To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

[LuckyGreenLion]

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

Op, let me say this clearly.

Your father was, and is abusive towards you. Instead of apologising, he doubled down and froze you out. You are being gaslit to believe you overreacted. You did not overreact. What he did was vile, abusive, humiliating and appears to be an act of dominance by degrading you like that.

Scapegoats are notorious for blaming themselves as we have been conditioned to internalise blame.

I am not taking offence to anything said. I was explaining what I had initially meant about my son spitting. I was trying to explain to people who had said that I had taught my son to spit on people.

I don’t think I am bad at reading people. That’s quite a lot of what my job entails.

Seriously?! She smoked and drank as a teenager so it’s okay that her dad gave her silent treatment for YEARS?! Silent treatment is abusive. And if you can’t parent a child without resorting to abuse then you’ve no business being a parent at all tbh.

OP, the more you say the worse it sounds. I would really consider some counselling.

The context and history OP gave is everything.

OP your father sounds like a prick and really doesn’t like you and continues to make that very clear. Is there a way to stop bothering with him that keeps a decent relationship with your mum if you want that?

Bloody hell he sounds vile. What happens if he asks everyone what they want to drink and misses you out? Does someone say 'oh you missed (OP) out, what is she having?' Do you say anything? Or does everyone just pretend that it's not happening?

I don't agree with the poster who said that you brought this on yourself by your teenage behaviour. Drinking, smoking and going out are pretty normal teenage things, and not talking to your child who does these things for two whole years is completely extreme, and nasty

I can’t believe anyone thinks you’re overreacting. If someone threw something at my face I would throw it right back at them.

You absolutely need to stick up for yourself, it was either a disrespectful act or an aggressive act. You shouldn’t tolerate either.

He obviously knows you won’t stick up for yourself and he sounds like a bully. He probably treats you like this because he needs someone to pick on and he thinks you’re an easy target.

Try to stop being upset and get angry. Smoking and drinking isn’t a reason to give your child the silent treatment for 2 years. Would you treat your child this way?

Well, who knows if it was a playful throw that hit in her face or he aimed it to hit her between the eyes 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you can sense that he doesn't like you as much as your siblings then it's understandable that you feel he wouldn't have done that to them. Whilst it may have been playful, I can understand why you felt shocked and upset. It's difficult when you are not liked by a parent, when compared to how they are with siblings, and you don't understand why. Maybe thinking about redefining your thoughts around yourself, in relation to the family dynamic, might help to empower you moving forward. Keep contact on your terms in a way that best shields you from interactions that trigger feelings of being 2nd best to your siblings. It sounds like you are pretty sure he doesn't like you in the same was as them - you cannot change this. People like who they like and feel how they feel. Hard as that is (and I know it's really unfair for parents to obviously favour siblings), you can't change it and it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or are unlikeable. It's purely something that he feels but please don't internalise that as your doing/fault or that your siblings are in any way better than you. They aren't. It's just one of the inexplicable and unfair things in life. But you can decide how you want to deal with it, moving forward, in a way that doesn't deny the reality of the situation. Sending kindest wishes in this. It's a tough one.

I dont think yabu..Xmas/not.
He knew what he was doing . And did it anyway. I think i would be limiting my son and my time with him and telling him why and that he as your dad , needs to stop having "Peter Pan syndrome" e.g. the boy who didn't grow up.

Whether it was thrown in malice or in jest is irrelevant. What is most telling is the lack of any apology (oops sorry didn't mean to throw it so hard/at/hit your face eg) and the silent treatment afterwards. Those are not the actions of a reasonable parent.

The fact that her dad is a twat who has treated her badly for years, and the fact he doesn’t do it to his other kids both suggest he wasn’t being kind by throwing something at her face ffs.

Good for you. I once gave my uncle a black eye so I'm with you. He was pushing my boundaries and he did it once too many times. I decked him and refused to apologise. Proudest moment of my life.

OP, you aren't being unreasonable at all. I also think your mother isn't blameless in this, she should have stood up for you instead of just minimising your father's behaviour. Does she have form for expecting you to 'not make waves' and keep the peace?

The terminally offended will of course scream in horror and call him "abusive".

Same ones who faint and call Ofsted, the school governors, the DM to complain that their child has been HUMILIATED because a teacher made a harmless jokey comment.

They love to find something to be offended and aghast about, so they will rush to this thread.

OP, yes your father sounds awful and you have no business putting yourself out to be around him.
Stop denying his awful behaviour.
Going forward, invest in your inlaws and see your mother away from the house.
Has your mother stood by and allowed this?
If so you owe her little too.
See your siblings separately.
Life is too short for tolerabeing treated poorly simply because tgey are family.
Mind yourself.

Oh and throwing things at you is assault and designed to humiliate you.
There is enormous relief from going NC with such twats.
I certainly wouldn't all such a man near my precious children.

This. Being a typical teenager does not equate to the silent treatment. If it did the world would be silent.
Ops dad sounds like an arsehole and no matter how many ways pp try to blame her for "storming out" they're wrong. People have a right to be upset by others actions.
I would maybe go lc op and don't give him the opportunity to hurt you.

OP please repost on the relationship board, there’s far more to this than the cork throwing. It’s very plain to see from some of the responses on this thread that some people just don’t ’get it’. It sounds to me like the fog is starting to clear a bit for you.

I may have missed it but I don’t think 1 poster has mentioned you actually teaching your son to spit on people.

The fact that you feel you have read this in black and white and no one has said this (I may be mistaken) could be an indicator that you are sensitive and take things the wrong way.

This is probably a response because of how your dad has treated you in the past and so you are going to be on high alert.

I think you overreacted and it doesn’t sound like it was malicious.
Its a shame, as what was fun was made into a big drama and it didn’t need to be that way.
Your dad was pathetic to not speak to you but it sounds like you may have taken offence if he had.
But with your history then it’s understandable why you’d be so quick to take offence.

It definitely is.

I have spent a lot of time tolerating his attitude towards me because I want to keep the peace in my family. But I do often feel hurt by him and I know I don’t stick up for myself. I’m starting to think I should do more.

I also would repost but this is my first time posting and I don’t really know how to do things on here!

Have you ever asked your mum why he treats you as though he likes you less than the others? Or asked him directly, for that matter?

It sounds incredibly hurtful and not something you should have to put up with.

Do your siblings treat you with respect and do they notice the difference in how he treats you?

Op if you click on the three dots at the top right of your post, you can click report & ask MN to move this thread if you wish.

I can't understand anyone thinking you are being U. There's no such thing as playfully throwing something unexpectedly at someone across the table in my book. The dad massively overreacted, OP did not.

@ShawnaMacallister : but being berated unkindly by an emotionally immature parent who has behaved similarly your whole life is particularly triggering

All this is so true, and the description I’ve put in bold was a breakthrough moment for me - I hope it helps @LuckyGreenLion, too, but thanks from me, and solidarity if you are speaking from experience.