Heartbroken - Step Kids

[Landshark01]

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

They're not your step kids. You're a bf of a few months. 🙄

You were supposed to be investing in a home with someone you've been dating for 8 months? Do you mean by left the address that you had moved in? Why'd you move in so fast? Was your place rented?

Slow your roll.

You shouldn't be introducing new bfs and gfs until you're 6 months to a year into a relationship.

That soulmate stuff is bullshit. You barely know each other. You guys don't even agree on important things like parenting, for starters.

Where are your kids in this mess? Did you rush them into meeting your new squeeze?

You're incompatible due to extremely different ideas on how to parent. You don't like her kids. Guess what. They matter more to her than a bf of a few months.

This is red flags all over the place.

@Landshark01 you need to find someone on your wavelength with similar attitudes to kids. Also, you cant be parenting that well because i assume your ex does most of the care anyway. It sounds like you are living in a bubble but dont like the reality of who she is/what her lifestyle is.

I dated someone like this - im the single parent and we were deeply in love. However i had two small children and my then partner had his opinions on them ie they shouldnt play on my phone or that they ruled my life. In all honesty he was completely unreasonable as by critiquing me, he just ended up making my life harder/making me feel like i had to choose somehow. The best thing you can do for anyone in a relationship is make their life easier, and if you arent, then move onto someone who suits you more. Im not saying its easy at all as i remember posting here then getting a barrage of hate saying i wasnt a good mother because i let a man make comments about my parenting, and that i should just stay single. We did end up splitting up but it really isnt as simple as that, you love this woman but you just dont fit well as a couple so you just have to let go. Its tough but i think its the right thing for you.

@Landshark01

She is their parent, not you.
She has allowed this behaviour in them.
If you had known the (both your friend and her kids) disrespect for their own home and are happy to live like pigs in shit in squalor, would you have dated her?
She lives in a slum with near-adults who won't work.
It is not your job to tell them to work, clean, wash, or even lock the door when they leave.
That is was her job as their parent.
You won't change them now.

Think of this as a very near miss.

Don't contact her again - she's had years to instill a sense of worth and self worth into her children and home and she hasn't.

Seems like you see a soulmate, she sees a meal ticket and a way to pa off her parental responsibilities. Think she saw you coming tbh

I can’t believe you were living in her house this soon. That’s a red flag. I hope you have your own accommodation. Where were you seeing your own children? At her house?
Way too much too soon, never mind the step children side of things. Madness.

Why are you quoting me here?

You are involved and really it’s nothing to do with you. That being said I couldn’t be with someone who raised and enabled young adults to behave like that so for me I’d have walked away a while ago

I've only read your OP but she won't ever de prioritise them for you so I think you did the right thing moving out, it won't change.

She made a rod for her own back and so she needs to live with the consequences.

You are only 8 months in and at loggerheads heads already?!
I’m the same age as you and I can quite honestly say if I met someone 8 months ago I wouldn’t want their input on my home, my children or anything else that is, at this stage absolutely nothing to do with them.
Why are you so invested after such a short amount of time? I totally understand that you have hobbies and interests in common but respectfully, the relationship sounds pretty intense for such early days.
I would be seriously looking at what you want to get out of this because I honestly would not want the hassle of this household’s dynamics. Your new partner is the one who should be organising her offspring, telling them to tidy, get work and if she can’t/won’t then it is totally her problem not yours. Don’t stay there if it’s causing problems, as they are older she can stay at yours surely?
it sounds like you may have jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire and I would step back and concentrate on your own children/life in these early stages after a separation, not look to get tangled with something that sounds a nightmare!

See above - there are so many of these posts I agree with!

Op - you have not answered about where you see your own kids and when - they should be the ‘centre of your world ’ not a girlfriend you’ve been with for 8 months.

You have overstepped massively in things that are not your business. As my DH would say ‘stay up your own end of the pitch’ and concentrate on your own family/kids and stop trying to change someone else.

Well it sounds to me like she hasn't made a very good job of bringing them up in terms of being "life ready" And showing respect for your own personal space and keeping it clean and tidy that's on their parents I'm afraid

Her kids will always come first. You will either have to put up with it or finish the relationship. There is no way they will go to live with their father.

Yes they sound lazy but you’re not their stepdad, it isn’t your house and you’ve moved in after only 8 months together. I wouldn’t tolerate that.
Where do your children stay when you have them?

Oh and you suggested kicking them out to their dad’s? I’d have kicked you out right there and then.

From their perspective- imagine being a young adult and some random bloke moves in and starts playing daddy. They’re rinsing you for what they can get and probably laughing about what a mug you are.

And despite her (and their) uselessness you are totally out of order suggestion they move out - huge overstep

This is all a shitshow of your own making

Too much, too soon - for both of you and the kids. Even the title of the thread is wrong - they are not your step kids, they are your girlfriends children. Its been 8 months - never mind you, wth was she thinking? Her children are adults, what they do is not your business - you should not be involved and their mother should not be involving you (big red flags for both of you). If my mothers new boyfriend tried laying down the law with me, it would not have ended well. You both seem to have jumped headlong into playing house and happy families, and perhaps you should take some time to work out why that is. Its all a bit OTT teenage romance/full on love bombing, instead of two grown adults with kids. You have children - why are you dragging them into this? If you are living with your girlfriend and children, presumably the boys stay there when its your time to have them - is that really the environment you want them to be in. It sounds chaotic and unhealthy at best. I know you didn't like a previous posters comment but it does raise an eyebrow when you say your girlfriend of 8 months is your world, not your children. Move out and just date - you handle your own responsibilities and tell her to handle hers. As for suggesting kicking them out to their dads, honestly who do you think you are? GF is an idiot for tolerating this, but honestly you come across like a bit of a user. You have found a woman with a house, you wasted no time in moving in and now you want to get rid of her children so that you can have her/it to yourself and can have your kids there. Not a good look.

You've moved waaaaay too fast.

8 months in and not only have you moved in and calling them your "stepkids" but you've been trying to talk to them in a disciplinary way for "months"?!

I've been with my partner for a decade. His children were those ages when we met. I have NEVER considered them my step kids because they were young adults when I met them.

OP you've fallen hard and you've fallen fast. But you've been wearing rose tinted spectacles and now they've come off. Apart from their behviour - which is totally unacceptable - can you really feel the same for a woman who has been such a poor parent that her kids have grown up to be like that? It says something about who she is, and is that something you want long term?

She has to carry the consequences of her (lack of) parenting. You don't. Stop holding on to any romantic idea of her and look at the reality. She won't change and neither will her adult kids.

I would echo the question- where are your own kids in all of this and where do they sleep when they come to stay with you? Surely that should be what you're focusing on rather than a new woman?

I don’t think you should challenge her adult DC’s behaviour - she should be parenting them. You are not their dad or stepdad. She has failed as a parent and I’m not impressed with her expectation of you. It seems she is a taker - please stop giving. Date her for fun or move on and find someone better.

Agree. OP you sound like a good, kind and decent man, but you will just be used and taken advantage of in this relationship. Better you leave now and look for someone without baggage, which will be hard at your time of life. Those children sound like an absolute nightmare. Their behaviour is intolerable. She has made a rod for her own back. Why do parents allow this? No one will want to take her on, understandably!

She's their mother she should be challenging them - not you quite honestly it's too late she's made a really bad job of bringing them up to take responsibility

She should have been the one to have challenged their behaviour; was she waiting for someone to come in and do something that she should have done? If their mother can’t put in the effort to make changes, why should you.
Step right back and just go on dates or whatever, but don’t get involved with her two adult children; it’s her job not yours.

Please tell me that after only 8 months you haven't been taking your children to her house?