Terrible daughter or terrible mother?

[Tryandtryagain02]

Hi, I have three children, work full time and like a lot of families have a very little disposible income after bills etc. Anyway, work gave me a £50 one4all voucher as they do every year for Xmas and the last two years I've given it to my mum as I don't have much money. This evening, she text me saying she couldn't order a lamp from Next as they don't take that gift card, her exact text is as follows:

Is the gift card you gave me one4all, your gift card from your work for Christmas? Because I asked you for a next gift card to buy the lamp and it doesn't allow me to use it in next? Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

So I sent her £50 and said I'll take the gift card back and that she knows I don't have much money and to stop looking for an argument. She said shes ashamed of me and that I use her (she looks after my 2 yr old on a wednesday). I haven't replied. Is this thoughtless and unfair?

You don’t know if UC are topping up her childcare in order for her to work. What a silly comment.

Thanks for all the replies — lots to think about. Having reflected, I can see that giving my mum the gift card without checking where it could be used was unthoughtful, and I do hold my hands up to that. At the time I genuinely thought I was doing my best with what I had, rather than it being dismissive or intentional.
My mum has been looking after my 2-year-old since September and has helped me out massively — it was her choice to volunteer and I am very grateful for everything she does. I think that’s why it stung that the message she sent felt quite nasty, even though I can understand why she was annoyed.
Life is very hectic at the moment and I didn’t think through the implications properly — lesson learnt. I will definitely be more mindful in future. I don’t think finding alternative childcare is realistic for us right now, but I do take on board that I need to think more carefully and communicate better going forward and save earlier next year.
Thanks again — even the blunt replies have given me perspective.

It would have looked more thoughtful /less transactional to use your work gift card for £50 worth of stuff you were going to buy anyway, buy mum a £50 Next card with the money saved and give that to her in a Christmas card with a nice message. But it's a busy time of year and for her to say she's ashamed of you is unkind and way OTT.

Op I'm so impressed (I don't mean that to be patronising) of your considered and rational conclusion in your latest post.

You received some unfair criticism on here, and some good advice. And you were big enough to read it all and consider it.

IMO your mum was rude. If my DD was struggling for money I would be clear that I don't want a present at all. So to be rude about your present, and using such language, was wrong of her.

That said, there may have been bad communication on both sides, and it sounds as though you are willing to work on it. I wisj you all the best!

I think you’ve reflected on bad advice from people who have a bitter axe to grind about the ‘privilege’ of free family childcare op. You did nothing wrong. You were very generous given your own circumstances. Jeez you don’t owe your mother a spleen just because she has her granddaughter once a week. She should feel the privileged one to even have that contact. And she should buy her own sodding lamps.

Well done, OP, for taking the feedback on board. It was thoughtless, though unintentionally so, and that's probably what has upset your mum. However, her reaction was also very unreasonable.

We live and learn! The best thing at this point is probably to try to patch things up with your mum as best you can, and next year, use the office voucher to buy stuff that you'd have had to buy anyway so that you can free up enough cash to get your mum a gift that she might actually appreciate. I'm guessing that it's as much about the thought that goes into that gift as it is about the monetary value of it.

I think your gift isn’t particularly thoughtful but equally gifts aren’t to be expected and should be received gratefully even if you don’t like them. I think she was rude and nasty in her text if she knows you struggle for money.

So in summary you gave a thoughtless, bad gift and she was an ungrateful and rude recipient. Neither is covered in glory but I’d say she comes off worse.

I'm really glad you've been mature enough to take the feedback on board - and hope that your Mum (who was rude) is equally mature now she has got over her annoyance.

I can absolutely see that you thought your gift was generous, because financially it is. But I can equally see that she thought it wasn't, because it seemed thoughtless. Hopefully you can move on and recognise that you both care about each other a lot

If someone can’t manage a small one off gift it’s certainly reasonable to question how they would even manage upfront fees for childcare ! Ridiculous comment .

It’s a nasty message from your Dm. She is looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Free childcare is a very fortunate thing when it works well (I didn't get it myself!), but when UC will cover up to 85% of the childcare costs for working parents, it's not necessarily the case that OP's mum is saving her "thousands" per year. False equivalence. It may actually make very little difference to day-to-day finances.

I also sometimes (1-3x per year - attached to performance, rather than xmas) get those vouchers from my work. As money is tight, although luckily not SO tight that I just have to use the vouchers to cover everyday expenses, it's actually a really lovely thing to be able to pick out something for me as a treat that I couldn't otherwise afford. Giving that away isn't "regifting" in the same way that handing on an unwanted toiletry set is. OP could have gotten herself something nice (as her employer intended!). The budget for gift-giving among adults in my family is significantly lower than £50, too.

The mum was rude and ungrateful IMO. But it is a stressful time of year, and probably it would be nice for both OP and her mum if they had more time and more money, so perhaps just one to chalk up to experience and move on.

If OP thought that, using the voucher herself to buy the lamp would have been the way to do it. It was a cop out because of the lack of effort, not the amount.

But the mother didn’t ask for a lamp; she specifically asked for a gift card so that she could buy the lamp of her choice. It’s all in the OP.

I used to look after my grandaughter for two full days a week until she started school. It certainly didn't give me the right to be rude to my adult child and to throw a £50 gift card back in their face because it wasn't the right one.

OP's mum sounds rude and unkind.

Oh give over, no it doesn’t.
why didn’t she use the gift card to get a nice gift instead?

I think your mums text is Harsh I help out my son all the time with my grandaughter I wouldn't dream of using this in an argument against him.
Mum should understand it's really hard at the moment for young family's.
I think your mums words are way too harsh.

Sorry OP that’s awful of your Mum. We gave alot more help than that to one of our kids with their child as they needed it . I wouldn’t dream of throwing it their face especially over a blooming lamp. It would actually hurt me to think they’d given me their voucher from work when they and their kids need it themselves. Is it possible with it being the festive season your Mum had had a drink before she sent that text? Some people are nasty under the influence….

Omg all these posts are making my blood boil.
I'd never expect a gift from one of my kids if I knew they were struggling financially.
Infact I'd insist they didn't spend anything on me at all.
And the posts saying you should be so grateful for the 1 day a week she spends with her GC that you put yourself in the poor house for her, are insane!
Any time I get to spend with my GC are my pleasure and my privilege.
I think she is being incredibly rude. And if she feels put on one day a week I'd be looking to see if I could make other arrangements xx

I am a long way away from being a grandmother, but as a parent I would do whatever I could to help my daughter and any future grandchildren (if that happens).

As a parent you are supposed to offer support to your children if they need it!

My Mum was a total nightmare, and was always looking to be rude, ungrateful, complain, and put people down!

I ended up not engaging with her very often for almost two decades before she died….

You can’t control how your Mother behaves, but when your children are older and need help, you can choose to be different!

You've clearly never been in the op's financial position. As a mother, if I knew my dd was struggling, I'd gladly look after my gc's every day to save her money & certainly wouldn't expect anything back and would insist she uses her gift card herself

Terrible Mother I'm afraid.

She should not have sent you that text. The fact she looks after your DD once a week doesn't mean she is entitled to be rude. And it is bad manners to complain about a gift. Ok she couldn't buy a lamp from Next but you gave her a £50 voucher so she could buy something else.
No way should she have upset you.
But to be fair I can just about see why she feels she has been fobbed of with a gift meant for you. But no excuse for rudeness. £50 very generous if you haven't much money. I would be upset too OP

Would your mother have received a gift from anyone else for Christmas? If not, for 2026 and onwards, you know she holds the act of gifting for Christmas in high esteem

I do think you are taking DM for granted, even if she originally offered to have your 2 year old, a day a week for such a young DC is a big commitment in reality.

I note you don’t want to change this (I would) so might need to put more thought into how you show appreciation to avoid a bigger rift growing between you.

You have done little to show appreciation (based on your updates and given it’s a full day per week commitment) even if you have been saying thank you.

The work gift voucher was thoughtless and insulting, especially given she told you what she wanted.

I realise money is tight but you could put aside £1 each week over the year and you would have enough for the £50 Next voucher at Christmas. After all, a bar of chocolate can cost £1 these days so it is a small amount to reserve each week and you will probably not notice any difference. Your mother saves you a lot more money than £50 once a year by looking after your child so thanking her in this way is not at all unreasonable.