Terrible daughter or terrible mother?

[Tryandtryagain02]

Hi, I have three children, work full time and like a lot of families have a very little disposible income after bills etc. Anyway, work gave me a £50 one4all voucher as they do every year for Xmas and the last two years I've given it to my mum as I don't have much money. This evening, she text me saying she couldn't order a lamp from Next as they don't take that gift card, her exact text is as follows:

Is the gift card you gave me one4all, your gift card from your work for Christmas? Because I asked you for a next gift card to buy the lamp and it doesn't allow me to use it in next? Nice, really, am I worth so little to you! It just makes me feel worthless. Thanks for your cast off.

So I sent her £50 and said I'll take the gift card back and that she knows I don't have much money and to stop looking for an argument. She said shes ashamed of me and that I use her (she looks after my 2 yr old on a wednesday). I haven't replied. Is this thoughtless and unfair?

Why? I help my mum as much as I can and whenever she asks me for something I try my best so that I can help her. Again, why does my love or respect have to be proven through money?

Bear in mind it appears the ops mum is also not well off. She didn’t have £100 in savings for a plumber, nor can she drive. She is giving up a potential working day to save op money.

She proves her love to you by giving free childcare!

Wow you are entitled.

Good idea!

Read my comment again.

No, shes retired by choice.

She, the person who is doing you this massive favour and saving you a large amount of money, has told you what she wants. She’s been clear about it. There’s no ambiguity.

You chose not to do said thing. And, when she called you out on it, your response is indignation at her audacity. why does my love or respect have to be proven through money?

That is why you are coming across as entitled and ungrateful. I’m not sure how much clearer one can be.

She sounds ungrateful - you still gave her £50 of money that belonged to you, no matter where it came from.
As your mother she should have some compassion for the fact that you have little money. In your mothers shoes (if you are really struggling) I would rather you have kept the voucher and treated yourself.
Your mum sounds grabby. I can’t get my head around her having a £50 voucher and then throwing a strop because it can’t be used in a particular shop.

Again, why does my love or respect have to be proven through money?

this is just meaningless defensive words op to avoid taking accountability for your own actions. Which were -

1. you didn’t get your mother anything for her birthday, but promised her you’d make it up to her. Didn’t to anywhere near the hours she spends doing stuff for you
2. didn’t get her what she asked for for Christmas either, instead gave her something she knew was a regift. That is insulting after she does you a favour for a whole day every week

Newsflash - this is an overwhelmingly British site. In the UK, 'pissed' means 'extremely drunk' not 'extremely annoyed' so if you use the wrong term, you change the meaning of the sentence entirely. Hope that clears that up.

And I'm not being rude in asking you whether you know what it's like to have no money. The OP couldn't afford a present so instead of spending the gift voucher she received from work on herself, she gave it to her mum. That is a pretty selfless act.

Her text was rude, you’re just doing your best. But for the sake of your childcare and keeping the peace, I would say…

‘Ever so sorry Mum, I thought you could use it in Next. My bad. Here’s the Next one and I’ll have that back. I wasn’t trying to be a cheap skate, just trying to muddle through as frankly I don’t have a pot to piss in right now. I really apreciate your help on Wednesdays and if I could buy you a better present, I really would. Let’s not fall out, looking forward to seeing the lamps. X

She sounds a spiteful old thing but if you need her for childcare I’d just try and smooth all of this over.

Right?! The complete lack of self awareness is quite shocking.

You have been corrected, by several people. If you feel like this is all on her and she's been dramatic and crazy, that's fair enough, but why ask for peoples opinions?

I think your Mum may have been annoyed because of the complete lack of thought that went into her gift. Perhaps something homemade would at least show that you'd thought about her and made an effort.

I do understand where others are coming from about showing appreciation, however I just can’t imagine any loving Mother sending this to their child. My Mum helps me once a week with pick up and whenever she can. She never asks for anything or expects it. I thank her, treat her respectfully and we have a good relationship as adults. There’s been years I’ve got my Mum something very small and she’s made up with it. She actually tells me off and says I should have saved my money or put it towards the kids. When I was little my Nan took care of me a lot, because she loved me. It wasn’t viewed as a favour. I know times have changed, but OP, I truly think your Mum is being unreasonable. If her relationship with her Grandchildren is transactional, I agree with others that suggest trying to find alternative care on Wednesdays.

None of those things are presents though, are they. They’re just stuff that families do for each other. Like I guess…child care??

OP I don't think for a second you owe your mum a Next gift card just because she babysits 😅 if you don't have the money, you don't have it. Your mum has been nasty. I would babysit for free and would not expect a gift card - would rather you kept it for yourself. What a mean mum you have.

I think some people have misunderstood me. I do genuinely appreciate my mum’s childcare and I tell her that regularly. I’m not ungrateful or spoilt, and I certainly don’t take her help for granted.
What I was questioning was the idea that love and respect have to be proven through money. I’m on a tight budget and simply couldn’t afford a £50 gift card at the time. That doesn’t mean I don’t value her.
I help her in other ways where I can, and our relationship isn’t transactional. Appreciation looks different in different families, and for us it isn’t always financial.

I can’t believe some of the responses on here - the mother’s text was so rude!!! I’ve really struggled financially at times in the past and have bought my mum cheaper bits like her fave shower gel/ chocs etc but she was more than appreciative because she knew I just didn’t have the money to spoil her like I would’ve liked to! Some people mustn’t know what it’s like to really have no money - I’ve had times when i’ve not had £50 left of my overdraft so I don’t think regifting the voucher was a horrible idea. An adult demanding a specific gift like that is also a bit bizarre imo anyway.

I think a lot of posters can’t imagine what it’s like to be actually skint. It sounds like the op didn’t have a spare £50 to hand to buy a next gift card, and then use up the One4All herself.

If you did, and just couldn’t be bothered getting her the one she wanted, I think that’s a poor show.

You obviously have never lived in poverty. This post smacks of absolute entitlement.

Horrible horrible reaction from her, I understand what people are saying about her giving you childcare and the monetary value of that but one would assume a grandparent doesn't provide childcare in the hope of receiving a gift from their financially stretched child, it's utterly selfish as a parent to speak to you in that way and demand cash and saying she's ashamed of you is really low and extreme. As a parent I would be horrified if my daughter and grand kids were going without so I could get a lamp from fucking next. Also that's a gift card you got for you and could have used for your family or to treat yourself I'm sure both of which are needed but you chose to give it to her, that demonstrates self sacrifice to gift her something. I'd be really touched if my kids gave up their gift for me and I would give it straight back and tell them to buy themselves something. Most parents I know would be exactly the same. This reminds me of my mother effectively demanding I throw her a surprise birthday party when I was in my early 20s, I borrowed the money and did it. I look back now and can't believe the pressure she put on me but she conditioned me to think it was normal and the least I could do for her.

It really is an awful way for a mum to speak to her daughter...so much hate from her. Has she done this all your life?

I agree with you and tbh the way I read the message from your Mum wasn't that she was pissed off about the £50 (after all you did give her £50!) but the lack of thought of regifting something that she couldn't use to buy the one thing she told you she wanted. The message reads like she tried to buy the lamp and was turned away? So she's maybe embarrassed as well?

I think if you'd checked where it could be used and discovered it couldn't be used in Next you could have either used it for something else and given your Mum some cash/a gift card towards her lamp. Or you could have explained "Mum, I don't have any spare cash for the lamp, but I want you to have this gift card I hope you can use it for something else".

It reads to me like you got the gift card, didn't really look at it and chucked it towards your Mum for Christmas. No thought. And that's why she's upset.

What do you think her reaction would have been if you got her a £20 next voucher? Perhaps with some home baked cakes and cards made by the children.

She may have felt valued and listened to even if it were a lower amount.

Regifting, even if a higher than expected 'value' of item, will always leave a bad taste, I think.

I do think the text is OTT, but what have you specifically done to show your appreciation of the babysitting? You say she wouldn't like a handmade gift, but used getting her nothing as an example...

Did she end up paying for her half of the 'birthday' lunch?