Heartbroken - Step Kids

[Landshark01]

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

She sounds like she saw you coming. Start thinking with the correct head and cut your losses before it's too late.

She is not your absolute world, really, is she? She’s someone who has overly relied on a new partner to support her adult children who have been poorly parented.

Concentrate on your own children and give yourself (and them!) a hard pass from this level of stress. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Ummmm no, you should never come first, over her children. Not now, not ever.

Someone you’ve been dating for 8 months shouldn’t be “your whole world”. Nobody should be anyone’s “whole world”, but your kids should be your priority.

You’re far too invested 8 months in.

you should hardly even have met them by this stage.

You're way too invested in this woman and her wastrel children/adults.

From your phrasing, it sounds like your divorce from the mum of your own kids hasn't actually gone through yet...

The only people you should be describing as your "whole world" should be your own children.

Go back to just "dating" this woman. Cinema trips, meals out, walks etc. There's no reason for you to be trying to sort out her adult kids. And no, you shouldn't be investing in her house. It's been 8 months.
Presumably, you once referred to the mum of your kids as "your whole world"?? You need to slow this riiiiiight down.

A lot of young adults are lost right now, I think lockdown affected them more than is realised. While it's admirable that you are trying to help, they aren't your kids and you are coming across as bring a bit controlling.

To suggest they move out is frankly, outrageous.

Step back, go on dates and holidays, keep out of her house, it isn't your "home".

You cannot fix this.

Your girlfriend made decisions and choices when raising her children which have led to this point.

Part will have been reaction to circumstance, and part will have been her character.

The person who created this is the person you are in a relationship with. For now, the focus is on the squalor and the incapable adults in the home, not on her, in her entirety.

You have young children, and sound like a decent and generous person.

I suggest you do not go further here.

I disagree.

Forcing them to moving out sounds like the only thing that will launch them into the adult world.

this!

Well said @andIsaid 👏🏻

You REALLY should not be telling your girlfriend how to parent her adult children when you’re only 8 months into the relationship. That’s their domestic set up - you either become part of it or you step away from it. It is absolutely not your job to police it.

And that’s their mothers decision not some bloke she’s only known a few months

Obviously you've both moved way too fast, and its absurd for her to suggest you try to sort out issues with the kids direct, but equally bat shit to be investing in her home. You're both bonkers.

They are her children, and if you don't like how she parents, then you've a massive issue even when the 'kids' are young adults as her approach and style won't change. It sounds like she's not brought her kids up to do the basics, including financial responsibility. Frankly, run. Don't invest in the house, don't consider marriage, look after your own. If you end up married you'll be supporting everyone and it sounds like she'll off load all the difficult conversations to you.

You’re not unreasonable at all. I have adult DCs a bit older and can say she’s not doing them ANY favours at all by enabling their behaviour and their unhealthy lifestyle.

Maybe it comes from a place of love, guilt or something, but long term they need to be adults. Yes, parents should put their children first but that looks different when they’re adults or nearly so - we’re meant to prepare them for independence, inspire them to study or work, encourage them to earn and save for their future, and not enable them to fester in their rooms gaming all day.

Stepping away is the best thing you can do, especially if the situation understandably frustrates you, because it’s too ingrained to change anytime soon and you’ll be blamed and resented if you try.

I know you’ll miss her but it’s only been 8 months and much of what you feel will be the loss of where you thought or hoped this would go, and who you thought or hoped she would be. You both thought it was and would be perfect, you hoped to grow old together, and shared thoughts and dreams and that’s hard to walk away from, especially if ‘only 8 months’ had been wonderful.

We don’t truly know people within 8 months IMO (unless perhaps both people are young and without anyone else like exes, DC, over involved parents etc. in the picture). It takes a couple of years to really know the full ‘warts and all’ person.

Now that you’ve seen the situation in its entirety and have stepped away, keep going because you’re on a hiding to nothing, sadly.

It’s a weird one.
I absolutely agree with pp that you’ve moved too fast too soon. From your OP your divorce is not even finalised and your own dc have not had much time to settle down to having their parents in separate households. TBH, they should be your world at the moment and helping them make the transitions they need to make over the next few years.
Having said that, I find it strange that the woman is so willing to have you step into a parenting role with her young adults by telling you to challenge them directly, by contemplating you paying out for quite substantial home improvements, by telling you of her young adults’ dismay that you have left (you don’t appear to have actually witnessed this dismay).
I think if you can’t bear to swerve this one, best to keep it as dating with the occasional sleepover. Both of your attitudes are strange. You are both racing into this far too soon.

You have only been seeing her for eight months.

Eight months!

Her children aren't really any of your business after only eight months.

True.

But it is also true that the mother is inviting him to do it.

You seem to be a good man; considerate, caring and generous. So I’m sad to say that you and she don’t seem suited. She will not change and her kids won’t change. I know you get on well otherwise, but those kids aren’t moving out any time soon, so I think you need to move on. There are lots more great women out there.

Well she's not going to abandon her kids just because her boyfriend of 8 months tells her to. It's her house and if she doesn't care they leave a mess then that's on her.

She should tell them to go on benefits and stop funding their entire lives, obviously. But you can say that's your opinion and then that's it. In reality it's not your business so trying to manipulate her or give her ultimatums will go down like a lead balloon.

All this and only 8 months in?
She was wrong to let you into her children's lives so soon and you were wrong to try and "fix" things - they're not your children and it's not up to you.

First post nails it. Way too intense at 8 months. Better to date for a year before meeting children. But… you now have an early insight into GF’s weaknesses that are unlikely to be resolved any time soon, if ever.

This woman’s parenting choices and the indulgences she shows her children are unlikely to change. No amount of suggestions, help, nagging or ultimatums from you will suddenly make two adults functioning members of society.

Your GF has allowed them to be slovenly wasters. That would be a huge turn off for most people. So save yourself the hassle and walk away now.

More importantly, your children do not need the friction of blending families or a couple of appalling role models.

These boys aren’t your step kids. They are your new girlfriends adult children.

You have no parental responsibility for them - and they are adults.

i don’t think this relationship will work. You are far too invested in their lives. How would you feel if your girlfriend started parenting your children like this? In fact you are noticeably silent on your own children. Who actually need parenting at their age.

don’t invest in the house - these men will likely be living at home for the next decade, at least. How would that impact your own children? Would there be room for this new house to also be their home? Will they also have bedrooms?

You’ve dived in headfirst to a relationship and not taken the time for a slow build. This is always more of a problem when there are kids and exes and so on involved. My advice is this is not going to work long term, and in the future you need to slow down and enjoy dating and getting to know someone on steadier ground. Moving to her address and starting to get involved in how she deals with her adult children is way too much too soon.

It does sound like her adult children are annoying, but it’s really not your business and you have no idea of the wider context of how all this has come to be. Either way, in my experience mums who are this permissive and lacking in boundaries make a really difficult rod for their own backs and it all ends in tears years down the line when a man in his late 30s/40s is still acting like a teen and the parents are too old to continue providing, Why would you stick around for that?

You are not compatible and as fun as the dating stage was, that incompatibility means you won’t work long term as a couple. Walk away.

They're adults. You can't get involved in their affairs. Best leaving them to it. You have a different viewpoint to your partner and you won't change her mind, so...

There is so much wrong with this.

1. You’ve been dating a woman for only 8 months, and are already living together when you have young children adjusting to divorce
2. Your girlfriends children are adults - they are not your bloody step children
3. You are talking about investing in someone else’s property after 8 months of a relationship
4. You are “heartbroken” over a woman living with her adult children in a way that you disagree with
5. You have the audacity to nag them about tidying, cleanliness etc in their own home. You’ve been sleeping with their mum for 8 months. You don’t suddenly get to decide that makes you the man of the house who sets the rules for all to follow
6. You’re wondering if you’ll ever “come first” for her. Why the hell would you EVER come before her children? Would you prioritise a woman over your own children? Because you shouldn’t, FYI.

Grow up. Concentrate on your own children. Don’t be so intense about involving yourself in the lives of others, who don’t even want your input. Stop exaggerating with being heartbroken.