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Original poster

Terrible daughter or terrible mother?

207 replies

Tryandtryagain02 · 29/12/2025 18:24

Hi, I have three children, work full time and like a lot of families have a very little disposible income after bills etc. Anyway, work gave me a £50 one4all voucher as they do every year for Xmas and the last two years I've given it to my mum as I don't have much money. This evening, she text me saying she couldn't order a lamp from Next as they don't take that gift card, her exact text is as follows:

Is the gift card you gave me one4all, your gift card from your work for Christmas? Because I asked you for a next gift card to buy the lamp and it doesn't allow me to use it in next? Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

So I sent her £50 and said I'll take the gift card back and that she knows I don't have much money and to stop looking for an argument. She said shes ashamed of me and that I use her (she looks after my 2 yr old on a wednesday). I haven't replied. Is this thoughtless and unfair?

OP posts:
PollyPlumPeach · 29/12/2025 20:10

Moveoverdarlin · 29/12/2025 19:50

Her text was rude, you’re just doing your best. But for the sake of your childcare and keeping the peace, I would say…

‘Ever so sorry Mum, I thought you could use it in Next. My bad. Here’s the Next one and I’ll have that back. I wasn’t trying to be a cheap skate, just trying to muddle through as frankly I don’t have a pot to piss in right now. I really apreciate your help on Wednesdays and if I could buy you a better present, I really would. Let’s not fall out, looking forward to seeing the lamps. X

She sounds a spiteful old thing but if you need her for childcare I’d just try and smooth all of this over.

This would be the best response.

Mum's message was very rude and petty, but you are in no position to complain as you are getting way more than £50 worth of childcare for free from her every week. So just bite your tongue and try to smooth things over.

Perrylobster · 29/12/2025 20:12

I’d say she is the terrible one for speaking to you like that. She knows you have very little and you’re finding it hard to make ends meet.

TY78910 · 29/12/2025 20:12

Next do take the one4all card but they’re not “gift cards” in the traditional sense, they’re prepaid visa or Mastercards which need to be entered as a normal card at checkout. So I would have just told her to do one 😂

Original poster
Tryandtryagain02 · 29/12/2025 20:12

Chukkachick · 29/12/2025 20:08

Did she end up paying for her half of the 'birthday' lunch?

Why do you have to be so negative? And no, she paid for it and I had lent her £50 the week prior so told her to withdraw the money from that to pay for my meal!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryandtryagain02 · 29/12/2025 20:14

TY78910 · 29/12/2025 20:12

Next do take the one4all card but they’re not “gift cards” in the traditional sense, they’re prepaid visa or Mastercards which need to be entered as a normal card at checkout. So I would have just told her to do one 😂

You're joking?! So Next will take the gift card?

OP posts:
Empress13 · 29/12/2025 20:14

Nightlight8 · 29/12/2025 18:38

I think your DD is rude. Someone looking after your child every single week even once is a huge favour. How old are your other kids? Why is money so tight right now.

I think the word "ashamed" isn't the correct word and for her to say that there sounds like a huge back story. Maybe your DD feels like you take her for granted? Does she not need to be at work herself on a Wednesday OP?

Have you actually read the OP? Go back and read it it’s not her daughter it’s her mother !

NuffSaidSam · 29/12/2025 20:14

blushroses6 · 29/12/2025 20:01

I can’t believe some of the responses on here - the mother’s text was so rude!!! I’ve really struggled financially at times in the past and have bought my mum cheaper bits like her fave shower gel/ chocs etc but she was more than appreciative because she knew I just didn’t have the money to spoil her like I would’ve liked to! Some people mustn’t know what it’s like to really have no money - I’ve had times when i’ve not had £50 left of my overdraft so I don’t think regifting the voucher was a horrible idea. An adult demanding a specific gift like that is also a bit bizarre imo anyway.

I think the key difference though is that you put thought into those gifts. It was her favourite shower gel , it doesn't matter what that costs, but that you paid attention to what her favourite is and found the specific one she wanted. She'd maybe have been less grateful is you got some random shower gel from Secret Santa and just passed that on to her. I think it's the thought that's lacking, not the financial input.

EatYourDamnPie · 29/12/2025 20:15

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2025 19:50

Again, why does my love or respect have to be proven through money?

this is just meaningless defensive words op to avoid taking accountability for your own actions. Which were -

  1. you didn’t get your mother anything for her birthday, but promised her you’d make it up to her. Didn’t to anywhere near the hours she spends doing stuff for you
  2. didn’t get her what she asked for for Christmas either, instead gave her something she knew was a regift. That is insulting after she does you a favour for a whole day every week

Do you understand the meaning of skint? If OP has no money , she has no money. Giving her mum a £50 gift card (even if it was from her work), when she probably could’ve done with it herself, should be good enough. Not something to be ashamed of.

NuffSaidSam · 29/12/2025 20:15

Tryandtryagain02 · 29/12/2025 20:14

You're joking?! So Next will take the gift card?

Show quote history

I don't think Next do take One4all. You can check on their website.

ForTipsyFinch · 29/12/2025 20:16

I think any adult guilt tripping and making demands for specific gifts is very bad form. I assume she knows finances are tight. But even not that’s a very rude way to speak to someone.

MyCheeryMouse · 29/12/2025 20:16

i cannot understand the heat you are getting for this. Your mum sounds utterly ridiculous. You’ve done nothing wrong imo. I wouldn’t dream of treating my kids like this.

2026NewTricks · 29/12/2025 20:18

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 29/12/2025 19:50

Newsflash - this is an overwhelmingly British site. In the UK, 'pissed' means 'extremely drunk' not 'extremely annoyed' so if you use the wrong term, you change the meaning of the sentence entirely. Hope that clears that up.

And I'm not being rude in asking you whether you know what it's like to have no money. The OP couldn't afford a present so instead of spending the gift voucher she received from work on herself, she gave it to her mum. That is a pretty selfless act.

Show quote history

It was a free re-gift 😂 and even worse her Mum knows it!

Strangerthanfictions · 29/12/2025 20:19

PollyPlumPeach · 29/12/2025 20:10

This would be the best response.

Mum's message was very rude and petty, but you are in no position to complain as you are getting way more than £50 worth of childcare for free from her every week. So just bite your tongue and try to smooth things over.

Show quote history

Finances have nothing to do with treating people kindly and with respect. Her mother did neither of those and doesn't get to be rude, inconsiderate and demanding just because something she chooses to do for her daughter and grandchild would have a significant financial cost. It doesn't give her the right to be grabby and mean to her own daughter at Christmas

Terrribletwos · 29/12/2025 20:19

NuffSaidSam · 29/12/2025 20:14

I think the key difference though is that you put thought into those gifts. It was her favourite shower gel , it doesn't matter what that costs, but that you paid attention to what her favourite is and found the specific one she wanted. She'd maybe have been less grateful is you got some random shower gel from Secret Santa and just passed that on to her. I think it's the thought that's lacking, not the financial input.

Show quote history

And that gives her mother carte Blanche to speak to her child in such an awful way, over something quite trivial! ?
I would never, ever speak to my adult kids like that. The mother sounds like she has some MH problems to be offloading in this manner!

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 29/12/2025 20:19

youalright · 29/12/2025 18:54

I think it depends what you mean by short of money are you genuinely short of money or are you one of these people who earns 100k a year and priorities your money on other things and other people and your mum is always an after thought when she does so much for you.

Now, think carefully about this. OP said she gets a £50 gift card every year as a Christmas bonus. Do people who earn £100k per year get a £50 gift card as a Christmas bonus? Or do they get a bonus that's a tad more substantial?

Blueyrocks · 29/12/2025 20:20

Your mum was really rude, but I agree with @PollyPlumPeach - if you can't afford a £50 gift card once a year, you can't afford to pay for the childcare your mum provides, so you need to just put up with her and smooth things over. Unfortunately, you're in no position to be insisting on manners from her at the moment.

ShetlandishMum · 29/12/2025 20:23

If she saves you £80 a week you could have given her £50 for a lamp.
Both of you could do better.

Terrribletwos · 29/12/2025 20:23

Blueyrocks · 29/12/2025 20:20

Your mum was really rude, but I agree with @PollyPlumPeach - if you can't afford a £50 gift card once a year, you can't afford to pay for the childcare your mum provides, so you need to just put up with her and smooth things over. Unfortunately, you're in no position to be insisting on manners from her at the moment.

No. That doesn't give her mum the right to speak to her like that. Doesn't matter if she's doing childcare it still doesn't give her the right to speak to her like shit. .....

NuffSaidSam · 29/12/2025 20:24

Terrribletwos · 29/12/2025 20:19

And that gives her mother carte Blanche to speak to her child in such an awful way, over something quite trivial! ?
I would never, ever speak to my adult kids like that. The mother sounds like she has some MH problems to be offloading in this manner!

Show quote history

No, of course not.

But I think it's helpful to pinpoint why she's so upset.

I don't think it's about the money as much as the complete lack of thought.

If she was money grabbing, that's despicable.

If she's hurt because her daughter, who she regularly helps with childcare, couldn't be bothered to make any effort whatsoever on her Christmas gift, that's a bit more understandable.

MummaMummaJumma · 29/12/2025 20:25

NuffSaidSam · 29/12/2025 20:15

I don't think Next do take One4all. You can check on their website.

Show quote history

I wasn’t sure either but a quick Google confirms you can use One4all in next.

Tourmalines · 29/12/2025 20:26

Tryandtryagain02 · 29/12/2025 19:16

We went to the garden centre and had lunch, she doesn't drive so I drove her to the dentist and waited an hour with my 2 year old whilst her and my brother went in. I lent her £100 for a plumber until she could pay me back. I said I would change her elderly mother-in-law on Xmas day if she has an accident as she has dementia because she didn't feel confident doing it.

Show quote history

Normal family support isn’t leverage to “ make “ up for anything .

MrsMcGarry · 29/12/2025 20:27

Did your kids get her anything?
From when mine were born they “gave”
Xmas presents to grandparents - at first a mug or calendar or fridge magnet with their daubings on or a photo of them, and then once they got older we would make a batch of Xmas biscuits together and they would draw/write on the gift tag. Cost very little, but I know my parents and PIL loved and appreciated their gifts (even if the biscuits were clumsily decorated) because of the effort and thought that had gone into them.

she obv feels unappreciated and used - that’s on you to fix

Sisterlove · 29/12/2025 20:29

Tryandtryagain02 · 29/12/2025 18:58

I think its quite clear that because I didn't gift her the exact gift card she asked for it made her incredibly annoyed and therefore she definitely wouldn't appreciate something homemade. And imo texting their daughter to say they're ashamed of them over not gifting the correct gift card isn't dramatic and 'crazy' then please correct me.

Show quote history

Her message isn't one you'd send to your daughter. It's really mean and would honestly make me find alternative childcare. My mum would never have sent me such a message.

You should have checked that the voucher was accepted at Next if that's what she asked for though.. but you still didn't deserve that horrible message.

Blueyrocks · 29/12/2025 20:29

@Terrribletwos I agree that the mum was despicably rude, but I don't know what power the OP has to enforce her 'right' to good manners in this situation? I mean, she could of course call her mum out on the rudeness, but if the mum doubles down, then what? It's not a contest the OP can win until she can afford alternative childcare.

fisherhatesgravel72 · 29/12/2025 20:30

If my child said ‘sorry mum I can’t afford to give you a present this year but you can have my work gift card ‘ id say no way, spend it on the children!!