Heartbroken - Step Kids

[Landshark01]

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

You are 8 months in the relationship. From what you say you are way way way overstepping the mark. In many relationships you would not have even met the kids at the eight month mark. Equally you should not be investing in her new house etc. Nor should you be living in her house knocking on her kids bedroom doors, telling them to apply for jobs etc.

You may be well meaning but you are behaving totally wrong in an 8 month relationship.

WOW - very judgemental

She’s the one who has dodged a bullet here

8 months in and you’re wanting to rule the roost here … her kids are not your concern and I’m amazed you think you should have a say

clearly this isn’t the relationship for you, but your boundaries are really off

Honestly your OP sounds ridiculous and I don't even mean it in a nasty way. You don't have step kids to be heartbroken over, they are your girlfriend of 8 months kids. Most people haven't introduced kids at this point. No where in any of this amazing new life have you mentioned your DC, that's very telling.

It's not hard to avoid if you are dating their mum and only see her at restaurants, parks, cinemas, cafes and your house.

Don't go anywhere near your girlfriend's children's bedrooms then you won't see how messy they are

And they aren't your step kids. Don't get heartbroken over the kids of someone you have been dating for 8 months.

You’ve been in a relationship with this person for 8 months and you’re talking about investing in her new home. You’ve moved way too quickly and now you’re being burnt.

Her kids are grown adults and she isn’t going to change the way she treats them or expects them to treat her home now. You are fighting a losing battle by expecting things to change. If she doesn’t see it or want it, it’s pointless and even if she did want them to change, she’s let them live like this for so long that they probably won’t change.

Walk away or continue to date but not live in her home. It’s not fair to drag your own kids into this hostile situation.

It's a relationship of 8 months and you are trying to "parent" 2 adults.

This is crazy.

You should not have moved in, so moving out is 100% the right thing to do.

If this woman is your soul mate, then continue in a relationship with her - go on dates, holidays, stay over etc. But don't live with her and her adult DC's.

If she is your soul mate you have your whole lives ahead of you to live together once her adult DC (and let's not forget yours) are fledged.

Have your kids been staying over at her house with her and her adult DC as well?

Why have you even met let alone tried to discipline adult children of a woman you've been with 8 months?

She feels that I should be challenging their behaviour direct rather than waiting until we are together and moaning about it.

Well that was never going to work. A new man in the house directly challenging the behaviour of a couple of young men in their own home? Your girlfriend was being entirely unrealistic.

This^^!
You sound weak to me.
Be your own man.
Stay away from her kids & home.
Date her properly, take her out, invite around to yours.
8 months is nothing.

Personally I would turn the internet off in the house and on their mobiles (I presume she is still paying for the mobiles also?). You want the internet, you pull your weight, simple as. But this should be coming from her, not you.

Were you living together? It's also not a good role model for your DC as if they see them getting away with it then why can't they.

The 22 yr old if not working should be claiming UC and contributing towards the household instead of mum bankrolling everything.

They're not your step kids. It's not your house. It's not your business.

Why are you involving yourself in anything here?

8 months!!!! This is reading like a teenager writing this. You need to chill out. Far too invested.

Wow, a couple of late teen, early 20's boys who don't bleach their showers or hoover.

I have 2 boys who are lovely and thoughtful. There are plates everywhere, they never bleach their showers or hoover. It seems to be a thing men just can't do. I'm pretty sure they will both turn out to be fabulous.

I also know quite a few 18 year olds and 22 year olds really, really struggling to find work.

At the end of the day this may be a short period of time where those 2 boys get their act together, or they may turn out to be a pair of losers. Either way, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

There is no way I would have a MAN (except their dad) telling me what to do with my beloved boys no matter what they are doing. It's not your place to be policing what they do, if they work, how they tidy their rooms and quite frankly at some point you would've ended up in a massive argument with them over your interference.

Sounds like she has a couple of lazy man childs, but she has also dodged a bullet. You sound overbearing, interfering and high maintenance.

You aren’t going to change how someone else parents their own children. You should give up and move on.

If OP did that in my house, my boys would tell me that he wasn't their dad, that they didn't want to be in the house with him and they wanted to go stay with their dad. They would ask me why I had inflicted him on them.

At which point I would immediately ask OP to leave as if I had to choose between my DC and a man, there really is no contest and TBH more people on this website should put their DC first before some bloke they are sleeping with.

Absolutely. How can she be your "entire world" when you have children of your own? It sounds like you've been love bombing yourself!

Reality luckily is kicking in before you become financially entangled.

I doubt the kids are very impressed with the idea of mums new bloke moving in but that sounds like it's a bridge you have wisely decided not to cross.

They aren't your step kids.
It isn't your house.
You shouldn't be living there.

Pull back, you've massively overstepped and are rushing things. After just 8 months you should barely know them, you definitely shouldn't be complaining about their lifestyle to their mum.

Date this women like a normal person, stop rushing things and give some consideration to your own children.

Regardless of your intentions you have no rights here to demand anything of this womans family and living arrangements. Move on..

You sound like a sulker. Last thing that woman needs is another man child. You e only known her 8 months. Get a partner without kids.

You're moving much much too fast - 8 months! - and however awful and adult they are, they are her kids and so no, you will never "come first", nor should you and nor should you expect to. They are probably awful apart from that, they sound it, but I'm not surprised they are resistant to the guy who's been their mum's boyfriend for less time than it takes to gestate a baby and now wants to "come first" and kick them out to their dad's.

I think after such a short time you need to step back a bit. They are still young adults (one still a teenager) .Obv all children should be helping in the house, but simply some dont and it's difficult to make them!In any case not your circus not your monkeys. Maybe have a break for a while, and spend time with your own boys ,go out with mates and so on.Often we jump into another RL before we are ready

Your values are way too far apart

It's sad but ending it is the only way

That would be so unfair on your children

What examples would her kids be to them? And you looking like you condoned it!

You are only 8 months into this relationship, and way too invested. I understand you want to build a friendly relationship with your partner's two sons, but involving yourself in job applications, advising her on her parenting decisions, the mess/chaos in the house - it's simply not your place.

I absolutely understand how frustrating it is, because as an outsider, you can see the mistakes your partner is making. However, she's not prepared to help herself, by laying the law down to her son's. She should be parenting her own children, helping them navigate job applications, encouraging them to learn to drive, work part-time etc. She isn't doing these things though, and it's not your responsibility to do it for her!

You may be compatible as people but your parenting attitudes and overall values/priorities are poles apart. You sound a proactive person, whereas your partner isn't and just leaves her son's to get on with it. There's a distinct possibility your partner is lax in other areas as well (ones you probably don't know about yet!). Long-term the relationship isn't going to work. Recognise that, and step away from the relationship.