Terrible daughter or terrible mother?

[Tryandtryagain02]

Hi, I have three children, work full time and like a lot of families have a very little disposible income after bills etc. Anyway, work gave me a £50 one4all voucher as they do every year for Xmas and the last two years I've given it to my mum as I don't have much money. This evening, she text me saying she couldn't order a lamp from Next as they don't take that gift card, her exact text is as follows:

Is the gift card you gave me one4all, your gift card from your work for Christmas? Because I asked you for a next gift card to buy the lamp and it doesn't allow me to use it in next? Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

So I sent her £50 and said I'll take the gift card back and that she knows I don't have much money and to stop looking for an argument. She said shes ashamed of me and that I use her (she looks after my 2 yr old on a wednesday). I haven't replied. Is this thoughtless and unfair?

I think it’s so sad the amount of posters who can’t see the op’s mum is an entitled (insert appropriate word)

My mum wanted to help out with my children. If she thought for a second I was struggling she would insist I didn’t get her anything for Xmas and ask what could she do to help me! To throw a gift back in my face, not in a million years.

Sorry op. There is no excuse for her treatment of you.

She can use the voucher, you have to put it in the credit card option and put the number in rather than click gift card

Agreed

That is your opinion, but not everyone view gift giving the same...and I think its important not to heap shame on Op when she was clearly trying to do her best in difficult circumstances.

It wasn’t a regift. A One4all voucher is simply cash in another form...and greatly appreciated by most. For someone already struggling financially, giving €50 of anything is a meaningful token.

Oh come off it. This is so unfair on the mum! She’s given her dd a day a week of her time all year. She asked for a lamp from Next for Christmas after nothing for her birthday. She got a regift. Is she really not allowed to express disappointment at the lack of thought?

It may not just be the amount your mum is upset about - more the complete lack of effort on a thoughtful gift for her. My DM babysits my 2nd DS one day a week, and will do until he goes to school. She also did the same with my first DS. She has therefore saved us thousands in childcare costs, and I have been as generous and thoughtful as I can be with my gifts to her. You have 'gifted' your DM less than the amount it would cost you to have your DC in nursery for one session!! I think you could stretch to a better gift for her!

It wasn’t a regift though. A One4all voucher is cash in another form & it was given by someone who is already struggling financially. That context matters.

Helping with childcare doesn’t entitle anyone to a specific gift. Expressing disappointment doesn’t justify guilt-tripping or shaming language.

If the help is given with resentment or expectation then it stops being help.

i think it’s so sad the amount of posters who can’t see the op’s mum is an entitled (insert appropriate word)

quite a few people have said this, we’ve also had cunt if memory serves.
woild someone please explain to me how the person who has given £80 (a days childcare fees) x 52 (presumably if she’s 2), so over £4000 worth to the op, and requested a specific lamp for Christmas for less than £50 after no birthday present, is the entitled person, and not the other way round?

Op I have no idea why you are getting a tough time here! I don’t know how it is relevant that she looks after her grandchild once a week for you (presumably voluntarily). She’s being grabby and cruel and frankly ridiculous. I’d be so upset in your shoes. I’d take the stance that “no mother , I’m not using you, you are helping me, and what’s more developing a strong relationship with your own grandchild on a voluntary basis”. —which if your family is anything like my working class family, is absolutely the norm and my mother benefitted from her own parents looking after me— .

The issue here is your mothers rudeness and lack of manners in receiving a perfectly decent gift.

It is a regift. Voucher or not. Somebody bought it for OP and she gave it to her mother rather than putting any thought into gift buying herself. There was no thought behind it. I obviously don't know OP or have any insight into her relationship with her mother but I completely understand where her mother is coming from based on the information given.

My oldest daughter will be on maternity leave next Christmas and I will be letting all our family know not to expect gifts, I told you son not to buy me anything this year and also for birthday in a few days as he is not earning much atm. Ppl getting stressed financially or in debt to buy gifts is not acceptable imo, I would never expect anyone to do that. As for regifting the voucher, your Mum was lucky to get that, I hope she gives it back, and if she does please treat yourself 💕

Wow I can't believe some of the replies on here, you are skint and have given your mum a £50 voucher you could of spent on something for yourself or one of the kids and she's ashamed of you!!! Her reaction is horrible, im presuming she knows you are on the bones of your arse? I can see her feeling a bit put out about it being seen as a "REGIFT" if I'm being completely fair. The childcare once a week I presume is a day that suits your mum and is free as she's retired and you can't afford to pay her. Honestly next birthday and Christmas get on vinted and buy new stuff with tags for her totalling no more than £20 and let her think you've pushed the boat out. She's obviously very materialistic and she wants to feel appreciated with token items so do it within your means and keep the voucher and spend it on an extra couple of toys for the kids or a nice treat for you. Also look into 30 hours free childcare if you haven't already

Op, please dont listen to the cruel comments on this thread.

Your mother knows you're struggling financially. You obviously thought she could use the One4All card in Next. You were very generous to give it to her.

What a horrible reaction. I really feel for you being demeaned and spoken to like that.

I have never known any grandparents who look after their grandchild for a few hours each week to think of it in such transactional terms. Thank God.

You’ll struggle for sensible answers here op. There are lots of people who think doing childcare is a horrible sacrifice and the mother is beholden to them the rest of the year if they put themselves out helping their child by seeing their grandchildren. It’s absolutely fine if people don’t want to do childcare, but to me you can’t offer help with strings attached, like you don’t get to speak to your dc like shit because you do childcare. And it’s not like you don’t do anything for her either.
she knows you’re struggling, I can’t imagine asking my struggling child for a gift firstly. Secondly I wouldn’t dare complain about the gift card someone got me. Third it was such a rude and dramatic message from her.

honestly you probably could’ve got her the gift card she wanted and used your gift card for something else like dcs gifts or food for over Christmas for example but she sounds awful. And that doesn’t make you cheap? How would it it’s the same value. She might feel unappreciated but her delivery tells me she’s likely a pita the rest of the year too.

It’s not- ops work give her a bonus (which she could and would like to use on herself and kids) but as she’s broke instead of utilising that bonus- she uses it to give a gift to her mother at Christmas. This isn’t perfume, given, disliked and passed on, nor a scarf that is no longer in vogue or to her taste. It’s not a Lush Christmas box handed person to person though secret Santa- it’s ops material bonus that her employer issues for her hard work, that she gifts to her mum because she can’t really afford anything else. The thought OP put in was - “I could use this. I’m struggling. But I love my mum and I appreciate her and whilst I’m offering all of the practical and emotional support I can (see care help with mums in laws) I want to be able to have a clear demonstration that I value her at Christmas. That this £50 (not a small amount!) that I could use, acts as a token of gratitude and love, that, in the spirit of Christmas I want to gift to her” that’s thoughtful.

My mum would never ask/tell me to buy her something, but given that she help me with childcare I wouldn't dream of not doing so and if I did know a specific thing she wanted, I'd do my best to get it.
The thought of her complaining about it is actually laughable though... who does that?!
(Unless it's because their DP bought them a bath mat or something)

It doesn't sound like two people who like each other very much tbh.

Sorry things are so tight.
Hard enough without duch a nasty response from your mother.
I think the gift was reasonable.
Hope things improve soon.

I think your mother is being incredibly rude and entitled.
It's still 50 quid of money that you could have used on yourself. No matter who gave it to you!
Might be ok to just try to swap it with you for an actual 50 quid so she could buy the lamp she wanted.. but she should have been nice and apologetic about it. Because it's SO rude really.
Yes she helps you out with childcare but that's possibly because you are struggling.. i was a SAHM for many years and I couldn't afford to spend 50 quid on my mum at christmas. Now my mum is a flawed person who is quite materialistic but even she would not be this rude about the value of a gift or where it came from! It's just unfathomable to me really. And in turn my mums gifts to me over the years have varied in value and quality.. but I just assume she's tried her best in whatever circumstances she was in.. so I accept the gift gratefully.
Christmas really brings out the worst in some people. Self absorption.
I literally cannot fathom getting cross about a gift card.
My aunt often sends gift cards and I do think she's just passing on ones people have sent her.. but im very grateful anyway! I've got nice things with those and its meant alot to me.

I earn well over £100k and get zero bonus every year

I'm not saying the mum has the right to behave the way she did - of course she wasn't. I'm saying that if OP falls out with her mother over this, she will lose the free childcare that she is so dependent on - if she can't afford to get the £50 gift her mum wanted, then she won't be able to afford to pay for alternative childcare which will cost much more each week. So whether she likes it or not, OP will have to bite her tongue and try and placate her mother.

Only someone gratuitously spiteful would send that. I wouldn’t want people I care about anywhere near her.

I think Op's mum worded it really badly.

I'd be doing all I could to find alternative childcare now.

Who wants it provided by someone who feels used?

Well if she can’t afford to buy her mother a Christmas or birthday present once a year , I find it quite amazing how she would beable to pay child care every week .

Your mam is in the wrong. Surely she could of used her own money for next and then used the gift card for something else? Especially if she knows money is tight.