Terrible daughter or terrible mother?

[Tryandtryagain02]

Hi, I have three children, work full time and like a lot of families have a very little disposible income after bills etc. Anyway, work gave me a £50 one4all voucher as they do every year for Xmas and the last two years I've given it to my mum as I don't have much money. This evening, she text me saying she couldn't order a lamp from Next as they don't take that gift card, her exact text is as follows:

Is the gift card you gave me one4all, your gift card from your work for Christmas? Because I asked you for a next gift card to buy the lamp and it doesn't allow me to use it in next? Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

So I sent her £50 and said I'll take the gift card back and that she knows I don't have much money and to stop looking for an argument. She said shes ashamed of me and that I use her (she looks after my 2 yr old on a wednesday). I haven't replied. Is this thoughtless and unfair?

Absolutely not. Maybe context would suffice.. I couldn't afford anything for her birthday in August and I explained this and that I would make it up to her but I bought her a card and told her I would make it up to her. But she only text me then too with a similar message.

I know how lucky I am, if i didn't I wouldn't be posting this in the first place. I'm very grateful that she cares for my daughter but I'm not in a place to buy her a £50 gift card.

So what did you do since August to make up for not getting her a birthday present?

It’s clear that you’re stressed.
I don’t think it’s crazy, no, to expect some appreciation for what she’s doing.
you are very quick to vilify her for her language, whilst not taking any accountability for your own actions which led to said language.

Are you actually proper skint , or do you have other (maybe seen as frivolous) priorities?

If the first, it’s a shitty message to send, especially if she knows you’re struggling. I bet that £50 would’ve made your life easier in your pocket.

If the second, I can see her point, however, there are more adult and reasonable ways to get that point across.

We went to the garden centre and had lunch, she doesn't drive so I drove her to the dentist and waited an hour with my 2 year old whilst her and my brother went in. I lent her £100 for a plumber until she could pay me back. I said I would change her elderly mother-in-law on Xmas day if she has an accident as she has dementia because she didn't feel confident doing it.

You know how lucky you are but you didn’t get her anything for her Birthday either? No wonder she’s pissed.

It feels like there’s a lot more to the story here as going from giving someone a £50 voucher to that person then being ashamed of you seems like a massive leap

I'd be interested to hear your mother's version of events. Out of interest, what did you give your DH and DCs for Christmas? She's doing you a big favour and I think you should have bought her the lamp or given her the money for the lamp. Especially after you let her down on her birthday.

if op had got a £50 cash gift off work and given that to her mother, would that have been ok? ultimately she gave her a gift worth £50. it wasn't like it was half used

Ok, those were nice of you. But it sounds like she is on the bones of her arse too here, so you could maybe cut each other some slack. She is doing you a massive favour which sounds like it’s vital. It isn’t unreasonable of her if she wanted a lamp from next to ask for it for Xmas, and be upset that you didn’t get it for her, given all she does for you. If you couldn’t afford it, then an explanation of that would have been nicer than a regift you knew she couldn’t use.

You sent your mum a freebie no wonder she is annoyed is she really not worth a lamp from Next ?

Do you generally have a difficult relationship with her?

In return she didn't buy me anything for my birthday, which is fair, but I didn't feel the need to text her. Why does my love or respect have to be proven through money?

Yes an explanation would've been helpful but her reaction would have been the same.

At times yes.

1. Her text is rude. It’s the pathetic sort of thing a child would say, “I asked you for xxx but you didn’t get it for me.” Anyone is free to ask for whatever they want but the gift giver decides if they will give what has been asked for, or something else.
2. £50 is a reasonably significant amount that if you were going to buy something, I wouldn’t necessarily expect that you’d spend that much.
3. I don’t know what one4all is (I’m not in the UK) but assume it is a gift card that can be used at many retailers. Why doesn’t she just pick a different lamp from a retailer that does accept it?

What I do think is that you could have aimed for a more thoughtful gift, even if it was something that didn’t cost much. Baking or something. Because it’s your mother. Not because she provides childcare one day a week.

A mother who knows her child is struggling financially shouldn6be sending texts like that to you.

I would remove any conceived burden from her life, find alternative childcare and stop sending her anything altogether.
Mumsnet likes to remind us that Christmas and Birthdays for adults is silly, gifts are for children.

She was rude.

regifting is also pretty rude to be fair.
obviously you can’t do it now but maybe in future use the voucher for stuff you need and give her something she does want?

Have you the faintest idea what it is like to have no money?

And it's 'pissed OFF', not 'pissed'. Pissed means something else entirely.

What would your plan be op if she withdraws the childcare?

She looks after your child once a week. That’s your birthday, Christmas and Hanukkah present. Toss in Eid and Diwali. All the presents.

You sound very very entitled. And extremely ungrateful. A £50 gift card and a birthday present are literally nothing compared to the amount of money she’s saving you in childcare.

@RescueMeFromThisSilliness newsflash not everyone on this site resides in England.

Oh and in answer to your rude question - Have I ever been poor? As a child yes. As an adult no.

I think you're being tight and your mum was over the top and rude.

Just save a bit each month over the year. You don't have to go to £50 am sure even twenty towards it is better than nothing.

She clearly feels hard done by which is a bit dramatic but I also don't think you realise she's doing you a favour too.

I think that's an awful reaction from your mother, truly awful!

Really can't understand her. Is this how she usually is?