To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

[LuckyGreenLion]

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

I sure am. Solidarity too. 2025 was the year I spent a lot of time thinking about it and massively healed from this precipitated by the loss of my lovely but enabling emotional buffer mother last year. It's a crap place to be.

The not speaking to you for 2 years is horrifyingly abusive.
Only on MN is the abuse of women and children so staunchly defended.
It is a site which defends horrific abuse by men no matter what.

Your father is a nasty vicious bully and your mother tolerating it, means she is no better.

Please stay away from them both and see your siblings away from them completely.
You deserve so much better.
Consider some counselling.
This is not on you.

Because if you did you wouldn't be minimising and gaslighting the OP!

Hi Op, I think you are definitely right to distance yourself from your father. I don't think anyone should have to spend time with someone who doesn't like them just because you are related. Pay attention to what you feel here not what other people are saying or societal expectations about how you should love and respect your dad. If he is making you feel bad you have every right not to spend time with him.

And ignore everyone who thinks that it's hilarious to have something thrown at their face. It's only fun if both people find it funny.

Your dad for whatever reason doesn't like you and behaves accordingly. I suspect that it is to do with you being a typical headstrong teenager and this affecting his self esteem because he couldn't control you. It seems he has held a grudge against you. Two years not talking to you! Those are not the actions of a loving parent. Whatever the reason is remember, you have not done anything wrong he is the one responsible for this behaviour and making you feel bad. Don't feel like you have to put up with it.

My heart goes out to you OP.
Something thrown in your face is just nasty, and no you didn't overreact.
I agree you should get counselling. I recently started couples therapy after years of putting it off. It has really helped me understand why my DH and I are the way we are, and a lot of it stems from childhood. Hopefully it helps you understand the dynamics with your dad and brings you some peace.

Absolutely distance yourself. I wouldn’t speak to him again going forward. Nothing for Father’s Day, birthday, Xmas. I’d also be questioning my mother and wider family’s reactions. Just see less of them. Be cool. Take back conrol.

Nor me. A thrown cork doesn’t sound worthy of a flounce and sulk. 🤷‍♀️

By being the butt of the joke your father felt threatened with a loss of control. He threw the cork in your face to regain control.
By leaving the room you then became the unreasonable one in that situation (you weren't unreasonable at all) instead of him not being able to take a joke.

This is the role of scapegoat he has put you in.
It allows him to keep up his facade to the rest of the family, but underneath he is the toxic bully, not you the 'unruly, emotional or negative 'one.

I bet your mum has been ground down over the years, so much so she wasn't able to defend you. Children of toxic parents have a difficult time accepting the non toxic parent didn't protect them more.

Good luck OP I wish you all the best. None of this is your fault.

Tbh that was my first thought. It may not be the case but it isn’t a reach either.

What is your relationship with your mother like OP? Has she never called your dad out on his behaviour? In the two years of him ignoring you did she never ask him why? Have you and her never had a private conversation and discussed his behaviour and treatment of you?

If she's never acknowledged it or spoken with you about it I think I'd find that just as hurtful how he treats you.

Do you honestly think it’s acceptable to refuse to speak to your teenage daughter for two years? Cos I’m a teacher and that’d definitely be reported as a safeguarding concern in any school I’ve ever worked in.

@LuckyGreenLion
Please be very mindful of the fact that your father’s dislike of you will VERY likely pass down to your DCs.

Very sadly, he will favour your sibling’s DCs over yours.

It would be worth you reading up on the psychology behind this.

Forewarned is forearmed 💐

You are the scapegoat. He was annoyed and you got the brunt of it because he wouldn’t pull this stunt either anyone else. Your mother enables his bad behaviour and will make excuses for him until the cows come home. I but up with us for years . Now I don’t.

No one outside of the family, or that room, can tell you whether your dad’s actions were malicious or playful. But, do your siblings agree that you’re treated differently.

I have a sister who is treated differently, by my mother. To this day I don’t know why. My mum would deny it, but she knows.

I can totally believe this and your reaction is reasonable. My stepdad didn’t speak to me for around 6 years when I was a teen. Just arsehole men being arsehole men.
A previous poster is right, you’re starting to see through the fog and he will hate you even more for putting your boundaries in place and standing up for yourself.

There is nothing good natured about throwing a cork in the OP's face when (primarily) the siblings were all ribbing him. @LuckyGreenLion you have every right to be upset about this , and I guess this is just the latest in a long line of microaggressions from your dad over many years. I would have been very upset too. I get the sense that you are always the person he lashes out at. Therapy would be a good place to unpick this and how it has affected you. And I don't mean that you are the problem, because clearly your dad has major issues.

I would arrange for a meet and a proper chat with your Mum. She would be a good point to start with. You have nothing to lose at this stage so I would be open and ask why your Dad has been so distant. Has she noticed? She is the closest person to him, and one of yours too I’m guessing, so see what she says about it. It might be that there is an odd reason or explanation, it might be that she’s never noticed. But once you’ve had that conversation, you may have a better idea of how to proceed.
If it were me I would have to explore this before distancing myself, so that I am confident I’ve tried everything I can to find answers. I would worry and overthink in years to come if I hadn’t tried reaching out, but deffo start with Mum (or a sibling?)

I was the scapegoat in my family. My brothers never admitted that I was emotionally abused. One actually silently joined in.

You may never get acknowledgement or validation from family or siblings as it would mean that they would have to admit that they contributed to the unfair hierarchy. They would also have to face up to the fact that their family is dysfunctional. The role of the scapegoat is to absorb the tension and stress from the family. Without the scapegoat, the siblings panic and dont know where to direct tension.

Yeah, me too, with a comment like 'Oi, Dad, WTF do you think you're doing??'
(And if he can't take it, he shouldn't dish it out. But that's bullies all over. )
I realise it might be difficult but could you perhaps try to be a bit more assertive with him? It sounds like he needs to learn to respect you more, and standing up to him might help.

This exact thing happened to me ,strange behaviour when my Dad wasn't the centre of attention , he would lash out, like walking on egg shells all the time growing up , preferring my sister,I stopped contact when I had young children as he then went on to have affairs which years later he said he was sorry for.

I realise now that he was putting on an act in my company as he moved away and we saw each other occasionally.
I felt uneasy and never left him alone with my children .

He has always been sneaky and have a temper.

At a family wedding he could not behave himself and was a huge embarrassment and it was then I decided to go non contact for my own mental health and to protect my family.

I am so sorry that this happened to you .
So many people have had Christmas spoilt by family members .
You don't expect a parent to do this to an adult child.
I think it's narcissistic behaviour.
Just because they are old doesn't mean that they are meek and mild .
I think you should set boundaries to.protect yourself or consider not visiting him .

Many siblings of scapegoats completely buy in the idea that the scapegoat is dramatic / attention seeking / caused the problem by not being a perfect teenager. In toxic family dynamics all the siblings have been brought up in an unhealthy environment so you really can’t rely on any of their judgements tbh. I’d be more interested in what newcomers (eg brother’s girlfriend and OPs DH) think.

It's hard to believe some of the responses on here. The level of emotional intelligence on MN can be really high but fucking hell it does scrape the barrel too. Some posters should be really ashamed of themselves.

OP, I think therapy would be a really good idea. I really feel for you. My dad rarely spoke to me - he would only do it if he needed to know where my mum was and there was nobody else to ask. I do understand.

I’m sorry your dad sounds like a plonker. I think you need to lower your expectations for him to zero and then he’ll never disappoint!
I suspect there is some family history you are not aware of - like you remind him of a family member he is angry with. I know you feel certain he is your biological dad … but he might not think you are. Does he have a brother? I would do an ancestory dna test if I was you. Or maybe he was going to leave your mother but stayed when she fell pregnant with you.

It’s not really about a cork though is it?

He sounds like a piece of work. I am not surprised you were hurt and upset. Just out of curiosity have you ever called him out on his ignoring you? "Dad, are you going to ask what I'd like to drink?" "Am I imagining it or are you completely blanking me?" What do your siblings think? Have you discussed it? Do they notice it? I think it is telling that your SIL followed you out and not family. I suspect it is so much of your collective normality they don't even see it.

I would be tempted to call it out. Make it clear you don't tolerate shitty treatment and go from there. x