her children. She can come to yours, her boys are old enough to be left to their own devices.

When did you move in? What about your kids?

It’s only been 8 months, and you can’t possibly have that much real background into the previous dynamics of this family, how the kids grew up in their household when their parents were married, how their parents raised them, for context into how today’s dynamics have been formed.

It reads as you are trying to do a lot of fixing and are noticing issues and problems in how they are as people, which isn’t really your issue, or place to do. Especially after 8 months - in the nicest possible way.

you also sound quite critical of them, I wonder if this is a healthy dynamic for any of you, you feeling frustrated, their mum feeling torn between your feelings and her children’s’ and the two children, who must be aware you’re frustrated at so many aspects of how they go about their day and lives

And why would you be her priority after 8 months?
Sounds like you want her kids to move out so you can move in with yours.
I have no idea why people live like this, so bizarre.

I am hoping this is a joke because your school is closed today.

You are saying that you’ve only been with this woman 8 months, you already moved in and now back out and you’ve tried telling her how to raise her raise and even suggested kicking them out of their own home.

Where are your own kids in all of this?

Surely you saw what these kids were like before you moved in, so why continue to move in?

Her kids are old enough that she could come and stay at yours regularly without having to move in together - why was that not an option?

Not at all - There would be enough space/rooms for my kids to stay if that was what was needed.

Where do your kids stay when you have them?

His kids are on the side, this lady "is my life".

You're wasting your time to think you'll ever come first and that's how it should be tbh.

It reads like you are trying to make her choose - that's really not an option, she's their mum. If they don't see their dad much then she's all they've got. Don't judge her parenting - people are different and children are different. It's also a very different time now to when you were young, youth unemployment is high and the job market is super tough, young people have much more mental health issues.
You're only 8months in why not live separately but date for a bit? Give everyone some time to adjust. It's not a competition, when you love someone you want them to be happy -judging their parenting and pressuring them to kick out their children doesn't sound like the recipe for happiness.