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Original poster

Heartbroken - Step Kids

214 replies

Landshark01 · 09/01/2026 10:35

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 09/01/2026 14:50

I couldn’t date someone who let their kids behave in that way either.

TwistedWonder · 09/01/2026 14:50

Why the hell are you even thinking about investing into the new home of someone you’ve been dating a few months so her and her adult kids can live there. Why aren’t you prioritising your own school age kids?

Honestly she sounds like the female version of a cocklodger

Newyear26already · 09/01/2026 14:54

I am shocked at your op. How can they be your step kids when they are adult men and you have only known their mother for a matter of months? What are you actually doing and why???!!!

Nomoremening · 09/01/2026 15:00

Something is seriously off with @Landshark01 he is far too involved with this woman’s kid who he is calling his stepkids after 8 months which is absurd.

And barely even mentioned his own kids and hasn’t answered pp questions about where they have been going while he has custody of them when living with this woman.

Mrsknowitall · 09/01/2026 15:01

It’s been 8 months! You don’t get to have a say what goes on in her house with her children. Tbh if a new man told me to be kicking my kids out to their dad’s, you’d be the one gone, I would be seeing you as a massive red flag 🚩

GetThatCatOfMyTreadmill · 09/01/2026 15:02

Landshark01 · 09/01/2026 11:21

WOW - very judgemental

Show quote history

How are you so involved after 8 months though?

Surely if you knew her well before, you would have known about their behaviour?

TwistedWonder · 09/01/2026 15:02

Nomoremening · 09/01/2026 15:00

Something is seriously off with @Landshark01 he is far too involved with this woman’s kid who he is calling his stepkids after 8 months which is absurd.

And barely even mentioned his own kids and hasn’t answered pp questions about where they have been going while he has custody of them when living with this woman.

It’s quite telling his own DC barely even mentioned he’d do invested in this woman who he said is ‘his whole world’ and throwing money that he could spend on his own his at her and her adult freeloaders.

Not sure he’s thinking with the right head tbh

ThriveAT · 09/01/2026 15:03

Let her go. You are wasting your time.

Nomoremening · 09/01/2026 15:03

Derbee · 09/01/2026 14:50

There is so much wrong with this.

  1. You’ve been dating a woman for only 8 months, and are already living together when you have young children adjusting to divorce
  2. Your girlfriends children are adults - they are not your bloody step children
  3. You are talking about investing in someone else’s property after 8 months of a relationship
  4. You are “heartbroken” over a woman living with her adult children in a way that you disagree with
  5. You have the audacity to nag them about tidying, cleanliness etc in their own home. You’ve been sleeping with their mum for 8 months. You don’t suddenly get to decide that makes you the man of the house who sets the rules for all to follow
  6. You’re wondering if you’ll ever “come first” for her. Why the hell would you EVER come before her children? Would you prioritise a woman over your own children? Because you shouldn’t, FYI.

Grow up. Concentrate on your own children. Don’t be so intense about involving yourself in the lives of others, who don’t even want your input. Stop exaggerating with being heartbroken.

All of this. Spot on.

Gibstub · 09/01/2026 15:06

Get out now. Things will not change.

Allseeingallknowing · 09/01/2026 15:07

I think some are being hard on the op, telling him it’s none of his business etc when he has tried his best to help them and make it work. He needs to have a conversation with the mother, but I fear it’s too late, nothing will change. He will be wasting his time and money pursuing this relationship. He will only be a handyman, and a meal ticket, to the detriment of his own children. I bet this woman thought she had found gold when she met him! I hope he eventually meets someone decent, who, if she has children has standards and boundaries. OP asks if this is how 22 year olds are now-God, I hope not, but I fear there are loads of lazy, idle young adults living the life of Riley in their parents’ homes, getting everything paid for, no incentive to work, no aspirations, taking advantage of indulgent parents who are doing them no favours, while awaiting a large inheritance some day.

smooththecat · 09/01/2026 15:08

Why are you getting involved in parenting two adult kids? How was you moving in in such a short timeframe handled with them? Have you not got your own house?

Nomoremening · 09/01/2026 15:08

TwistedWonder · 09/01/2026 15:02

It’s quite telling his own DC barely even mentioned he’d do invested in this woman who he said is ‘his whole world’ and throwing money that he could spend on his own his at her and her adult freeloaders.

Not sure he’s thinking with the right head tbh

Show quote history

It really is. What a shame for his children.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

And I gather from this he may have separated/divorced quite recently and now jumped into this new relationship.

My guess is they are both a bit emotionally immature and Op in particular might have control/codependency issues.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/01/2026 15:10

In less than eight months, you had moved in and started campaigning for her to kick her own children out as well as talking about investing in her property, so would have a claim on it in the event of a split.

Were you living at your parents or in short term rental for the first couple of months? To an observer, it could look like you've been trying to get yourself a nice little set up there and just needed to get those awkward young adults out of the way when the lovebombing stalled.

Firebox64 · 09/01/2026 15:11

Sorry to be blunt but they are not your step kids. You are not married to their mother. They are some boys you know because you have a friendship with their mother.

PapaSatanicus · 09/01/2026 15:23

You’re not heartbroken, you’re sulking and feeling sorry for yourself because you are not in control of these other peoples lives. You will never come first if she has any sense.

You need to mind your own business, how she raises her kids and her home are her business not yours.

Dgll · 09/01/2026 15:26

You sound like you like to take charge and solve situations. They sound quite passive which is why they have appeared to go along with you but have done nothing. You can't control or change people.

It does all seem quite intense. Surely it would be better to chanel your energy onto your own kids and stop worrying about hers.

liamharha · 09/01/2026 15:36

Landshark01 · 09/01/2026 10:35

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

8mths and you want to come first 🚩🚩🚩.
Look I bet you are very structured and in no way is your way wrong it's different for them tho and after 8mths you have no right to go into someone's home and demand things change .
If you don't like how things are and they are not prepared to compromise(not just give in to you) then your best out of the relationship for all sakes .

beAsensible1 · 09/01/2026 15:36

Why are you in her house is bloody much.

meet at yours and stay at yours when your kids aren’t over.

you are mad telling someone to kick their kids out after 8 months. The cheek of you. They don’t sound particularly pleasant at all, but you can’t imagine your level of overstepping is appropriate.

most people don’t put partners before their children. I would hope you don’t put her before your own children.

parenting adult children in this economy. There is a lot of failure to launch or almost extended adolescence. And people are struggling to find the right solutions, I understand the desire to help.

but ultimately you are a random man dating their mother whose got his feet under pretty quick, that quite obviously wants them out of the way.

Im surprised they’re not actively hostile towards you.

Givemeausernamepls · 09/01/2026 15:38

Your partner has told you directly her priority is her children and she is either happy or not prepared to do anything to change their behaviours. In short yes she will prioritise her children.

You don’t really mention your own children at all. Maybe it’s better you stay split and both prioritise your children or you live elsewhere and see each other in your spare time away from her home

liamharha · 09/01/2026 15:39

Landshark01 · 09/01/2026 10:35

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

Would you be happy if your kids came second to their mum's boyfriend of 8mths ?

Shatteredallthetimelately · 09/01/2026 15:45

So in response - She feels that I should be challenging their behaviour direct rather than waiting until we are together and moaning about it.

No you shouldn't be challenging their behaviour as their parent that's her job to do not pass the buck to someone she's been seeing for only 8 months.

The way her DC behave is her own doing as I suspect they didn't become like that overnight.

At 18 and 22 they should by now have learned some respect and certainly know how to go about finding work, it's not your job to pick up on their mothers lazy parenting.

As much as you say you like her I'd leave her to live with her lazy offspring and move on.

TellingBone · 09/01/2026 15:45

PashaMinaMio · 09/01/2026 11:31

This^^!
You sound weak to me.
Be your own man.
Stay away from her kids & home.
Date her properly, take her out, invite around to yours.
8 months is nothing.

Show quote history

Agree with this.

Step back. Let them get on with it. Meanwhile you and she continue to date for as long as it suits you both. No combining finances for either of you.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2026 15:52

@Landshark01

I'll be blunt. Her children and what she allows them to do/live is none of your damned business. The fact that you love her and want a future with her is irrelevant. Even if she wants the same it is up to her to decide whether or not she wants to change her parenting. And if she does, she needs to do it without help from you.

If it she truly said that you should "challenge their behaviour direct", which I take to mean you should speak directly to her children, she's either using you to do what she should be doing herself or she's paying you lip service to keep you around. Either way it is not your place to try to change her children's ways, even if she wants it to be. And in the end, even if you accomplished what you want to, her children will hate or resent you because she will put all the blame for it squarely on you. And won't that make family gatherings pleasant?

You have two choices; 1-cut your losses and move on, or 2-accept that she has the right to run her home as she chooses including accepting her children's 'ways'.

Personally, I'd choose number 1. If you are all you appear to be I don't think you'll have a problem meeting someone with less 'family baggage'. If you choose number 2, then make up your mind that you will need to keep your mouth shut, resist her efforts to make you the 'bad guy', and mainly see her away from her home.

Bikergran · 09/01/2026 15:52

She will always prioritise them. Get out now, before you invest/waste any more of your life, there are plenty of lovely sensible women out there looking for a decent chap like you. Some people you simply can't help, she will be a doormat to them till the day she dies.

Get out, clean break, don't go back, whatever she says, nothing will change.