Terrible daughter or terrible mother?

[Tryandtryagain02]

Hi, I have three children, work full time and like a lot of families have a very little disposible income after bills etc. Anyway, work gave me a £50 one4all voucher as they do every year for Xmas and the last two years I've given it to my mum as I don't have much money. This evening, she text me saying she couldn't order a lamp from Next as they don't take that gift card, her exact text is as follows:

Is the gift card you gave me one4all, your gift card from your work for Christmas? Because I asked you for a next gift card to buy the lamp and it doesn't allow me to use it in next? Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

So I sent her £50 and said I'll take the gift card back and that she knows I don't have much money and to stop looking for an argument. She said shes ashamed of me and that I use her (she looks after my 2 yr old on a wednesday). I haven't replied. Is this thoughtless and unfair?

Then doesn't the same apply to childcare? Thats her granddaughter. Why wouldnt you want to spend 1 day a week with her?

I think your mother has behaved terribly here. It doesn’t matter to me that she looks after your little one.. completely irrelevant. You don’t do that stuff because you are expecting something in return, or atleast you shouldn’t.. You didn’t have to get her anything, she should be grateful for the voucher. Next time just buy yourself something nice with it. She can make do with a card made by the kids!

Did you check the actual website? It isn't listed there. M&S, New Look, John Lewis etc, but definitely not Next.

Yes she’s saving you a lot in childcare fees, but I think that’s an absolutely awful way to talk to your child. If you can find alternative childcare.

Some of these replies are wild! Op your mum was in the wrong to say those things.you are right love isn't transactional or it shouldn't be and to tell your child you are ashamed of them over a gift card is nuts. Yes Your mum helps you out and that's lovely of her to do that but it sounds like you help her too that's what families do for each other. I think she's obviously feeling some resentment, maybe she is stressed or struggling financial aswell and lashed out at you I'm not excusing her but talk to her. Life is too short to fall out over shit like this. X

Ahh yes, you’re right. N Ireland Next only accept One4all.

Terrible mother! Just wow! Does she have any idea what your financial situation is?

My mum would never behave like this, she would probably tell me to take the gift card back and not worry about her! Also she would (and did) happily look after her grandchild once a week, because she is her grandparent and loves spending time with her grandchild. I can remember wonderful times at my grandparents every week when I was a child, no one begrudged it.

Indeed. She should be delighted at the opportunity to provide you with free childcare.

But you’re not entitled. Not at all. 🤣

If you were my daughter there is no way on earth I would accept your voucher. I would have said treat yourself. I look after my grandchildren happily and I do not expect to be paid. That said my children do buy me gifts at Christmas and Birthdays. I think she was rude to send that horrid text.

Totally missing the point . What’s she supposed to be making up for ??? She’s doing you a favour so you can earn money regardless weather she would WANT to spend one day a week your child . Entitled much ?

I thought that the voucher could be used in store but not online.

Truthfully a bit of both, you are using your mum, she sounds like she has had enough of you along advantage.
Why don’t you use funded hours with a proper childcare setting, and work on rebuilding a proper relationship with your mum.

Surely that’s down to the Mum for agreeing though. If she really doesn’t want to do it because she views it as free childcare, (instead of seeing her grandchild(ren)/helping her child out), she has every right to stop. Unless there’s a contract stating she’d receive a lamp from Next each year as payment?

I’m not sure if it’s just on Mumsnet, but I had never heard of looking after grandchildren as ‘free childcare’ in my life. Is that really the view? My Mum just sees it as, she’s available, it helps me, she sees her grandchildren. Nothing transactional about it 🤷‍♀️

I think each year you give her something well... Effortless. (Though I do understand that the value of it is generous).

Maybe you thought she didn't mind but this year she asked for something specific and equally priced (a lamp) and hasn't been heard.

Do you not think, really think, you could have made the effort to get the lamp, either using the gift card to do so yourself, or spending it's value on some other essentials to save the money for your mum's present?

I'm not sure this is about the value/£££ so much as gift giving/receiving is a shared experience. The experience of receiving something that excites you and makes you feel good, the moreso because someone who loves you chose it or obtained it for you with that feeling in mind. I can sort of see why a regifted work gift card is rather deflating in that respect. Even though I can also see it from your perspective as actually a generous amount (in terms of value) given your situation, and that many many people would be fine with it.

Did your mum get you something thoughtful or is she being a bit hypocritical here?

(BTW there are website where you can sell / exchange gift cards if that's helpful for the future).

She's not handled this well by blowing a gasket but in her message she has also told she feels worthless and used. That stood out to me. I think if that's how she really feels it speaks to something bigger than just the gift situation. If she has built up resentment instead of communicating, that might explain her outburst. Basically, has she attached/connected a lot of feelings about being valued and appreciated by you onto her hope that you would hear her request for the lamp?

I’m really surprised at the responses you’re getting here, OP! I think your mother was unconscionably rude. To be honest, I’m not familiar with the idea of grown adults demanding specific gifts from family members; and as for then getting in a strop if they don’t get exactly what they want…? Utterly bizarre.

Two other points:

Passing on a £50 gift card is not ‘regifting’
in the sense of rewrapping a Boots toiletry set - it’s a significant amount of money from someone who is skint, and was a very generous gift from the OP.

The idea that the OP’s mum - who turned up her nose at £50 because it couldn’t buy the exact item she wanted - would be happy with some baking and a homemade card, is laughably naive.

Your mother is really ungrateful and rude 💐

I think she sounds like hard work and ungrateful! You gave her a good present, not a cast off - you can spend those vouchers in loads of places! She’s lucky that she has a grandchild that she gets to look after once a week….

Did you spend shed loads of ££ on your DC and other gifts before you ran out of cash for your DM's gift?

I think your mum has behaved awfully.

Given she does a lot for you, you could put aside £10 a month and buy her something nice for Christmas. Her message was a bit abrupt, but I can see how she felt hurt by the fact you haven’t bothered to save to buy her something nice to show you appreciate the free childcare, which saves you a small fortune no doubt.

It doesn't mean her husband isn't doing a 100k job

it is your choice to give thoughtless gifts to your mum that she didn’t want.
it is your choice to dismiss her kneejerk upset response explaining to you that she feels used as crazy.
it is her choice if she tells you she is no longer prepared to do your childcare.

Lucky you. Your Mum sounds lovely. Other mums aren't so nice - my own mum hasn't spent any time with any of my kids since the eldest was born, unless I'm there too, because my "childcare" is my responsibility.

Though, tbf, it is free childcare, esp if it's a regular weekly slot rather than "I fancy hanging out with my grandkid for a few hours this Wednesday, and getting my nails done next Wednesday."

I can't see myself asking for anything if I knew my sons were struggling. Is she always like this? If yes, I'm not sure she's a suitable person to watch your daughter. She sounds very selfish. As a mother you want your children to be happy and have all they need before thinking about yourself