To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

[LuckyGreenLion]

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

Maybe he shouldn’t cause an atmosphere by throwing things at his child’s face

Because it was OPs child that was spitting when he blew and she agreed that she taught him to spit.

They were sat at the table and so if it was going to hit her, it would be her face, head or upper body.

I also had a difficult relationship for decades with my dad, as we were so alike. Now that he's dead I can reflect on my own part in this, and if I could relive our time together I'd try to be less sensitive/dramatic.

I have.
OP has not given any other examples and so it’s difficult to tell if she genuinely is treated poorly or if she’s just dramatic and tries to be different.

Did he playfully throw the cork at you? or do it to hurt you?

Me and my family, and actually me and in the in-laws always seem to end up throwing things at each other at family gatherings. Usually balled-up wrapping paper. At summer BBQs, there is inevitably a water fight, and it's the adults, not the kids 😅

Maybe he did it to you and not your siblings because he feels closer to you?

I wouldn't put yourself down by saying that you and your dad are very similar. Would you treat your children how he's treated you? I'm just saying this because occasionally people have said to me "You're both as bad as each other" about my mum and me. Except that she clearly had EUPD and I very clearly don't have a personality disorder. It's very invalidating.

It's incredibly rude to throw things at people, especially at the table and especially at their face.

It is very clear that your position in the family is indeed black sheep and your dad has brought this about. Your mum failed to stand up for you. Your siblings let it go as well.

You are lucky to have your own little family and a lovely extended family on your husband's side.

You should now decide what you want:

1. Carry on as you are, treading on eggshells at family gatherings. Your husband and son will pick up on the vibes and discomfort as you navigate your dad's bullying.
2. Go NC with the lot of them, but you need to be sure that your new family on your hasband's side will be a permanent replacement
3. Tackle them all about your shit position. They will all cave in and agree that they are in the wrong and everything will be great from now on.
4. Go LC because cutting off contact will cause a war and you want your inheritance

My preferred option would be to get my husband on side. Next time your dad throws shade or table items at you, your husband laughs loudly and chucks a roast potato at your dad, or calls him a name. Let's see what your bully dad does when a man stands up to him. it's only fucking banter isn't it?

I'm not sure AIBU is going to give you the help you need OP (with notable exceptions). I wonder if you're only recently starting to see the truth of your Dad's feelings towards you? We can live in denial for decades, believe me.

I don't want to write more as I don't think it's the place, but I would suggest talking it over with a good counsellor

Better to ask in the Stately Homes thread as many people on here don't have much understanding of toxic families. Good for them but they shouldn't be commenting...but then they don't know that do they? :)

Cannot believe some responses, how mn changes from day to day.

No. You are NOT being unreasonable.
Your dad threw something at you. That is absolutely not acceptable.

How dare he!!! And your mum is making excuses for him.

Speaking from experience. Create distance. Create a fuss. This cannot be allowed. You must now show him you will not put up with his shitty, bullying behaviour.

I hope you're OK, sending love x

He threw that her face. This is not normal adult behaviour

You clearly have no understanding of what years of denied love does to a person.

Aargh, only read the first few responses, so apols to more thoughtful people later, but those early responders are being so unimaginative. This person is obviously conscientious, she has tracked the conversation in a very detailed way, she has described it in very low-key language, not in a score-settling or venting way. She has responded constructively to people's challenges.

She does not strike me as someone who has a self-serving bias, more of a people pleaser and accomodater, who would rather blame herself than others to avoid conflict.

TBH it really feels to me like her Dad does have some issue with her and she's sensitive enough to know it. Nobody else is on that wavelength and they are all gaslighting her there's nothing to see. But she can see it.

So dear OP I validate you, it's a tough spot to be in, the only way forward is to hold on to your own reality, which involves costs, not least that it feels very uncomfortable if you're not used to doing it.

But so does going along with everybody else's version involve costs.

I second anybody who says talk it over with a counsellor. If that is your kind of thing.

I’m unashamedly reposting this because I think it’s bang on.

Your dad is an asshole.
he hasn’t even apologised.

yes you will be completely justified to distance yourself from him

Who are the 20% saying yabu??

OP distancing yourself from your dad sounds like a good idea. For whatever reason he doesn’t like you and your mum’s reaction to this situation alone tells me she knows it too. Everyone is relying on you putting up with it to keep the peace. As long as you do this it will continue as such.

If there are family members you want a relationship with then have those away from him and make it clear to them you will no longer tolerate how your dad treats you. It will be hard but unfortunately it’s likely your son will also be a recipient if you continue to give him access to you like this.

Playful enough that two people came to check if she was ok after it happened. You're gaslighting and it's seriously unpleasant

Are you the family scapegoat Op? I was too. Look it up. You're the one they get their frustration out on, the buffer.

In scapegoat familys, there is an unspoken hierarchy. You are put in you place very quickly, and made to feel wrong, shame and guilt even though you never did anything wrong.

This is awful and I would be very upset too if someone threw something at my face. You are not imagining it, he is not nice to you.

It’s not your fault, but it is happening.

If OP said it was her partner or husband who threw the cork posters would be all over it saying it was unacceptable and abusive. But as it's an older parent it must be benign and a harmless joke. It's amazing how selective people's capacity to understand can be.

I do not agree with your stance.

The dad escalated it by throwing something which is incredibly childish. Use words if upset, not throwing something at someone's face. He could have hit her in the eye. It's a stupid action and I would have been shocked too if someone chose to throw something at my face.

I absolutely agree.

Sorry, I’m not trying to cause arguments.

my dad and my relationship has been extremely tricky since I was about ten years old. I have a sister a couple of years younger who was and is very much into the same stuff as my dad - think football, music, running.

i am not into any of that. My youngest sister is extremely academic, which I am not.

I think from the age of 15-17 my dad did not speak to me. At that age, I dug my heels in and I didn’t speak to him either. I was probably the most rebellious growing up, I would talk back, I drank, I smoked and he didn’t like that part of me. I could not tell you the last time he gave me a compliment. Not even on my wedding day. I do not seek external validation from him or really anyone but just trying to paint a picture. I feel like I have had a lifetime of trying to win him over. I don’t feel as though anything I do is good enough.

I am open to the idea that I overreacted. I’m okay with that if I did. I guess I was trying to gauge if I had or not. I thought that was kind of the point of this. I don’t think I acted like a baby but am willing to say that leaving the room could have been seen as an overreaction.

My final two thoughts, I didn’t teach my son to spit on anyone, he is 2.5 and will occasionally spit when he tries to blow out a candle/the fire. I would never allow him to spit on someone intentionally. He was next to my dad as he tried to blow out the fire whilst pretending to be fireman Sam. I think my dad was exaggerating when he said he was “covered in spit” for comedic effect. And lastly, my mum didn’t have an affair. I am my dad’s daughter.

Depends on the family dynamic.

I have thrown a few things at my kids face just on Christmas and boxing day, either they laughed and said "my bad" or threw it back.

When everybody is laughing and you are joining into making a joke to your dad, in most families it's a non issue.

You are being ridiculous to be feel humiliated 😂.

The response depends entirely on whether he threw the cork in jest as a continuation of the joke or he threw it with malice and with force. Not of us were there and it seems OPs perhaps not the most reliable witness.

Despite what some have said that “throwing something at someone is never acceptable” don’t be so dramatic. Of course it is in certain playful situations. I’ve thrown things, my partner and other people have thrown things…all depends on the thing and the context.