Terrible daughter or terrible mother?

[Tryandtryagain02]

Hi, I have three children, work full time and like a lot of families have a very little disposible income after bills etc. Anyway, work gave me a £50 one4all voucher as they do every year for Xmas and the last two years I've given it to my mum as I don't have much money. This evening, she text me saying she couldn't order a lamp from Next as they don't take that gift card, her exact text is as follows:

Is the gift card you gave me one4all, your gift card from your work for Christmas? Because I asked you for a next gift card to buy the lamp and it doesn't allow me to use it in next? Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

So I sent her £50 and said I'll take the gift card back and that she knows I don't have much money and to stop looking for an argument. She said shes ashamed of me and that I use her (she looks after my 2 yr old on a wednesday). I haven't replied. Is this thoughtless and unfair?

I'm not a Nan, but I am a Mum. If my DD was hard up I'd appreciate anything given to me, and I wouldn't expect a gift because I look after my GC. In fact, I'd probably give my DD her voucher from work back so she can use it for something herself.

Regardless of where the voucher came from, I think it's a lovely gesture and I'm sorry it's been thrown back in your face.

My Mil almost says thank you to me for letting her have one of my kids. They are the joy in her life and they love her very much. Then again I didn't "need" her help since sahm but I'm happy she did because my teenage sons are very close to her because of the time she put in with them.

Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

That’s how the mum feels. In her own words. Grandparent or not, she’s saving the OP thousands of pounds a year. That is a massive favour.

When someone is doing you a massive favour and saving you thousands of pounds, and they tell you they’d like X as a gift, you find a way to get them X. You do not go ‘they should want to do it, anyway’. That is insanely entitled behaviour.

My mother would have binned the lot and asked me why I'd given her a load of shite instead of a proper present.

I think the gift is a bit thoughtless. You've had plenty of time to save to buy her something with your own money to show you appreciate her. I understand why she is upset.

I'm guessing if Op's mum had been able to use the cast off well then it would all have been ok & she wouldn't have felt worthless?

Otherwise why not just hand it back & say she didn't want that present again?

I hear you and I’m sorry your Mum holds that view @Blueyrocks . I guess different families have different ways. We’ve always taken care of each other, young and old. My Nan showed me so much unconditional love growing up, she never viewed looking after me as free childcare and I hope I extended the same love back when she was at her most vulnerable.

This thread is a prime example of folk being dicks to working class folks, which is hilarious considering all the high earners we proclaim to have here that spend all day.... On here posting utter shite.

Your mum truly is a cunt op, I hope life works out better for you soon ❤

Then I feel very sorry for you.
My parents weren't great in many ways, but they do value memento's of their grandkids - the mugs are still in use 23 years later. And my cinnamon biscuits taste pretty damn awesome even if the icing was wobbly.

I think giving her your All4One gift card was generous Op. Its certainly not a cast off.

I agree. The lack of empathy is sad. A lot of gaslighting going on here towards Op

how do you know how much op is able to save? maybe that went in the kids having a few presents each. not everyone has spare cash every week

Op, horrible and all as my parents were, they would never put me under financial pressure to get them anything, esp if I was financially struggling. Those One4All cards can be used in most shops (Tesco included I think). Your mother seems like a bully.

To be honest , your mum comes across as very selfish and nasty. If I was you I would find alternative childcare for that one day a week and have nothing to do with your mum .
families help each other when they can without putting a price on it . We did lots of care for one of my DGD when she was small and never expected anything in return as her parents were struggling financially . She is an adult now and her parents are comfortable. They now spend a lot on me for birthdays and Christmas as they can now afford it .
another DGD is a teenager with autism and refuses to go to school but hates being alone in the house while her mum works , so I sit with her 2 days a week . I don’t expect money in return . I do it because I love her .

Christmas is the same date each year... plenty of time to put a little money aside to buy your mother a small gift as a token of appreciation. I don't think that's too much to ask considering she helps her out a lot with the children all year. It doesn't need to be a grand gesture! Regifting is thoughtless imo.

I thought the same to be honest!

Christmas is one of the most financially stressful times of the year for parents. Its clear that Op is financially struggling. What kind of mother would derive pleasure from putting her under more pressure & humiliating her like that. Really horrible and unnecessary.

She did give her lovely gift....a One4All card which Op could have used herself for groceries, children's clothes etc. Please have some empathy.

Some of the replies on here are WILD!!!!

I really don’t understand the expectation of presents being bought, particularly when money is tight.

My mum is dead but the idea that this would be her reaction to a gift card is unthinkable.

Unless you’re spending money very frivolously elsewhere then I think your mum is in the wrong

I do have empathy as a working class mother myself and see your point. However in my opinion, a regift is thoughtless whether it be a gift card or not, especially towards her own mother who spends her year helping her out. I don't want to make OP feel any worse but this is a public forum. OP has asked for opinions and I have given mine!

OP could have bought her mother a gift using the one4all gift card and for me, that would have meant so much more.

I think the mother is being massively unreasonable and a bit of a cow actually. If my daughter was struggling financially i would be glad of anything! I really feel for the daughter in this scenario.

Op, a One4all voucher is a perfectly reasonable gift, especially given your circumstances.

Her response wasn’t about the lamp imo. It was about guilt, entitlement, and emotional pressure.

Red flag alert: Am I worth so little to you… it makes me feel worthless.

That’s not expressing disappointment - that’s using shame to control. Beware.

A normal response would have been to take the card and use it elsewhere, not assassinate your character.

if I was your mum and I knew you were genuinely hard up (not hard up for buying a gift for me but still going out with friends and buying yourself things) then I would not take your work gift card or £50, I would rather you spent it yourself. But if I thought you were spending on others or yourself and just not me I would be annoyed

A One4all voucher is very versatile. It can be used in so many stores. It’s not a 'cast-off' item. It’s literally a gift meant to be given. Its practical, and I would prefer a voucher like that rather than a gift.

Given Op’s financial situation, giving a £50 voucher is generous...not thoughtless.

Op’s mother does help with her 2 year old but childcare help doesn’t automatically entitle her to gifts of specific value.

No, helping with the childcare doesn't automatically entitle her to gifts of a specific value. But it's Christmas and a small token of appreciation can go a long way. I don't agree with the mother's delivery but it is clear she is feeling unappreciated.
My mother also helps with childcare and I wouldn't dream of giving her a regift. I'd rather spend less if I was struggling and know I'd chosen the gift myself. That is just my opinion! It seems we all have differing views...let's agree to disagree.

Her text could have been worded better but the sentiment is right . You’re a cheap skate .