Heartbroken - Step Kids

[Landshark01]

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

Tricky one. After 8 months l wouldn’t be expecting my boyfriend to comment or interfere in my parenting. But on the flip side, her parenting doesn’t sound especially great. If she isn’t careful then this will go on for years and years. Personally I l wouldn’t be chasing around after children that age or subsiding their idleness

Did your DH already have two children when he moved in with you after 8 months?

Woman are dragged up and down MN every day for dating to date when they have children, let alone have a new man live with them. They’re told every day to prioritise their kids. That you shouldn’t blend families so quickly, that you should have dated someone at least a year before even introducing the to your children.

Why is this OP perfectly okay to move in with his new GF? When does he see his own children? Does he take them to stay at her house? And how is this healthy for his own 11 and 15 year old sons, exactly?

Get your own place and just go on dates. Blending all these children is going to be impossible. I guarantee everyone involved would be happier that way

As others said, too soon for you to be involved but those boys seem likely to still be gaming in their bedrooms in another decade if their mother doesn't tackle it. Showers and hoovering isn't that important with young men, though nice, but moving forward to employment is .

My DH moved in with me at the 8 month mark. That was 17 years ago!

Glad it worked out for you, but it's inadvisable - there's a reason you're using the 17 years and not the 8 months as the benchmark of proven success. And I am assuming that when he moved in, he didn't start demanding to come first over your children, trying to manage and control a existing family unit and suggesting your kids move out...

Why are you in their rooms? None of your business.

Oh, please 🙄
8 mths in and she is your "whole world"? And you've already moved in. How do your kids feel about now having to stay at some random womans house with her adult kids if they want to spend any nights with you?

You don't have "stepkids" btw. Your gf has children and you're the bloke she's moved in 🤷‍♀️

OP, where were you living before you moved in there?

You sound decent, you need to step away and say to her that whilst you do care for her you cannot get involved with the situation how it is, I’ve been through this stage (and with a step daughter who moved in with us) it’s not easy but there needs to be a baseline understanding of household responsibilities and they need a life plan before getting involved again.

in my case I and my now dh managed to get dsd into work, carrot and stick approach, few false starts but now I’m a career path moved out with her partner and is happy. My dd games so I get that, a few years ago now and after a few months of playing along and gentle persuasion she returned to university, now left home and married. You step carefully with blended families but both of you need to agree

I’ve re-read this many times. You are a massive red flag.

She has not put the effort into parenting them and this is the result. The penny will eventually drop with her when they are late twenties and still sponging off her.

You are trying to do whats best for them contrary to some of the responses you are getting (probably from career benefits claimants). But the mother cannot see how will end up long term.

Leave and do not look back.

Did you both have kids ?

Step back. It’s been 8mths

no need to be investing in her home

Not your house and not your children = not your business.

Seriously.

I have an 18yo. On paper it looks like they do fuck all, their room is a pit. But if anyone - friend, relative, lover - dared to tell me how I should parent them or tried to go above me and tell them how they should behave in their own home? Absolutely not. No way. I don’t care how decent or honourable your intentions, you aren’t my boss and it’s not your place.

You can ask ‘is there anything you would like my support with?’ Or ‘can I help at all?’ But you don’t come in swinging your dick and dictating what happens in my house. The only exception is if there were serious safeguarding concerns with children.

And yes. I would choose my kid every single time.

You can still be in a relationship with the mun, just dont move in again until the kids move out. Maybe they never will so you might be wasting your time. They are happy as they are and you are not going to change them all. Either move on or have a relationship where you live separately.

Yeah I wouldn't be putting up with that shit from a partner, their kids or my own kids! Bonkers. As he's enabling their waster life styles. They'll never grow up. You are best out of there.

You are talking about investing in a home with her and how there would be space for your children. Does that mean you have introduced your own children to this woman after only 8 months? They should barely even be aware of your dating life for a relationship that short.

Instead of worrying about parenting some other person’s children, you should be worried about parenting your own. She isn’t a particularly good parent. You can’t change that. What you can change is how you handle yourself.

I’ll be honest, you’re a meal ticket here for them, someone to invest in the house? Paying for things, walk away before you get rinsed xx

Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work

Why though? No one asked you to do any of that. Chauffeur your own kids, buy them stuff, parent them. These two adults never asked for you to move in and start bossing them around.

Their mother is clearly very ineffective and doesn’t care that they’re failing to launch, maybe she likes them dependent and childlike. So why did you think you’d get anywhere trying to change any of them? The ego of it is mind boggling.

You’ve got your own kids, they should be your world and the focus of your efforts and investment. They don’t even seem to stay with you overnight, why is that?

On one hand you’re breathtakingly naive, on the other you’re controlling, stroppy and extremely unreasonable. Grow up before you try and date again.

Run. She won’t change. Her boys are damaged beyond belief. My kids are 23 and 20 and nothing like you’ve posted. Plus she isn’t your whole world at 8 months.

These are not the step kids you are looking for.

As your youngest is 11, I would say you should live in separate houses and simply date for 10 years, then when both your boys have left home or gone to uni, you and the new woman can buy a place together for just the two of you, leaving her son's to make their own living arrangements (assuming they haven't left her home by then).
If she really is the one for you, you can date and maintain separate houses and make it work. She can always stay over at yours when your boys are at their mother's house.
As you are finding, it can be a disaster trying to bring new partners into an existing family home.

You sound very controlling. The adult kids are not your concern. If you don’t like the way the household is run you should not be staying there. If you don’t like how your partner parents her children then you should probably be ending the relationship as it isn’t going to change any time soon.

@Hoppinggreen your partner has raised these boys to become the adults they are. Do you see that?

You cannot parent two adults and nor should you be trying to! Especially when your partner facilities their behaviour by not having clear expectations of what they need to do if they are to remain in the home.

And as a side note - if some random arrived into my life at the age of 22 after 8 months of dating my mum and tried to tell me what to do... well I wouldn't be doing any of it.

Sorry but your partner is a lazy useless parent who thinks a bloke she’s been dating for a few months should be stepping up as a step father to two adults - fuck that shit.

If you were listing as a woman about a bloke everyone would be screaming ‘nanny with a fanny’ and telling you to end it. The fact the roles are reversed makes no difference. Way too much too soon. The fact it appears that you’ve moved in with her already means you’ve rushed in headfirst without knowing the lie of the land

After less than a year they are not your step kids, they are the adult offspring of a woman you’re dating.

What about you own kids in this set up? They are your priority not this woman and her feckless adult offspring. Think you’ve allowed your sex life to rule your brain.