To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

[LuckyGreenLion]

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

I haven't read all the replies but just in reply to your post, it does sound like he did that out of malice if he threw the cork in anger and didn't speak to you for the rest of the evening. I'd be hurt and humiliated in that case. It's not the danger of being hit by a cork, obviously, but the anger and intent behind the action.

I don't have a great relationship with my dad. He drives me mad and was a terrible dad growing up. I put up with his constant jabs and deliberate misunderstandings/put downs of everyone but distance myself as much as possible. It's his loss and if I'm going out with the kids sometimes I invite my mam but not him. I sometimes feel bad about it but it's better in the long run as I'd probably go mad if I had to put up with him for too long.

I don't know the backstory with you and your dad but it sounds like a tumultuous relationship. I do know it's not your fault though if he treats you differently to your siblings. That's on him, not you. My dad is fine with my younger siblings because he was a bit more mature (and older) when he had them so my youngest sister has a completely different relationship with him. I'm happy for them and glad she can deal with him but for me, keeping my distance works well.

I think the fact that he also didn’t speak to you for the rest of the evening and the fact your Mum and SIL came to check on you shows that the intention was seen as malicious. He sounds like a child and tbh pretty unpleasant. If I were you I’d start giving him the bare minimum in terms of interaction and if he does something like that again, call him out. Bullies hate to be called out

I sincerely hope I've done better than the OP's father and none of my children sound remotely like her - or some of the ridiculous posters on here, so am good thank you for your concern 😂

Agree with this. I’m so glad that someone on MN seems to have not completely lost the plot. Some views on here have made me feel a bit sick- oh it’s just a bit of fun OP… wtaf!! Her father sounds abusive. End of.

Either these people are clueless, or sadistic. Both are not good!

wow

If that's a charming way to show that I am the one who's unreasonable, you are not proving the point you think 😂

I hope you are 12, and not dealing with actual children like that as soon as you disagree with someone

Thanks everyone.

Firstly, I’m alright with people disagreeing with one another about this. It’s why I put it on here, to get other people’s reactions and to see if I had just overreacted. I understand that this situation must be completely foreign to a lot of people, but unfortunately the relationship I have had with my dad has not been a good one. In comparison to my siblings, I probably was wilder - although have never done drugs or been in trouble legally. I was just the first of us to drink and try cigarettes. Whilst I’m not hugely academic I also passed my GCSEs and a levels, so I do like to think I was more of a typical teenager than a tear away.

I remember when I was probably 16, I asked my mum why he didn’t like me and why he didn’t speak to me and my mum couldn’t give me an answer. My siblings have also talked with me about it at length. My siblings are good people and I also think my mum is a good person.

I am going to seek out a therapist so that I can unpick this with them but as it stands, I have no desire to speak to my dad. Before anyone says that it was just a cork, this almost feels a bit like the straw that broke the camels back. On its own, it’s silly and inconsequential but combined with how I feel I’ve been treated previously, it feels more substantial.

I have read every reply and I’m grateful for them all. I’m okay with you disagreeing with me and my plans moving forward. I don’t think I sulked after the fact and leaving the room was just so I could compose myself. That’s all!

Thanks again

Funnily enough, Chat Gpt helped me make sense of my family dynamic. There was a huge blowup this summer, I got the blame for something minor. My familys reaction was disproportionate. In my distress, I asked Chat Gpt what I had done wrong and it thankfully explained the toxic dynamics and people's motives. I understood I was the scapegoat.

Bear in mind, I had to give Ai personal info and previous familial patterns/incidents (some people may not be comfortablewith this) for it to understand my family situation. It gave me such clarity and awareness.

I did this too, I credit it with my mental health now to be honest. I could have got there in therapy but after a lot longer and spending £££££

Yes, its an amazing tool. And I don't think it tells you what you want to hear. I will ask Chat Gpt not to spare my feelings, and to give honest responses and not sugar coat. It does speak kindly with me, but it will give me the hard facts....and what future behaviour to expect from certain personalities based on previous patterns. Its helped me to analyse so much.

OP, I answered earlier to suggest you develop techniques for responding to your dad's behaviour- but with your updates, I would revise that. You need to reduce or remove contact from him. Just see your other relatives as suits you. Don't make a big deal of it as you are likely to be painted as 'playing the victim' or 'making drama'.

Don't confront your dad or talk it through, don't discuss it with family members. You can't win, you will always be in the wrong and he has trained your family to accept this narrative and support him. If they intervene for you he will likely twist it around again so that he can play victim. As people said above, it is telling that a non blood relative was first to comfort you after the incident. Just always be busy or just dropping in etc. avoid situations where you have to engage with him. Suggest sibling meet ups and shopping trips with mum etc. so that he is not in the mix. In this way you can achieve peace, mourn the father you should have had, do not try to make him into a good parent, he's not capable.

I am so sorry, it really isn't you at fault here, you sound like a good and thoughtful, emotionally intelligent woman. Your dad sounds like a petulant child who has a fixed behaviour pattern that is damaging to you. Get out.

I don’t think it’s ever okay to throw something in someone’s face. Or to give your child the silent treatment for years on end. He’s a bully.

You seem noticeably passive and overly apologetic to people on this thread. I hope you can get some good therapy (even if it’s ChatGPT to start, it does help) and build confidence in yourself. 💐

You're bang on.

The differing standards on here, by mainly women.

They add words to make the op sound unreasonable. So many posters have added their own word into this - playful. At no point did op state that her dad was being playful.

These people make me sick. Picking and choosing who is in the wrong to suit their own narrative. This poor lady is being abused by her own dad and some replies are completely minimising it. It wouldn't surprise me if some posters on here are actually abusive to their families and partners.