To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

[LuckyGreenLion]

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

Maybe I misread something. Apologies if that is the case.

I do think I am sensitive - I do think though that I try to see things from other people’s POV and I don’t ever feel badly about asking for clarification if I don’t know what was meant. My job requires me to be perceptive and I don’t think I take things often in the way they weren’t intended. I am and have been trying to be open to people’s responses on here.

Having a child of your own is very often the start of that process. Someone up thread mentioned the ‘stately homes’ thread (within the relationship board), that whole string of threads is full of people who will understand, as they’ve been through similar scapegoating relationships with family. Have a read and you might well find people there who articulate what you’re feeling now. Best of luck to you, I’ve been where you are.

Was there simmering resentment because it was your child who accidentally spat on him? Sometimes the children of scapegoats are disliked by the grandparents
Many times the children born to the favoured adult children are unconsciously preferred

Thank you!

Another reach. OP reached the age of developing autonomy and starting puberty which made her no longer cute, malleable and obedient.

This is a bullshit dynamic OP. Your father is a total cunt for giving you the silent treatment, not apologising and all the rest of it. He wants to cause you pain with his relentless punitive behaviour. Fuck that. Your mother is also in cahoots for her response, I’m so sorry. It’s so disappointing having shit parents. Your only priority needs to be your own dignity and self-respect, imagine you are your own daughter and protect yourself as you would her. You’re not alone, so many of us have one parent who is a bully and the other who is an enabler, and both woefully unskilled at actual parenting

Yes I think this is more accurate. I was very headstrong and got my period very early so I was a ball of hormones!

It's very telling that the only person bothering to see if op was ok was not an immediate family member. So they are either complicit in the bullying or grateful that if he picks on op then he is leaving them alone.
As to the pp who thinks we are all terminally offended. We're not, we just don't think it's right to throw something at someone and not even apologise.

Stop blaming yourself Op!

Dr Ramani Durvasala has a lot of videos on YouTube for helping people to deal with a difficult parent (among other things). You might find them useful.

It’s just a suggestion

Where did op say she stormed out? She said she left the room. Stop adding your own version to the mix.

Does your mother not feel a responsibility to keep your father in check re his attitude towards you? What about your other siblings? Do they discuss this with you?

It's bad enough that his behaviour negatively impacts your life. My concern is that he's going to continue this nonsense with your child/children.

Your teenage years sound pretty standard. You rebelled a bit. It happens. But now you've matured. Does your Dad have control issues? Controlling parents don't cope well with 'rebellious' teens. But he needs to get over himself if that's the underlying cause of his attitude towards you.

I think it’s also ok to step away from our parents.

You don’t need to go completely no contact but just distancing yourself and creating boundaries.

I rarely see my parents and tbh I wish I did if years ago but felt I needed to see them ‘as they’re my parents’.

I think when you have kids yourself you start questioning your parents actions more.

Have your siblings or mother ever pulled him up on his behaviour towards you? Surely they must have seen it over the years.

On the surface yes it looks trivial but behind the scenes it isn’t, as you have had a problematic relationship with him since being a teen. He didn’t speak to you for over a year ffs! What did your mum do about that situation, did she not speak to him about it?

It sounds like you will probably never really get on. I wouldn’t distance myself from the rest of the family but can understand why you wouldn’t want to spend much time with your dad in future.

Honestly I'd go nuts if someone threw a cork at my face during a good natured chat.

It does seem that if everyone was taking the mick out of him, good natured or not, maybe he was getting slowly wound up, and all it took was your nod of agreement for him to react - he probably had had enough of the "good natured" ribbing by that point, and your nod/giggle tipped him over the edge. You bore the brunt. Maybe he didn't find the teasing as funny as you all thought. Doesn't mean he should go around lobbing corks at people, of course.

I can’t believe anyone thinks you’re overreacting. If someone threw something at my face I would throw it right back at them.

Same. I wouldn't be able to help myself. If someone throws something at my face I'm throwing it right back.

Your dad is a disgrace OP. Can you just not see him? Stop trying to keep the peace, that just facilitates unhealthy relationships, don't expose your child to this grossly unhealthy dynamic. I would be backing away quietly from the lot of them.

I'm finding the responses to this thread extremely odd. Why why why would a man throw a cork at his daughter's face??? I thoroughly dislike my father, he is an utterly shit parent, but he would never ever do that and if he did I would very strongly question him on wtf he was thinking. I think leaving the room is a very very mild response.

Your father has some sort of issue with you OP. That's not your fault, no matter how wild or rebellious you were. Everyone else in your family ignores the issue because they're too weak to address it. It's a shit position to be in, but you don't have to put up with it.

Why not invite him for a cup of tea and lay it all out there. Say you want to be closer but don’t understand why you seem to be disliked.

Might as well.

I think leaving the room is a very very mild response.

Yes.

I would have gone home.

I would have felt really humiliated for my husband to see me treated like that.

Let's turn this around and say everyone here who thinks this is fine, how would you all be with your dh's throwing something at your face?

I'm so sorry OP.

I think it's very telling that the only person who came to check on you is someone outside of your family unit, who has the ability to see your father and his behaviour for what it is.

You are the child he couldn't control and who wouldn't toe the line, and so in his alpha male head, you 'deserve' to be punished for disrespecting him and emasculating him.

He is a controlling bully and you will never be able to win his love. He wants you to feel rejected because that gives him back the power he lost to you when you were a child.

Your mum clearly enables his behaviour and will not support you. I won't condemn her for that because who knows what her life is like with your father behind closed doors, but the fact that she has always sided with him over you means you'll get no help there.

It's important for your own sake that you acknowledge you are not the problem. You have done nothing wrong. Your father is the one at fault, and in order to protect yourself and your own child going forward, limiting time with your family is the only way to manage this situation. He will never admit there is a problem and he will never want to talk about it, because that would be acknowledging fault, and he's never going to do that.

You have been failed by both of your parents and that is so hard to come to terms with. Perhaps some therapy would be a good New Year's present for yourself.

I would not give anyone who made me feel humiliated, and like a black sheep any more of my time I think your mum should have a word with him to be honest and he should apologise. I would be furious if my partner threw something in my daughters face don’t waste time on people who make you feel uncomfortable or teach your son that it’s acceptable to treat you like that. You can only have a joking relationship with somebody that takes it well and is not offended otherwise it’s bullying.

Thank you.

I think the behaviour has just been accepted by the other members of my family. Again, I’m not sure why. Maybe they’re just glad it’s not them.

he would never talk about it. He has only ever come to my house once which was when I needed help building a wardrobe. I have invited him but he has never come.

I have thought about therapy so many times, I think I’m ready for it now.

I must come from a strange family. While
dysfunctional and somewhat toxic we never threw things at each other in frustration or to prove points or shut down conversation. That is totally inappropriate and violent behaviour.

you can justify it as being in jest but given the power dynamic and history it really isn’t. They don’t appear to have the kind of relationship where throwing things in jest is done. It was a violent and deliberately humiliating act to regain control and show power.

OP you can’t change him. You will never improve the relationship. It may be you remind him too much of himself as you say you’re alike and he doesn’t like himself much - that’s still not an excuse.

You have to decide whether you accept this behaviour or stand up for yourself and stop it now. Do you want your child growing up seeing his mother disrespected like this? That your mother and siblings didn’t stop him or tell him off is also very telling. It makes their lives easier to have you be the brunt of his behaviour. Remove yourself from the situation and someone else will become the focus. Don’t martyr yourself to save your siblings from it. Call him out, walk away, have self respect. It’s not easy but you deserve better. I say this as the scapegoat child but I’ve learned to stand my ground and I do get more respect for it and I maintain relationships on my terms now. Be kind to yourself it’s a huge revelation to deal with.