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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

214 replies

LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 12:09

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkles · 28/12/2025 13:51

My family take this piss and have been known to chuck stuff at each other. Plenty of water fights too. But everyone is involved, nobody gets singled out, we NEVER aim at faces and if someone was shocked or upset the apologies would be swift and thorough. Because we’re not a family of twats.

Sorry for the rant, OP, but all those excusing your DF have really pissed me off! His behaviour isn’t normal, even within families who are more rough and tumble.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 28/12/2025 13:52

Thats abusive Op. And to not speak to you for the rest of the day is so cruel.

Interesting how it was your brothers partners who checked on you and no one else.

Your family dynamic is horrible and you appear to be bottom of the ladder. Get away from these people.

Twiglets1 · 28/12/2025 13:53

I think you overreacted.

I can imagine my husband throwing a cork playfully at my daughter (especially after a drink) and her either laughing along or getting annoyed depending on her mood. It was a silly moment that is being blown up into something it wasn't. Possibly because you want a reason to distance yourself from your Dad, I don't know.

Goldwren1923 · 28/12/2025 13:54

Notmyreality · 28/12/2025 13:51

The response depends entirely on whether he threw the cork in jest as a continuation of the joke or he threw it with malice and with force. Not of us were there and it seems OPs perhaps not the most reliable witness.

Despite what some have said that “throwing something at someone is never acceptable” don’t be so dramatic. Of course it is in certain playful situations. I’ve thrown things, my partner and other people have thrown things…all depends on the thing and the context.

Even if he threw it in jest and then it hit someone in the face and upset that person, the only correct thing would be to apologise.

neither he nor OP mum asked her how she felt and not apologised. He then also didn’t speak to her all evening.

really?

Eyeshadow · 28/12/2025 13:54

OP was the cork thrown as part of the joke or with malice and out of anger - these are 2 very different things.

I often throw things or hit people with wrapping paper tubes but purely out of fun.
I would never do it with anger.

Obviously the intention behind it, is more relevant than the act.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 28/12/2025 13:56

It’s not bloody funny if the other person isn’t laughing! Honestly, 5yo children can grasp this idea so how grown adults are being so deliberately obtuse is beyond me.

Goldwren1923 · 28/12/2025 13:56

LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 13:51

Sorry, I’m not trying to cause arguments.

my dad and my relationship has been extremely tricky since I was about ten years old. I have a sister a couple of years younger who was and is very much into the same stuff as my dad - think football, music, running.

i am not into any of that. My youngest sister is extremely academic, which I am not.

I think from the age of 15-17 my dad did not speak to me. At that age, I dug my heels in and I didn’t speak to him either. I was probably the most rebellious growing up, I would talk back, I drank, I smoked and he didn’t like that part of me. I could not tell you the last time he gave me a compliment. Not even on my wedding day. I do not seek external validation from him or really anyone but just trying to paint a picture. I feel like I have had a lifetime of trying to win him over. I don’t feel as though anything I do is good enough.

I am open to the idea that I overreacted. I’m okay with that if I did. I guess I was trying to gauge if I had or not. I thought that was kind of the point of this. I don’t think I acted like a baby but am willing to say that leaving the room could have been seen as an overreaction.

My final two thoughts, I didn’t teach my son to spit on anyone, he is 2.5 and will occasionally spit when he tries to blow out a candle/the fire. I would never allow him to spit on someone intentionally. He was next to my dad as he tried to blow out the fire whilst pretending to be fireman Sam. I think my dad was exaggerating when he said he was “covered in spit” for comedic effect. And lastly, my mum didn’t have an affair. I am my dad’s daughter.

Hi OP.

is there anything you may have witnessed at 10 years old that made the dynamic change and made him to dislike you or pick
on you?
something shameful that he did? (Not necessarily to you but this cannot also be excluded?)
Eg you saw him having an affair perhaps without you realising?

InMyOodie · 28/12/2025 13:57

I can't believe people are twisting this to claim having something thrown at your face can be 'playful' or 'good natured'. The man is a pig who doesn't like his own daughter and then gives her the silent treatment for the day.

Very often the child who calls an abusive parent on their behaviour is the one iced out while the others are conditioned to see them as oversensitive.

Izzywizzy85 · 28/12/2025 13:57

He sounds vile. It was a joke until you were involved, then he threw something at you to humiliate you and put you in your place. Disgusting. I wish your siblings or parents would have called him out.

CountFucula · 28/12/2025 13:57

Throwing something at someone’s face is just nasty and an escalation of what sounds like light hearted behaviour. It targets the OP. It is aggressive and bullying.
OP: My guess is that you remind him of himself and he wasn’t treated well when in the larger family group. He is replaying that with you and all the old negative feelings he has about himself are being played out using you as his butt.
Pretty unforgivable behaviour in my book. I’d distance myself and when you are ready you can ask him to reflect on it.
Could you be braver with your mum? Can you say to her: he treats me badly when we are all together and the cork throwing is a manifestation of that. Speak clearly about this and air it.

Izzywizzy85 · 28/12/2025 13:58

Eyeshadow · 28/12/2025 13:54

OP was the cork thrown as part of the joke or with malice and out of anger - these are 2 very different things.

I often throw things or hit people with wrapping paper tubes but purely out of fun.
I would never do it with anger.

Obviously the intention behind it, is more relevant than the act.

If it was a joke why did he ignore the op for the rest of the day? It was an embarrassing tantrum by a fully grown man.

LeroyJenkinssss · 28/12/2025 13:58

I find the responses here so odd and shows that context and history are everything. My dad, who would use corporal punishment on us as kids, would never ever throw something at my face. If he did that, I would certainly leave the room and be pretty upset by it. If he’s never done anything like this in the past, it’s not part of his jokey personality.

also did he genuinely not speak to you for two years?! That’s awful behaviour and I think you’d be right to create some distance.

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2025 14:00

T1Dmama · 28/12/2025 12:23

This is hard.. because there’s obviously much more to this, years of similar incidents and you feeling rejected which has now caused what reads like you being over sensitive to a gesture.. but hopefully people can see that this is historical and your upset comes from a place of years of hurt….
If my Dad did this I know it would be a bit of fun, and that he’d have done it to any of us..
If you are treated differently these are things that need answering:

  1. Are all the other siblings opposite sex to you?
  2. Are you oldest/youngest?
  3. Is there any chance you aren’t biologically his? Or he thinks you might not be?

I agree with this. There is always a backstory.

Whatever is going on is not ok. I wish posters wouldn’t diminish it, as some have, by saying OP was sulking. Please read up on toxic family dynamics, OP. Your father actively dislikes you and shuns or insults you while behaving perfectly well with others. You are his scapegoat and target. For whatever reason.

If you love and feel safe around your siblings I hope you can limit time with dad while still keeping them in your life. But very often everyone relies on the scapegoat to keep the father’s anger focused away from them.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 28/12/2025 14:01

GrooveArmada · 28/12/2025 12:16

Hard to say. If it was playful and that's his sense of humour then YABU. If he did this and it was mean-spirited and his way of getting at you then YANBU. It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with him so why are you thinking twice about distancing yourself? It shouldn't really be an issue? You don't have to go nuclear NC but you can limit time you spend with him. Is there any back story here, when did this all start/has it always been this way? Why are you trying to please him even now, as an adult? I think with some people it makes sense to let go, even if you feel misguided sense of responsibility for maintaining or improving your relationship with them.

Edited

How can it be his sense of humor when he only does it to OP? And she also mentioned they have always had a difficult relationship while she was growing up.

And even if it was his sense of humor he would be a dick to continue doing things that she obviously don't want like, that's like people who continue to make fun of others while hiding behind "it's just banter"

Notmyreality · 28/12/2025 14:01

Goldwren1923 · 28/12/2025 13:54

Even if he threw it in jest and then it hit someone in the face and upset that person, the only correct thing would be to apologise.

neither he nor OP mum asked her how she felt and not apologised. He then also didn’t speak to her all evening.

really?

Show quote history

Maybe she stormed off before anyone could say anything, and everyone is looking around the table at each rolling their eyes going “here she goes again!” Maybe someone went to check on her saying with a big ‘here we
go again sigh’ “Well, suppose someone should check on her (more eye rolls). Maybe the DF not talking to her that evening is because he is tired of her over the top reactions and he is waiting for her to apologise?
Alternatively he could be a complete arsehole.
With only OPs version of events it isnt possible to conclude either way. OP has
just posted about her son not spitting and she thinks they may have been joking. Well it’s pretty obvious they were joking. OP is increasingly coming across as someone who perhaps struggles to read other people and who takes offense/get defensive quickly.

diddl · 28/12/2025 14:03

It seems to me that the dad was fine with the "joke" until Op joined in.

Why didn't he feel the need to throw something at the sister who made the "joke"?

Why not throw something at everyone?

Original poster
LuckyGreenLion · 28/12/2025 14:05

LeroyJenkinssss · 28/12/2025 13:58

I find the responses here so odd and shows that context and history are everything. My dad, who would use corporal punishment on us as kids, would never ever throw something at my face. If he did that, I would certainly leave the room and be pretty upset by it. If he’s never done anything like this in the past, it’s not part of his jokey personality.

also did he genuinely not speak to you for two years?! That’s awful behaviour and I think you’d be right to create some distance.

He really didn’t speak to me. My older sibling didn’t drink or “go out” and so I think (because I’m not entirely sure why else) that was part of it. he would walk into a room and ignore me, he wouldn’t look at me while we sat at a table eating dinner.

This has continued into adult life, he has been known to ask others (for example) what drink they would each like and then just ignore me. I have a good job, I have a good husband and a lovely child, I don’t drink or smoke anymore or ask for anything really. It’s sad that it’s still like this.

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 28/12/2025 14:07

See, if this had happened to me I would of laughed it off but if it had happened to my sister she would of been really upset - my brother and I regularly get long emails from her explaining why she's upset and she's feeling anxious about seeing us, it's really difficult because non of it's been intentional.

What I would say is have you spoken to your Dad about your relationship. He didn't speak to you after it happened but he might be worried about saying the wrong things again. Sometimes I avoid my sisters phone calls because I just don't have the time to dissect something happened on a Christmas day years ago or all the things she thinks are wrong with our family.

Winederlust · 28/12/2025 14:08

Eyeshadow · 28/12/2025 13:32

I have.
OP has not given any other examples and so it’s difficult to tell if she genuinely is treated poorly or if she’s just dramatic and tries to be different.

Show quote history

And yet you appear to have decided which of those it is anyway.

diddl · 28/12/2025 14:08

This has continued into adult life, he has been known to ask others (for example) what drink they would each like and then just ignore me.

I don't know why you bother with him at all.

He seems to enjoy humiliating you/putting you in your place.

CountFucula · 28/12/2025 14:09

He sounds like a real prick, OP

TittyGajillions · 28/12/2025 14:10

Eyeshadow · 28/12/2025 13:12

Sorry OP but I think YABU.

You were all joking around and you jokingly admitted that you taught your son to spit when he blew - he carried the joke on by throwing something small at you (which you admit didn’t hurt you and wasn’t intended to) but you got offended.

You say he’d never do this to your siblings - to me this shows he’s more comfortable around you.

From this 1 scenario you are the U one and it’s almost like you want to be different which is why you had to leave the room to cause a drama.
Obviously we don’t know your relationship and so this could have been the last straw type thing.

The mental gymnastics you had to perform to come up with that response are stunning!

ChattyCatty25 · 28/12/2025 14:10

YABU, you have overreacted to your dad trying to include you in the ribbing and silliness, because of your general bad relationship with him.

Also to be honest, you sound like you were a little shit as a teenager. You have to take some responsibility for your part in the negative consequences of this.

The problems started from your own bad behaviour, and your dad not having adequate parenting skills to deal with it. Then neither of you have been able to fix the relationship since.

diddl · 28/12/2025 14:11

See, if this had happened to me I would of laughed it off but if it had happened to my sister she would of been really upset

So why would the parent do it to the one it upsets & not just the ones it doesn't?