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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

214 replies

LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 12:09

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 28/12/2025 12:13

If you enjoy time with your Mum and siblings and their partners and children I would play him at his own game and just completely ignore him. Don't lose your family because of him. Embrace everyone else, enjoy yourself and just ignore the idiot in the corner.

GrooveArmada · 28/12/2025 12:16

Hard to say. If it was playful and that's his sense of humour then YABU. If he did this and it was mean-spirited and his way of getting at you then YANBU. It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with him so why are you thinking twice about distancing yourself? It shouldn't really be an issue? You don't have to go nuclear NC but you can limit time you spend with him. Is there any back story here, when did this all start/has it always been this way? Why are you trying to please him even now, as an adult? I think with some people it makes sense to let go, even if you feel misguided sense of responsibility for maintaining or improving your relationship with them.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2025 12:17

That's unpleasant. Can't you call him out on it in front of others? "Why did you just throw that at me? Are you trying to hurt me?" Play dumb and ask for an explanation, it's him who will be embarrassed by it.

I will say, it's probably best to stay out of winding him up if you don't have the relationship for it.

But you wouldn't be unreasonable to distance yourself. I have a very low tolerance for violent men too.

mzpq · 28/12/2025 12:22

I don't get it.

They were all having laughs at your dad's expense, your sister playfully said it was like they asked your DC to cover your dad in spit, you playfully nodded and agreed and your dad playfully threw a cork at you.

I'm not sure why you went off to sulk? 😳

T1Dmama · 28/12/2025 12:23

This is hard.. because there’s obviously much more to this, years of similar incidents and you feeling rejected which has now caused what reads like you being over sensitive to a gesture.. but hopefully people can see that this is historical and your upset comes from a place of years of hurt….
If my Dad did this I know it would be a bit of fun, and that he’d have done it to any of us..
If you are treated differently these are things that need answering:

  1. Are all the other siblings opposite sex to you?
  2. Are you oldest/youngest?
  3. Is there any chance you aren’t biologically his? Or he thinks you might not be?
dicentra365 · 28/12/2025 12:24

You’re not unreasonable and there’s clearly a lot of backstory. If you can continue a relationship with your mum and siblings, but keep him at arms length that might be best. It seems like your relationship is more fragile and you can’t trust his responses. I would meet him where he is and keep a polite and cordial distance when you have to see him, which is very hard when it’s your dad but might be necessary for your own preservation.

Theslummymummy · 28/12/2025 12:26

I do think you are being too sensitive, to feel humiliated. But you can't help how you feel, especially with the back story.

Quitelikeit · 28/12/2025 12:27

Was this done with malice or not?

Take it the way it was meant

Storming out on Xmas day and causing an atmosphere is not on

You should have raised it separately

SparklyGlitterballs · 28/12/2025 12:29

If he did it in a nasty way then I'd distance myself. At 2.5yrs your son will soon start picking up on his behaviour. Can you arrange to meet your DM and siblings away from him, or invite them round to yours occasionally?

LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 12:30

I definitely agree that perhaps I was overly sensitive to it. I do feel like this is in part due to the relationship we have had while I was growing up. But I do want to say that I definitely didn’t storm out. I just excused myself from the room. I went to the bathroom, splashed water on my face and came back!

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 28/12/2025 12:31

Also your partner… what was their response to this? Did he/she stick up for you? Did they say anything? It doesn’t sound like they even stuck up for you or checked up on you. ?? Does he / she think you’re justified to be upset or does he/she think you’re overreacting?

OvernightBloats · 28/12/2025 12:32

Both of you overreacted - your father for throwing the cork, you for storming out.

Do you have similar personalities? Is it just a personality clash with your father? It's hard to tell as none of us know your history with your father.

Could you talk to him and agree that you both were a bit dramatic? Could be a way of making a fresh start.

mzpq · 28/12/2025 12:34

LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 12:30

I definitely agree that perhaps I was overly sensitive to it. I do feel like this is in part due to the relationship we have had while I was growing up. But I do want to say that I definitely didn’t storm out. I just excused myself from the room. I went to the bathroom, splashed water on my face and came back!

Well that's not quite how you told it.

Your brothers partner felt the need to go and see if you were ok, and your mum too.

So it was obviously noticeable.

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:35

Just wondering is he really your dad ?.
Maybe your mum had an affair ?
That could be an explanation or maybe over the top presumption from me ?
But I have heard about this where other people have been in this situation and they find out they are not biological family !
Just a thought 💭

LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 12:36

mzpq · 28/12/2025 12:34

Well that's not quite how you told it.

Your brothers partner felt the need to go and see if you were ok, and your mum too.

So it was obviously noticeable.

You’re right. They did.
I do feel like I didn’t storm out but if that’s how it’s read then maybe I’m wrong.

OP posts:
ZoggyStirdust · 28/12/2025 12:37

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:35

Just wondering is he really your dad ?.
Maybe your mum had an affair ?
That could be an explanation or maybe over the top presumption from me ?
But I have heard about this where other people have been in this situation and they find out they are not biological family !
Just a thought 💭

I mean, there are leaps made on here all the time but this one is huge!

LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 12:38

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:35

Just wondering is he really your dad ?.
Maybe your mum had an affair ?
That could be an explanation or maybe over the top presumption from me ?
But I have heard about this where other people have been in this situation and they find out they are not biological family !
Just a thought 💭

He is definitely my dad! We are the absolute spitting image of one another. I just have longer hair!

OP posts:
Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:38

ZoggyStirdust · 28/12/2025 12:37

I mean, there are leaps made on here all the time but this one is huge!

Just wondering why u have had a difficult relationship with your dad growing up and u said he doesn't treat u like your other siblings ?. And u don't know why ? Maybe that's your why unless u know 100% he your biological father x

MauriceTheMussel · 28/12/2025 12:39

I don’t think you’re being over-sensitive.

I don’t agree with the take that unless he meant it with malice, YABU. Doesn’t matter how he meant it. It upset you. The only response to that is remorse. Instead he’s made himself the victim. And your mum is enabling him.

I recognise this dynamic your dad has with you and unless you’ve got experience of it, you won’t “get it”.

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:40

LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 12:38

He is definitely my dad! We are the absolute spitting image of one another. I just have longer hair!

Ok that's cleared that up then ! I'd say treat him the same match his vibe and see how he likes it don't just put up with it x

mzpq · 28/12/2025 12:40

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:35

Just wondering is he really your dad ?.
Maybe your mum had an affair ?
That could be an explanation or maybe over the top presumption from me ?
But I have heard about this where other people have been in this situation and they find out they are not biological family !
Just a thought 💭

What the actual fuck? 👀😳😬

The guy sat there being the butt of everyone's good natured jokes, then he good naturedly tossed a cork at the OP.

And that means her mum might've had an affair?

Of all the MN leaps over the year, I think this one wins by a country mile!

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:41

mzpq · 28/12/2025 12:40

What the actual fuck? 👀😳😬

The guy sat there being the butt of everyone's good natured jokes, then he good naturedly tossed a cork at the OP.

And that means her mum might've had an affair?

Of all the MN leaps over the year, I think this one wins by a country mile!

I was actually reading ops whole picture in the post of never getting on with her father and having a hard difficult relationship with him 😔

mzpq · 28/12/2025 12:42

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:41

I was actually reading ops whole picture in the post of never getting on with her father and having a hard difficult relationship with him 😔

That still doesn't make her mother an adulterer.

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:44

mzpq · 28/12/2025 12:42

That still doesn't make her mother an adulterer.

No but it could explain her father's behaviour towards her and this has happened to loads of people in these situations so not that much of an over reach x

mzpq · 28/12/2025 12:45

Londontown12 · 28/12/2025 12:44

No but it could explain her father's behaviour towards her and this has happened to loads of people in these situations so not that much of an over reach x

ok.