Heartbroken - Step Kids

[Landshark01]

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

OP - Your head is in the clouds and you need to take a massive step back.

8 months in, and you're saying this lady is your life. Very sweet, but you might still be in infatuation stage.

Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort

This is utterly bonkers.

You're trying to be their father - DO NOT DO THIS.

You're also trying to parent two young adults as if a) They were your own and b) As if they're 15 year olds.

There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take

Yes, because you are NOT their father.

Even though you mean well, you are simply someone who's been with their mother for 8 months.

Take note - there is a fine line between helping and interfering & controlling. You've gone over that line.

OP I think you have a lot to give, but I think your paternal interest is misplaced here. You should be working or volunteering as some kind of youth worker (within their boundaries mind). Do not waste your energy where it's not appreciated or even wanted. You will only find bitterness and disappointment there.

Also important for you to understand. As long as you are with someone who has children, you will never, ever come first. People don't just have children until they're 18, they have them for life, and I hope you have that attitude with your children.

I think some are being hard on the op, telling him it’s none of his business etc when he has tried his best to help them and make it work.

It is none of his business, though. The adult kids sound awful but this is between them and their mother. The guy who's been dating their mum for 15 minutes has absolutely no place correcting them, suggesting they move out and complaining that he should "come first". Make what work? They aren't obliged to have a relationship with him.

This is mental.

You barely know this woman; you've been together 2 minutes.

What about your own children? Where have they stayed since you've lived with your girlfriend?

She should prioritise them over you, they are her children, they hate you and are unlikely to change. Don’t waste your time.

Were you hired specifically to undo a lifetime of crap parenting?

8 months. An 8 months relationship with their mother...

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.
...

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

You should have only recently met them, not funding their uselessness and talking to their mum about kicking them out. WTF are you at 8 months in to be making these suggestions? And moaning that you come second? SEriously?

Walk away. She should have by now, as she clearly has her hands full and isn't ready for a relationship, but walk away.

Yes, she hasn't parented her children well, but to me, moving in after 8 months is a huge red flag. You say you've known her for years, but obviously not well enough to know what life would be like with her adult kids.

Why the rush for you to move in? Is it love or do you need somewhere to stay? Do you have a house of your own? Move back there. She might be amazing, but your own kids need the two of you to be a lot more stable before moving in.

If it's love, date her and wait for her kids to move out.

@Landshark01 You've been going out for 8 months!! 8 months!!

You both have DC - why have you moved in with her?

What happens when you have parental responsibility for your own DC? Do you go back to your own house?

It's lovely that you think you are soul mates and that you are aligned on many things, however, it seems that have conflicting parenting styles. It's an important principle to see eye to eye on for many relationships to succeed.

It seems she has a very hands off approach (which would also drive me mad) and in turn has produced these 2 feckless adult males. You cannot fix this. They are not your step children. You are not their parent.
Why would they listen to you? You have only been visible to them for half a year. To them, you are her current BF.

You cannot control your GF or your GF's adult DC. You can only control if you are prepared to put up with this - the behaviour of her DC and how she facilitates their lifestyle.

So much to unpick here ...

Were you living together or not? You've dated for 8 months so it would seem very premature if you were, particularly as you both have children.

Where are you now? In your own home? I suggest you maintain your own home whether or not you get back together. A "dating" arrangement where you visit each other would be much the most sensible thing.

8 months is far too soon to have your kids staying at new girlfriend's house. This is around the stage where they are being introduced. The kids need to be settled with you in your home, not someone else's.

Her adult kids are her problem not yours. If you live separately at least until they leave home, their lazy/mucky habits needn't concern you. At least they are adults which means she is free to visit you in your home.

No way should you be investing in HER home. Get your own set up properly and invest in that. If you have surplus cash set up savings accounts for your own kids.

Live separately and enjoy going on dates. Spend time together without the kids involved.

@Landshark01 you and she do not have the same values. She sets the standards her family has, not you. Find someone with closer values to yours (whether or not they have kids).

She sounds like a terrible mother. I'm not sure how can you have any respect for her. But it's not your place to be changing how she approaches her relationship with her kids. And it should not be a surprise that they're her priority. Just as your kids should be your priority and have more of your focus, not whatever is left over after you've given everything to your "whole world".

But if you want a relationship with her still, don't live with her. Date her. Go out, invite her over. Don't get involved with her kids or witness her parenting. Keep things much more chill. (And stop moaning to her about them).

You sound like a really decent person and deserve better, walk away, your partner or her children are never going to change.

@HoppinggreenI’m not. Ive tagged you by mistake.