Heartbroken - Step Kids

[Landshark01]

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

They're not your step kids they're the adult sons of a woman you've been seeing less than a year.
If she's your 'whole world' then your priorities are all wrong.
No you should not be confronting them directly as she apparently thinks you should. It's their home, and although their behaviour sounds awful, they're grown ups and you have no authority you're just their mums new boyfriend it's not your place to parent them where she's failed.
You paying for renovations is simply ridiculous at this stage in a new relationship.

I'd suggest you invest your time and money in your own children who are actually still children. Make them your whole world instead of your new girlfriend. If an adult man actually wrote this it's pathetic.i

Honestly take a step back - would she be so keen to share her world with you if you weren't planning to contribute financially? Focus on your own kids and leave her to sort out her own - if she lets them get away with it that's her business but it wouldn't attract me to her as a partner.

It's not your place, in any way, to comment on your partner's parenting or to try to parent her adult dc.

If you can't deal with that, don't have a relationship with her. Especially don't try to come between her and her dc.

It sounds like you've come into this family's life, judged them as wanting and inserted yourself to try to change their family. Suggesting she kicks out her dc is absolutely outrageous tbh.

To give you some insight, I have a relative like this, moved a new man in when her 2 kids were about the same age, and they are exactly the same, one of them works but the other likely never will, neither drive or ever go anywhere so are in the house ALL the time, it's now been 10 years since he moved in and none of them seem to enjoy each others company, both sides resent each other, yet are now all stuck together.

Ultimately, my relative (and your girlfriend) has bought them up that way, she has no interest in helping them progress, or making them do anything they don't want to do, chances are they will never leave home as they have it very comfortable there.

You going in and laying down the law and thinking you can save them from themselves is just, quite frankly, ridiculous.. none of it is anything to do with you in the slightest, the only reason she wanted you to approach them is because she has no intention of (or is too weak of a parent) to do it herself, maybe she thought it would work? .. it didn't work, it never will work, they will hate you for interfering, she will resent you for not accepting what was plain as day before you moved in.

Hope that helps your decision making process.

It's sad that you describe her as your 'whole world' when you have two children. Where do they stay? You write like a teenager and seem to have moved in with this woman out of convenience. Now you want to throw her sons out because they are annoying you. Hopefully she has seen through your manipulations and won't be contacting you again.

You need to concentrate on your own children and finding your own place to live.

Who the hell do you think you are ? They are not your step children. Do you think you are the big "man of the house" How dare you walk into a womans life and start "peacocking" no wonder she is fed up with you.

It’s way too short of a time to be getting this involved with her children or housing situation.

The way you’ve phrased this that she’s your “whole world” and asking if she would ever prioritise you over her children is just weird tbh. You have children and she has children - they should be your priorities not a partner of 8months.

She sounds like a rubbish enabling parent and you sound controlling. Call it quits.

These are adults but it also is the established norm you're walking into. Wither you have to accept it or walk away. Mom's new paelrtner of few months can't walk in and start parenting adult children. Also your partner shouldn't expect you to. All thia is way too much, way too soon and also just not appropriate cause everyone is adult.
The children's behaviour is soemthing I wouldn't tolerate either so either I wouldn't date their mother or I would take the relationship elsewhere and not be involved with the household.

You have dodged a bullet by leaving.

I foolishly had TEN years of this with my ex. His DD was and continues to be ridiculously dependent (including financially) even though she is now in her 40s and has children of her own.

I thank god that I disentangled myself and obviously wish I'd seen the light much, much sooner.

Leave it and them to it.

You can have a relationship without living together you know.

This cant be real!! 8 months and you are essentially controlling a woman and her children . Well trying too.
Back off ! Stop demanding anything .
You are a walking red flag .
So all would be good if she kicked them out and you can live together and her life and relationships with her children go by your rules . Not normal at all

You've been love bombed, this woman is a dysfunctional/narcissistic / nutjob, you just can't see it because she has love bombed you, dazzled you etc.
RUN ⚠️➡️

Lol. Far more likely he's the love bomber. He's a walking red flag

8 months in and not only are you expecting her to prioritise you, you're trying to control how she manages her relationship with her adult DC? That sounds a bit crazy. If I was the woman it would be raising red flags and I'd be ending the relationship. You're way to involved.
At this stage you should be enjoying each other's company and getting to know each other. If I was you at this point I'd be deciding it wasn't the relationship for me, not talking of buying into a house and trying to control her relationship with her DC.

There are some massive red flags here. She thinks you should be challenging their behaviour direct? Fuck no, that's her job - from ten years ago - or perhaps something you'd do together if had decided to commit to a blended family and they were still little kids. You would be setting yourself up to be blamed for their failure to launch.

If your departure was a complete surprise (and, it sounds like, disappointment) then they simply do not see anything wrong with their behaviour or the connection between the two, and I'd seriously wonder if they ever would.

You clearly have your own set of values and standards, and I presume you want to preserve them for your own children. This woman might be perfect for you, but as matters currently stand you're taking these young adults on too, and you're simply incompatible with that commitment. I'd walk away but make it clear that it's the whole situation, not her. You're not punishing her, but declining a situation that in the normal course of events should change in the next few years.

I am also male, and I was their sort of age when my father started dating again (admittedly not living at home). It didn't matter whether or not I liked the woman: this wasn't my life and my first duty was to my father's happiness. Since I became an adult I've always had the FIFO approach to my parents and siblings. FIFO is not "first in first out", it's "fit in or... don't". Calling the shots is for my own life, not theirs.

So you moved in extremely quickly, tried to control everyone and everything in their own homes, suggested her kids MOVE OUT because they were pissing you off, and then sulkily moved out again because everyone didn't all fall in line with the way you wanted things.

And now you're using your decision to leave to try to emotionally blackmail your ex into "putting you first", ie. fucking over her kids to please you.

You are a walking red flag. I hope she stays well away.

“Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first.”

To put it bluntly, yes. You can’t change their family dynamic. If it’s unacceptable to you, then she’s not the right person for you. They will always come first, as they should even if they’re lazy pains in the arse.

After only 8 months you shouldn't be involving yourself with her dog let alone her adult kids

Sounds like he's the one doing the bombing. He's certainly the one trying to become number 1 after five minutes and exert control on the household.

They sound awful, she sounds spineless and enabling and he sounds like a 90mph bulldozer. She and her kids are the existing unit though, so he's the one who needs to get out rather than trying to manage and turf them. Who does he think he is?

@Landshark01 Kindly, no relationship should be your ‘whole world’, especially if you have children. Your children should always be your priority, as clearly hers are to her. It sounds like you’re a good person but you and her aren’t a good match, at least for now. You weren’t wrong but you tried, it didn’t work. I’d get on with your life, have fun and make a life you’re happy with so any new person that comes into it is a joyful addition, not the centre.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well

I would run the other way if someone I had been seeing for only 8m, wrote this.

Also, they are not your step-kids, they are the adult sons of a woman you are dating.

In any case, the sons sound like layabouts with few real prospects. Their mother hasn't parented effectively and nothing is going to change at their ages. I wouldn't be involving myself further with this set up.

You aren't really heartbroken, so stop with the dramatics and move on.

I disagree that 8 months is nothing. My DH moved in with me at the 8 month mark. That was 17 years ago!

Op has seen what the kids are like, and that puts a huge dampener on how they can move forward. It doesn't look like the kids will be getting jobs or moving on soon, which is frustrating.

My kids went off to Uni at 17 & 18, and after that they got jobs and their own homes. I could not handle this situation at all!

Op, I think you need to date her, but live separately until the kids leave home.

Not if he’s a cocklodger he can’t.

OP, focus on providing a stable home to see your own children in. Even if they aren’t “your world” while your girlfriend of a few months is, they actually need you to parent them. These adult sons do not need you.

If you read my post again I said this should be from her, not him. Its what I would do as a mother if my kids were ungrateful lazy adults.

It's not his job to parent her children - but it is hers and obviously she's letting them away with it