To feel humiliated and to distance myself?

[LuckyGreenLion]

I spent Christmas Day with my in-laws who are lovely, kind people. This was the first Christmas Day I haven’t been with my immediate family so it was a big change. I had a fantastic day with them.

On Boxing Day, I was to go to my parents house with my siblings and everyone’s partners. I want to preface this next part with the fact that my dad and I have had a very hard relationship while I was growing up. I’m not entirely sure why, but do know we are very similar. I feel as though our relationship has improved but still feel as though when we are together with my other siblings, I get left out by him and he doesn’t really speak to me.

Anyway, after we had finished eating dinner we were all sitting around chatting and joking with one another. My siblings had made jokes at my dad’s expense, met by laughs. My dad then said that my son (2.5 years old) had been trying to blow out the fire and had covered my dad in spit. We all laughed and my sister said “it’s like we asked him to do it”. Again everyone laughed and I nodded my head and think (at most) I said “yeah”. My dad then picked up a cork that was on the table and threw it at my face. Obviously, it was only a cork and didn’t hurt me. But I was completely shocked that he had done this. I left the room and my brothers partner came to check if I was okay. My mum then came in and said that my dad hadn’t meant to hurt me. I said that I didn’t contest that he didn’t want to hurt me, and nor was I hurt. What I was upset about was that he had chosen to throw something at me. Something he would never even consider with my siblings. I did also feel upset because she didn’t ask if I was okay. He then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

I felt and continue to feel extremely humiliated. I don’t really understand what I have done to make him act like this towards me. Anytime I think about it, I get upset. I don’t want to go into a new year feeling unsure about why my dad acts this way with me. I do know that even if I were to ask, he would shut down and not talk to me. Am I unreasonable to distance myself? I’m tired of feeling like a black sheep in my family. I know that I am the least liked sibling and while that is hard to think about, I don’t know how to make this situation better.

I honestly can’t believe these responses. It isn’t okay for someone to throw something at your face unexpectedly. And if it was a playful throw gone awry he should have apologised immediately. But he didn’t and you were shocked - I’d trust that instinct tbh. We know when people are messing and accidentally do something over the line. If your DP had done this everyone would be screaming to LTB but your dad gets a free pass? Hell nah. I’d absolutely keep away from him.

Because some dads are arseholes? Favouritism of siblings is pretty common and rarely stems from secret paternity issues. I'm my dad's least favourite because I'm a girl, I'm not sporty, I'm chubby and I answer back. That's all it takes in some families.

Have you ever chatted with your mum about this? Maybe ask her why she thinks you and your dad have never got along.

“Not that much of an over reach”

amazing

To me, this is the danger when a family’s humour is based on taking the piss out of each other. It can turn on a sixpence and somebody gets angry or upset. Why were you even joking about getting your son to spit on someone anyway?

When I read OP's post at first I thought it was from my sister, because she is in the exact same situation. She has always been the scapegoat in the family, mainly from dad, and with everyone else too afraid to stand up to dad.

I think she is so similar to dad that dad gets annoyed when he sees her doing behaviours he doesn't like in himself. Due to their similarity they also pick up on each others' slight grumpy tone/slightly accusatory way of speaking and confront each other, whereas none of the rest of the family even notices much of the time.

She said it helps a lot having a sibling ally to talk to when it happens- could you speak to one of your siblings about it and ask them, when it happens again, to have your back?

Sorry you're going through this - preferential treatment of certain siblings definitely does happen but in our experience usually because similarity triggers (in the dad) frustration about his own unresolved stuff in his own personality, that he then projects back onto his kid

Not saying it’s ok to throw something at someone, but your reaction makes you sound like a massive baby. Complete overreaction.

I don't think given the history as you tell it you are being at all unreasonable. I think you could distance yourself - next year just have Christmas at your in laws and avoid him. I'd even put the message out that you don't feel welcome because of him and you'd like to reduce contact. I am sure you are really hurt by it and assuming that you are reading it right and you've had years of it, no one would blame you for stepping back.

But in doing this, he may ramp up a bit. You can't change him but you can change you. You will have to see him again here and there unless you cut off your whole family, for then, think about how you will react. When alone, try a 'grey rock' response with him, or maybe entirely ignore him where possible or when in a group put him on the back foot and play it like you don't understand...so 'why did you throw a cork at me dad?' ...he might say 'oh just a bit of fun' you say lightheartedly 'why's that funny?' - ask why a few times maybe then conclude with 'oh, okay then', you look bemused and you change the conversation, try not to be upset - that's what he is going for, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you wound up by him.

I get it OP. He threw it at you because that's the narrative, it's ok to take a frustration out on you but it would never happen so obviously to your siblings & they & their partners all know it which is worse.
You'll never change the miserable git so put some distance in. Have more sibling gatherings at your home or suggest meeting out and about. When you have to see your dad make it more fleeting and on your terms. Go and have a cuppa with your mum but make clear you'll be leaving in an hour because you have other things on. Don't linger. Be less accessible.

No one has to storm out for someone to go see if another person is ok.

Some can read and see by simple facial expression and body language if something hurt someone or not.

Do you like things being thrown at your face? Like it's a normal thing to do? Wtf

Do your siblings or DH feel your Dad treats you differently too? If so, can you arrange to go over there one day, with one of them for support, and ask him direct Why he treats you differently?
Nothing will change if the situation isn’t addressed.

You are not being over sensitive at all! An adult man who is supposed to love and care for you threw something at your face. It doesn’t matter if it didn’t leave a mark or if it was a light object it’s an abusive act intended to put you in your place.
I would avoid him where possible, see sisters/ mum out of the house / away frim him.
ignore /avoid him when in his company
Challenge him when he is rude, so say “why did you throw a cork at me? Did you want to hurt me?”
And if he ever starts to pull that crap with your dc id cut him off completely.

Last time I stayed at my dad's I washed up and knocked a glass off which smashed. He snapped at me that he told me not to wash up (he did, but in a don't trouble yourself kind of way) and I had to go to the bathroom to wash my face to avoid crying. I'm a professional manager in my 40s, I almost never cry, but being berated unkindly by an emotionally immature parent who has behaved similarly your whole life is particularly triggering. A little empathy would be appropriate.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, OP.

I think if it had been your DP/DH throwing a cork at your face, the reactions here may be different! I get that you were embarrassed: your siblings had been making jokes at your dad’s expense, and yet he decided to take it out on you, even though all you did was agree with the others.

And you don’t need to have stormed out for your brother‘s partner to follow you… I read this as she was thinking how you must have felt. Probably thinking how she would’ve felt if it had happened to her.

Do you think your Dad targets you as you are a soft touch? Would your siblings retaliate? Call him out?

Sorry OP but I think YABU.

You were all joking around and you jokingly admitted that you taught your son to spit when he blew - he carried the joke on by throwing something small at you (which you admit didn’t hurt you and wasn’t intended to) but you got offended.

You say he’d never do this to your siblings - to me this shows he’s more comfortable around you.

From this 1 scenario you are the U one and it’s almost like you want to be different which is why you had to leave the room to cause a drama.
Obviously we don’t know your relationship and so this could have been the last straw type thing.

My dad loved to pull shit like that too. I wasn’t going to have it in front of my child.
So one day I very calmly said: I don’t like it at all when you hit me. You need to stop. We can do it the easy way, where you listen and control yourself, or the hard way, where you push your luck one more time and it’ll be the last time.
Later he thought it would be funny to smear the back of a teaspoon on my face, like snatching a tap type of thing. So I took the spoon off him, took the plate off him and put it in the sink and told him to get out. It was the last time he crossed my threshold.
Apparently he used to do it to bring me down a peg or two, because he thought I though I’m better than anyone else.

Not particularly but then I don't particularly like being the butt of everyone's jokes either.

You give it out, you take it back or you don't participate 🤷‍♂️

The OP chose to participate and got a light cork thrown at her.

Yes, this. Take no notice of his bad behaviour.

She didn't say she taught her son to spit?! The siblings said that as a joke.

The siblings were winding him up. She barely participated and got an item thrown at her face. You think that is normal?

But why her and not the sister who joked about it in the first place?

And why at her face?

And the OP playfully nodded and agreed and got a cork playfully thrown at her.

And she agreed.

Obviously we don’t know your relationship and so this could have been the last straw type thing.

You could read the OP’s posts then.