DH hobby job and my terminal illness

[roundandroundthegarden123]

this is a long one and I’ve not posted before so please be kind. My DH has had a job which involves a lot of talent (think woodwork) but has never made lots of money. Hes never saved and I’ve always paid for most things. He can work in other capacities during the week but chooses to do it at weekends (6/8) weekend days a month.

He has done this since my eldest was born (10 years old). We have an 8 and 3 year old. One child has complex medical needs and other is autistic. I really struggle to leave the house with the 3 of them alone. On top of this I’ve recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

Ive been begging him to change jobs for years to no avail. He tells me he’s sick of hearing me moan about it and he won’t change. I work full time week days when the children are at school/nursery and pay 50% mortgage, all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc. He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.

Im really tired and have employed a carer to help at weekends, but it’s not the same as spending time as a family. We’ve had a blazing row where he’s basically told me I’ve got to just put up with it. When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Im thinking of refusing further life prolonging treatment as I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I love my kids and I’m so scared what will happen when I’m not here

Op, you deserve far better than this I'm so very sorry.

There's already good advice on here. Have a read of it and consider where you might go to get proper legal advice about your situation? Only you know what's realistic in terms of your personal situation.

Some employers offer counselling as part of their employee packages?

The things you can do to help your children.

1. How is the house owned? Make sure your half goes directly to your children - maybe with you husband having an interest until the youngest is 18. If you don’t, he may well marry again (childcare?) and your children won’t get a penny.
2. Go yo a good solicitor and make sure your insurance and any other assets go to your children.

I predict your husband will remarry to find someone else to care for the children (and him) so he can carry on his very cushy life.

Specify your husband must not be their financial guardian ( he will almost certainly be their guardian) do you have a sibling or cousin, if not a best friend you trust? As a last resort, use a solicitor. It will cost, but I suspect the kids will sill get more.

I am so very sorry 😞

Go and talk to cancer counsellor and a solicitor.

https://www.mencap.org.uk/advice-and-support/wills-and-trusts-service?utm_source=mencap.org.uk&utm_medium=301&utm_content=willsandtrust

Ask when the next webinar is or ask for advice directly.

https://www.sendprotect.co.uk

This service is amazing and will advise you on how to protect your children.

Don’t take more work on.

have a think about if there is anyone you can trust to look after your children and keep an eye on them and if possible speak to them.

speak to a lawyer about putting your assets into trust for the children

don’t try to spend time with him. He’s making clear how he feels. Do get carers as you need them to spend time with your kids.

@roundandroundthegarden123 you are a marvel and he is selfish! I don’t know what to say to get you out of this situation but if you have limited time, you and the kids come first. He can shove his woodwork where the sun don’t shine, lazy sod complaining while you struggle on. Hoping other MNetters have better ideas than me 🤯

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

He's a monster @roundandroundthegarden123 I don't think I've ever read anything more gut-wrenching.

Tell everyone what a monster he is. An utter waste of oxygen.

Wtaf?
Where in the country are you?
I would encourage you to go a bit more public and you may get extra support. You should not be supporting him in death when he's isn't supporting you in life. Your priority now is time with kids. If you do divorce him can you manage on long term sick and then less than full time and what benefits are you entitled to? Macmillan should be able to help you get an idea of this - even just to do different scenarios. Would it be enough to cover you? Also look into support from various children's charities.
Have you got the world's biggest bed with a TV in your bedroom? Can you get a big chest of drawers in your bedroom and then put loads of toys / craft / games in there so the kids can sit in bed with you and spend time with you while you doze?
No body is their best parent when Ill but most people are shit parents anyway (like this bawbag).
I have no experience of what you're going through. One of my parents got ill when I was very young. Too young to really take anything but a selfish view. But I remember how much they loved me and that's what matters. And your kids will remember how he treated you. Sending all the love in the world and if you are near me we will come and help.
I won't be the only one. X

Didn’t want to read and run OP. Just wanted to say you sound an incredible mom and I’m in awe of the burden you’re carrying and yet showing up every day. I have no words for the behaviour of your husband. Your post made my jaw drop and my eyes well up.

There’s some great advice from PP on here and I hope some of it is able to help you 🙏🏽♥️

@roundandroundthegarden123 just wondering what area you're in? X

And get yourself a needs assessment, get on the radar of Social Services and make sure you're claiming the correct benefits.

I'd divorce the cheeky, lazy fecker. Life will be calmer, at the very least.

This is up there with the most awful behaviour I've read about on here. I'm so sorry OP, you need to get away from this horrendous man and put you and your children first.

Personally, I'd divorce him immediately and leave your money/assets to your children in trust. He's going to blow through it on his 'hobby' lifestyle.

If you are where I think you are, I would start looking for a kind and supportive church with a lot of generous women in it who can support you and the children (and who would GLADLY do it out of compassion and community service, unlike your husband) and who could then be a life line for your children at a later stage. It’s horrific that you’d have to think to do this but one of the only practical things I can think of.

This. The church I go to is like this, they have a women's organisation and we look after each other.

This is dreadful to read. If I knew you @roundandroundthegarden123 I'd be doing my best to support you. ❤️

I’m very sorry OP
in your situation I would make sure my will leaves at least your half of the house to your children and ensure that someone you trust has a copy of your will to ensure this is carried out

i say this as he sound the sort of guy who will replace you as soon as he can for someone else to take up the “ wife work”
and should he do this and re marry your kids could end up with 0 with everything going to a new wife and kids it’s exceptionally common for a man to remarry very quickly

so please ensure that you seperate the tenancy of your house so that your half goes your kids it’s cheap to do and a few hundred quid and you don’t even half to tell him you have done this

I would also look into if your pensions and my life insurance can go to your kids not your datling husband

And I would leave the fucker a letter tellIng him exactly why you are doing this

Practicalities:

Don't leave him ANY of your assets. Nothing.

Talk to a family lawyer about whom you can appoint as your DCs' trustee.

Get the life-prolonging treatment. Have as long as you can with your DC. If you do a thought experiment about a life in which your DH did not exist, you'd want the treatment, wouldn't you? Have it.

If you have the energy, divorce the fucker. He's a vampire.

Of course, it's a lot to deal with - your beloved wife with a terminal illness. But a human being would step up and deal. Not make his wife wish to speed up her death. He's monstrous. You should come first. He can deal with his feelings after that.

Tell your friends and family what's going on. You have nothing to be ashamed of or secretive about. You will find there are legions at your back.

There are real people behind MN screen names - there is real life support here if you need it.

Agreed. I'm hoping that you're leaving everything to the children, OP.

I'm so sorry for what you're enduring. If the house were yours I'd be telling you to divorce him, given that he appears to be making no contribution to caring for the children.

I would also do the famous Dennis Watts divorce and hand him divorce papers on Xmas day 😂

Op , you are so so far from being a useless mum - you are amazing . If you feel strong enough , please divorce - if you don’t , please write your will to leave any money in trust to your children .

I’m so very sorry you are going through this OP. You are most definitely not useless, your parasitic leech DH (dickhead husband)is!

I would be changing my half of the will, ensuring the children are financially taken care of.

You and your children deserve so much more than him. I hope you have friends/family who can support you.

Leave your money to the kids only. It sounds like he has no intention at all to care for them if he is saying he will refuse weekends if you divorce. He's already making you pay more so he can fluff around.

If the OP is in Scotland, she will need to divorce in order to stop him from getting her money. No matter what is in the will, a spouse is entitled to a percentage of the moveable estate: bank accounts, vehicles, jewellery...Basically, anything except for land and the house.

The stress of staying with this scumbag will put even more strain on your body as well as your emotional health.

Why can’t you dump him?

So would I, 100%. I actually feel quite upset on your behalf OP