To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

[LuckyGreenLion]

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

Yes completely understand OP..I'm the partner of a man treated like that by his dad. It's verbal assualts rather than corks but the same thing. Enabled by his mum and sister although both quite openly talk about his bad treatment of my partner out of earshot. I think the age is your child is telling..I "tolerated" it whilst it was just me &partner but once my eldest was about 3 and started to speak (and get the nasty comments) I decided enough was enough. I spent a few visits doing the "grandad has forgotten his manners today " to my son and " see what happens when you don't learn manners when you are young" as I wasn't having the whole cycle repeat. I have once or twice taken him to task when he has been especially rude to my husband or child. Mil flutters around saying "he's a poppet really" and I hmmm.
He is a narcissist and will only say good things about his other child. Now very frail and moaning he doesn't see much of us ...

Unless I have misread your posts, you aren't trying to cut off all contact - just seeing other family members separately and limiting your attendance at family gatherings, which seems perfectly reasonable.

Frankly your father sounds awful. Who even refers to their own grandchild as ‘spitting’ at them, when they are trying to blow out candles.

Personally, I wouldn’t miss out on family gatherings because that could have an impact on your DC, but I would definitely ignore the bastard.

And btw, you are not being overly sensitive. How dare he throw a cork at your face. Your brother’s girlfriend obviously thought it was really off, and so would most normal balanced people.

He needs to get over the past, because he’s venting at you, and you are his ‘kicking boy.’

OP as a parent I cannot understand how he could live with you as a teen and not talk to you for two years. Has no desire to visit your house, pay you a compliment even on your wedding day, etc. I feel so sad reading that and it makes me want to give you a big hug.

I'm sure now you are a parent yourself as well it makes you view your childhood through a different lense as well.

I think hving some counselling about your dad is a really good idea.

I'd be wary of your son becoming part of your black sheep status with your dad and family by association and wouldn't want that for him. But even if they treat him like a little prince I'd still not want my child around someone who shows me so little care and is happy to throw things at me. What is that teaching him? Seeing your dad treat you this way and your family accept it??

Agree with this post. That's the sort of thing I'd do...Cork throwing ...with someone I felt close to and bonded with. Relaxed enough to playfully do this. I think the OP is perhaps overthinking and over sensitive . A bit of drama, just relax OP and hope you are OK

You don't know what emotional abuse and chronic exclusion feels like.

How do you know I don't. You are speaking from.complete ignorance

You're coming across like Ops family now. Gaslighting and minimising abuse is disgusting.

Maybe they’re just glad it’s not them.

You're probably right there.

He didn't talk to you for two years whilst you were a child living in the same house as him?

That is all sorts of fucked up!

Have you read all of the OP’s comments? Her father is very obviously horrible and the rest of the family accept his poor treatment of her. The only who didn’t was an outsider. There is clearly an unhealthy family relationship here and the OP is not at fault - she’s only just starting to realise she deserves to be treated with respect.

OP, I’m really glad you realise you’re ready for counselling. So many people don’t see the toxicity of the childhood until they become parents themselves. Sounds like you get on with your ILs so hopefully DS will have healthy grandparent relationships on that side.

with someone I felt close to and bonded with. Relaxed enough to playfully do this

That isn't how Op feels around her father though.

Pity you can't see how you are coming across! Maybe just as well. Calm down in a dark room.

Exactly. Denying the reality of abuse is abuse imo.

If he threw the cork in jest, he would have had no problem saying afterwards 'sorry love, I didn't mean to upset you, it was just a joke'. He didn't, because he couldn't because he has a problem with one of his children, the nasty fucker.

And this is what mumsnet does
round on the people who won’t shout abuse and try and belittle them

You're not unreasonable to distance yourself at all - in fact, you should have done it a long time ago based on your updates of how he was when you were a teenager. Your mother is a disgrace too for allowing him to ignore you solidly for 2 years - completely emotional abuse.

Will he start treating your kids like this as they get older, as an extension of you? Even if not, they shouldn't see their mother being treated that way. It'd be helpful for you to get some therapy and help in developing stronger boundaries and self esteem.

It’s so hard when you’re a black sheep kid and the rest of the family play along. Harder still when your kids come along.

The people sticking up for the cork-thrower are blessed not to have a family with those dynamics. Not speaking to their own child for two years is wicked.

OP I recommend reading It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasula and hope you get the therapy too.

So sorry you are still treated like this my your father. Your siblings joked about him yet he singled you out by deliberately throwing an object in your face. In no situation is this OK!
l really don't understand some of the responses you have had from posters thinking it's just playful. Please understand none of this is your fault, and you did not overreact. Rather you underreacted and should have called him out on it, but you have been trained to accept that he treats you badly.
It sounds like you have spent many years trying to appease him but to no avail. Don't try to understand why you are the family scapegoat, just accept that he is a mean, nasty man who will never change.
Step away, seek some counselling for yourself and see your mum and siblings separately. Don't have anything more to do with him, that way you take away his power and control. You really don't want your son seeing him treating you in that manner.

Why did he throw the cork only at you, op? When it was your siblings who were taking the mick?

Look I think the truth is, your dad tolerates you but he doesn’t like you. But that’s not new information to you, you know you’ve been disliked by him for your entire life. He’s just merely acting how he normally does? There’s something about you that he finds disagreeable, it doesn’t have to be logical and you can’t do anything to change it.

Except that they don't have a history of feeling bonded and close, there was no reason to throw the cork, the other members of the family felt the need to apologise for him and he didn't make any effort to say sorry.

Precisely.
If I threw a cork at a family member "playfully" and they got upset, I'd certainly seek them out to explain it wasnt done maliciously (even if I thought they were overreacting). I wouldnt want any of my children upset especially on xmas. The dad is a jerk. He didn't speak to OP the rest of yhr evening. Why are so many posters pulling out of their arses the "playful" card when it makes no sense with the rest of the event and OPs childhood??

Tell us you're a parent like the OP's father without telling us

Yes, someone literally said that she said she did that