Terrible daughter or terrible mother?

[Tryandtryagain02]

Hi, I have three children, work full time and like a lot of families have a very little disposible income after bills etc. Anyway, work gave me a £50 one4all voucher as they do every year for Xmas and the last two years I've given it to my mum as I don't have much money. This evening, she text me saying she couldn't order a lamp from Next as they don't take that gift card, her exact text is as follows:

Is the gift card you gave me one4all, your gift card from your work for Christmas? Because I asked you for a next gift card to buy the lamp and it doesn't allow me to use it in next? Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

So I sent her £50 and said I'll take the gift card back and that she knows I don't have much money and to stop looking for an argument. She said shes ashamed of me and that I use her (she looks after my 2 yr old on a wednesday). I haven't replied. Is this thoughtless and unfair?

Given that she helps you out with childcare year round I would have tried to give her the Next gift card she asked for (or at least checked that she could use the one you gave her in Next). It does seem a bit thoughtless tbh.

I think her text is a little OTT though.

Hmmm I was with you until you said she has your two year old every Wednesday. Yes, I think you should have got her a proper present, she's saving you hundreds a month.

does she know how tight money is? I think in future use the £50 even if it's towards household stuff and send her a £20 gift card for wherever she wants

I would have got her the next voucher that she asked for and used the work voucher to buy stuff for the children instead.

It sounds like she is saving you a lot of money by doing free childcare so it would have been nice to make at least a bit of an effort with her present. That said, she was quite rude to raise it imo.

In my mind if your mother knows the financial situation your in she should be asking for a gift at all!!!

any loving parent would say “oh don’t worry bout that darling, I can see your struggling”

and being together is enough!

I think your DD is rude. Someone looking after your child every single week even once is a huge favour. How old are your other kids? Why is money so tight right now.

I think the word "ashamed" isn't the correct word and for her to say that there sounds like a huge back story. Maybe your DD feels like you take her for granted? Does she not need to be at work herself on a Wednesday OP?

Oh go and read the post properly

I’d be looking for alternative childcare as my first priority. You don’t want to be beholden to someone who will use it against you.

What a nasty message. I feel very sad for you.

whether she looks after your child or not you aren’t to be spoken to like that, you did your best.

Don’t reply to that. Less is more as they say. I can see both sides but I wouldn’t have my Mum speak to me like that and in turn I wouldn’t speak to her like it either.

@Tryandtryagain02 your mother is an entitled cow. One days childcare doesn't mean you can behave like a bitch.
I did two days a week and didn't expect anything.

I can see both sides. However does she know how skint you are?

So she looks after your dd every Wednesday, saving you what £80 each time, and you didn’t buy her a Xmas present, just regifted something you got?
that’s really off op.
her message wasn’t good, but I’m not surprised she’s feeling taken advantage of.
if you’ve got no money, the best thing to do is make something, rather than regift, especially when she knows it’s a regift!

I think you might find that she will be saying no to the childcare soon, and tbf, she has a point.

Yes she’s saving you money on childcare, but that’s no excuse to speak/text you in that way. I’d never treat my daughter like that. If I’m helping her, I’m doing it because I want to help her. Some grandparents do “free” childcare but it’s not free. My parents helped me once a week for a brief period, I was getting divorced and things were a nightmare. They took the chance to put the boot in whenever they could, not realising that when I no longer needed them, there was very little relationship left.

I think the message is grabby and ungrateful. The ‘ashamed’ comment is pure nasty emotional manipulation. I’d rethink the Wednesday arrangement if you can. Who’d want their dd being brought up around those values?

Sorry I mixed OP up for the mother. Her mother was rude yes. However someone looking after your child each week is a huge favour even if it is your mother don't you think?

What would OP do if her mum didnt or could no longer do childcare on a Wednesday? It works both ways I'm afraid.

Shes going crazy over a £50 voucher I gave her that didn't suit. Can you imagine if I made her something? Ridiculous idea.

Saying that my mother would never speak to me like that, bloody awful texts. She’s could have just said she feels hurt or politely asked to swap the voucher for cash. No need to be a bitch.

I think in past years it was ok but this year if she specifically asked for a Next one you should have bought her that and used the one 4 all to get stuff for other people or food instead.
She saves you quite a lot in childcare so it is a bit mean not to buy her a gift.
The message she sent is unnecessary though, just nasty

I think any adult doing the 'but I asked for THIS and you didn't get it for me! Waa waa' is being a wee bit over demanding. Unless you'd promised her a Next voucher of course, but nobody ever died for lack of a Next lamp fgs. If she knows you're hard up and sacrificing a gift voucher that you could use for yourself or your kids, I think she's being a stroppy mare. Yes, she looks after your child but presumably it's not some transactional deal.

I think it depends what you mean by short of money are you genuinely short of money or are you one of these people who earns 100k a year and priorities your money on other things and other people and your mum is always an after thought when she does so much for you.

1. i have no idea how she would feel about a home made gift. I got some delicious shortbread in my name with love hearts this Christmas from a friend and thought it was lovely. So your response is unpleasant.
2. you didn’t say she was going crazy in your op. You said she said she felt used and worthless.

I think its quite clear that because I didn't gift her the exact gift card she asked for it made her incredibly annoyed and therefore she definitely wouldn't appreciate something homemade. And imo texting their daughter to say they're ashamed of them over not gifting the correct gift card isn't dramatic and 'crazy' then please correct me.

I see the apple did not fall far from the tree

I think people who get free childcare from a family member they trust have no idea how lucky they are.