Heartbroken - Step Kids

[Landshark01]

Hi all,

My first post here - very much a browser historically, Hope I'm allowed to ask your advice and will be good to get an outsider perspective on things.

I'm a 42 Year old father of two boys from my previous marriage, 11 and 15 - everything is amicable between my ex wife and I and the processes are underway and being handled. We handle the care of the children between us and overall, things are ok.

8 months ago, I got into a new relationship with a lady who was and is my whole world and everything seemed to be progressing well. She has two children from her previous marriage who are 18 and 22.
As a relationship between me and her things are amazing and we truly were like soulmates, wanting, liking and enjoying the same things.......until it comes to her adult children.

Neither of them work and only one of them goes to college part time (not through actual interest, just to buy time I think)
They do nothing in the house (well, occasionally manage to wash a couple of plates and than leave them for someone else to put away) but never clean their showers, rubbish all over their bedroom floors with cold food, toilets never bleached, no hoovering, the list goes on but you get the idea.....

We have come home before to find the house unlocked, where they just go out, there is zero common sense. Whilst I have been there, I have applied for jobs for them, chauffered them around, tried to build a bond, brought them stuff to help them out like toiletries, food etc, encouraged their driving lessons and managed to gain one of them an extra qualification to try assist in finding work. There is never a Thank you or any appreciation, it is constant take.

They both spend their entire days gaming (0900-0000) only coming downstairs to collect their dinners and even when pressured spend 20 mins going through job websites clicking on the links and filling out contact details - to me that's not enough effort.

Their mum is still paying for all their household costs of living, including food (their consumption of which is crazy!) haircuts....you name it and they both still manage to afford to vape? not sure how....

I have tried to discuss this to their Mum over months and weve had chats to them but it never goes in and she simply wont stick to a robust line with them - To admit my fault, when really frustrated I've suggested kicking them out to their Dads (which they rarely see) and she has always said thatll never happen.

Its got to a stage now where I've left the address, we aren't contacting each other because this whole situation has come between us and quite frankly the boys don't care anyway - She has said that she cant change or Police them to what I feel is right and as it frustrates me its best I'm not there. I dont know what to do and if to contact her.

Is she always going to prioritise them, am I wasting my time thinking ill ever come first. Shes just brought a new home which I was supposed to be investing in to but I refused to go putting kitchens, windows etc into a house to have no care or respect given to it.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this just how 22 year olds are now? Please help - im broken hearted

8 months in having these problems is a massive red flag and time to walk away.
She is not going to change and you will get more frustrated.
She is a lazy parent by saying you should bring the issue to her children directly, she doesn't want to change and as a parent that is her choice.
8 months is such a small amount of time, leave them too it, move forward and by easter you will feel fine!

She should not be "your whole world" when you have your own children. You should NEVER be her priority when she has her own children.

Your poor kids. I hope your dexw has most of the time and a good financial input from you, because you have clearly given no thought to them having a home (as opposed to somewhere to sleep) with you.

You say there “would be” space for your kids to stay “if that was needed”.

Does that mean your kids haven’t stayed there up until now? If not why not?

Your mistake is getting into a relationship you're not happy in and thinking you can change it after the fact. You cannot "fix" 22 years of poor parenting and you cannot walk in and start playing Daddy to two adults after knowing their Mum for 8 months. What you see is what you get, and that's not going to change unless they want it to- and it appears the 3 of them are fine with things how they are. This is not the right relationship for you.

PPs suggesting dating her are talking nonsense. This is just going round in a long winded circle before ending up back where you are now and just as miserable.

Eight months in and you’re suggesting kicking her children out you are the red flag, mate

Your new girlfriend is "your whole life". Your poor kids. That's so sad.
You've been together 8 months and you're asking if you'll ever come first? If she's a good mum, then no - you won't ever come before her kids.
No parent should ever prioritise a partner over their own children. They should always come first.

This!!!

She's been parenting them her whole life. You waltz in for 8 months and expect to have the same parenting rights?!?

As a divorced mother with a teenager, my kid ALWAYS comes before any man. If a man doesn't get in with my kid, he has to go.

You’re over invested, how she parents is none of your business and given they are now adults she can either keep bankrolling them and being a general doormat or do something about it and that can only come from her. No amount of moaning or cajoling will make a person who doesn’t want the same things as you do those things.

Walk away, regardless of how you say you feel about her it’s not the right relationship for you, there has to be some compromises in any relationship and more when there’s kids involved. It’s really not for you to tell her after 8 months what she needs to be doing regarding her adult children.

Let it go and invest more time in the things that are within your control.

You wouldn’t have met my kids at 8mths, let alone be living in my house!
Why can’t you dial back and have her stay the night at yours a couple of nights a week, then you wont have to see her kids and their messy rooms.
(Or haven’t you got a house and the free accommodation is part of the appeal…)

Walk away from this one!
She will always prioritise her children over you.
She refuses to control and discipline her children and shouldn't try to delegate that function to you.
If you invest financially in her house you may as well kiss your money goodbye.
Walk now and find someone else!

This is SHOCKING! And by that I mean yours and your ex girlfriend’s behaviour. Abhorrent parenting to have moved so quickly and be telling her kids what they should and shouldn’t be doing. You shouldn’t have even met them yet. And - you’re 42?!? And haven’t learnt yet that the first year or two of any relationship is the honeymoon period where the sex is so exciting, no brain work happens? You didn’t know anything about her yet, so to describe her as ‘your world’ us beyond childish.

You want your girlfriend of 8 months to kick out her kids and prioritise you over them? For her sake, leave.

It sounds like she really reeled you in. Asking you to invest in her property, parenting her children directly that she clearly has been too lazy to do. You've had a narrow escape to be frank.

This.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but they are not "kids". They are lazy, entitled adults. Unfortunately if their Mum isn't prepared to set some house rules in place, it's never going to work unless you live apart

This whole situation sounds very messy. Blended families take time to bring together, your not on the same page as this women for parenting and your also co-parenting with your ex who presumably has a different style to your partner.

A way forward would take change from both of you and goes beyond just being in love with each other.

A lot of schools are off today due to the storm.

You say you are soul mates but you’re clearly not. You’re about as opposite as it’s possible to be in terms of parenting values, which tend to be representative of underlying values and attitudes as it is. At 8 months in I think you’ve been swept up by the romance of it all and now reality is starting to intrude hard.

Even when these adult children leave home I guarantee their mother’s parenting will be a source of friction between you.

Honestly, I’d call it quits and move on. She will not change and neither will they, and while I think her parenting sounds terrible, you need to consider that as her boyfriend of a mere 8 months, you have absolutely no right to expect any change.

As a step parent to similar age adult children, take a massive step back. I've been married to DH for 8 years. The oldest DSS is now 30 something, lives in the USA and never speaks to me (his choice) the younger dss is now 30, I've had 8 years of what you describe (big difference being his mum died so there is no alternative parent) and it all came to a head recently and he's moved into a flat share.
Unless you're willing to ignore 99% of the behaviours for a very long time, then you're best not living with this new partner. She won't move to see your point of view just because you're living there and it will put pressure on your own children you definitely don't need (my ds was 16 when I married DH and he had to put up with the behaviours from the dss) I'm not saying it can't work out, but view it as a relationship only at this point. They're not your responsibility.

8 months! You shouldn't be living there.yet really.

Look, I understand you wanting to help but really you need to focus on your own children.

Why do you want the whole serious relationship/life thing anyway? Why can't you just live apart and date, have a relationship without any of the hassle?

If anything, you should see it as a lesson on how to steer your own boys though their teens and into being productive adults. It's too late for hers. They'll have to grow up on their own

@Landshark01 sorry to say she will always prioritise these adult children. She is actively enabling their self centred behaviour and attitude and that is her choice.
Nothing will change unless and until they move out and become independent. Could be a very long wait so suggest you draw a line and move on.

I knew someone in extremely similar circumstances.

Female partner with two older sons, both babied by the mother. She was a permissive parent.

Male partner had two younger daughters. He was an authoritative parent. Very proactive.

When he moved in, he also had a problems with the young adults males….not acting like adults and not respecting their mother.

The male is the sort of type to always push through and get his way; however, it didn’t work out this time.

It just lead to arguments with the sons, with the partner. Also didn’t help that he compared his two well behaved daughters to the sons. He wasn’t wrong….but that argument was never going to get him anywhere.

So what happened? They broke up and he moved out. After a couple of months they started seeing each other again but didn’t move in together. She visited his home, not the other way about.

In this situation, there was no plans to have future kids etc, so not living together wasnt the end of the world.

They did this for 5 years until the youngest son was 23. They then bought a house together and the son got a flat.

So you might have to play the long game.

Her relationship with her kids is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

You shouldn’t be trying to fix it or them. You are being very unreasonable imo

How can you say you’re a father of two but this woman you’ve been dating 8 months is your “whole world” ?

Any woman talking like that here would be getting flamed. Focus on your own children, OP. These are not your step children.