DH hobby job and my terminal illness

[roundandroundthegarden123]

this is a long one and I’ve not posted before so please be kind. My DH has had a job which involves a lot of talent (think woodwork) but has never made lots of money. Hes never saved and I’ve always paid for most things. He can work in other capacities during the week but chooses to do it at weekends (6/8) weekend days a month.

He has done this since my eldest was born (10 years old). We have an 8 and 3 year old. One child has complex medical needs and other is autistic. I really struggle to leave the house with the 3 of them alone. On top of this I’ve recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

Ive been begging him to change jobs for years to no avail. He tells me he’s sick of hearing me moan about it and he won’t change. I work full time week days when the children are at school/nursery and pay 50% mortgage, all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc. He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.

Im really tired and have employed a carer to help at weekends, but it’s not the same as spending time as a family. We’ve had a blazing row where he’s basically told me I’ve got to just put up with it. When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Im thinking of refusing further life prolonging treatment as I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I love my kids and I’m so scared what will happen when I’m not here

OP, I don’t have wise words but I need to say how bloody angry I am with the man who is your husband.

I hope some Scottish Mumsnetters can contact you and be local enough to provide RL support (I’m nowhere near unfortunately in the south of England) as I think friendship now would make a massive difference to you.

Please seek legal help so you can provide for your children’s futures and also spend time with them making memories.

Deadbeat Dad is an awful example of a human being and I’m sorry you’re in this position with him.

The problem here isnt that he has a hobby. Its that hes prioritising it over his dying wife's need for comfort and company. (BTW reach out to those friends and confide in them if you want actual support)

Im not clear why youre paying for nursery when free nursery hours start at 9months and DH is home anyway?

Im not clear (from him not you) why he cant do his hobby 2 weekdays if youre at work and the kids are at school or nursery? Granted the one with medical needs may be at Drs sometimes but it's not like he lacks flexibility.

Im not clear how he can call it a "job" when hes prepared to dip into your money to fund it. Thats not generating money its spending your kids inheritance?

Has he always been this selfish nasty and cold? Because this didnt just happen.. was he doing this before you were ill?

Mostly, if I wanted to be very generous i could assume hes terrified and hyper focuses on this hobby because hes struggling. And while that may have some truth to it his behaviour indulgent and pathetic. Feelings dont matter, behaviour does and it makes no difference how he feels if he does nothing about it, and being withdrawn and distracted is a privilege a father cant have in this scenario. He has a sick child a dying wife and a child with ND that may struggle through this. And, again not unkindly, 1 NT child who may feel overlooked because everyone else needs more atm. And DH needs (more importantly they do) for him to spend time building better bonds with them so they feel loved when you're gone, he needs to think about employment even actual part time work because your insurance wont go far with 3 kids a mortgage and him dipping in for spends.

Kid require sacrifice sometimes noones saying give hobbies up but all weekend every week-end isnt sustainable.

And saying anything as cruel as I wont give up my hobby because when you die ill have no time for it is HORRiFIC. What a c. Thats not language i like to throw about, but someone needs to tell him its not about him. He can be as defensive as he likes, but this isnt OK and you could still leave him. The fact he said if you divorce he will refuse to have the kids weekends and youll still have them all the time is HORRIFIC. Again what a c.

But interestly, he makes a good point.. if you divorce him he wont have the kids at weekends so you wont notice a difference. But youll also have 3 dependants not four. Less food to buy. No heating on midweek when hes the only one home. No one draining the "joint" account for playtime spends. Hed lose your pension. His only hope of maintaining this lifestyle is staying married to you or receiving your life insurance. And id honestly go to a lawyer and find out what this looks like for you so every single penny from here on keeps you in as much comfort as possible or can only be used by or for your kids

So unbelievably sorry youre facing this OP

It's. neither here nor there whether your H is making any money from his weekend pursuit - the small amount of money is a red herring. He is basically doing his hobby. The fact that he didn't bother with the website just proves he can't be arsed for it to become lucrative - he is not interested in being financially supportive if it comes with the 'hassle' of running a business - he just wants to get out of the house and do his hobby.

There is no easy answer to your situation. A resounding LTB is inevitable because he is an absolutely selfish bastard, but it's beyond hard to up sticks and leave with no familial support, a child with complex needs and a life limiting diagnosis. If you CAN manage this - bloody brilliant. If you can't, then think about what you want and take practical steps. Take ALL his needs and wants out of the equation though.

I would

1. Absolutely leave everything to DC in trust
2. Write a timetable of personal time that allows you to go to London and see your friends or literally do nothing more than walk to a coffee shop alone at the weekends. One weekend you / one weekend him. No debate, no argument. Make the schedule physical. A piece of paper stuck on the fridge and make plans for your time off.
3. Similarly divide up household chores/anything else effortful
4. See if you can reduce to 4 day week at work
5. Take all the help you can get from third parties

I wish you all the luck in the world

So sorry you are in this situation OP. As others have given good advice I hope it helps.
He sounds so uncaring and useless and I also would be concerned he would meet someone else.
If you can get some kind of financial protection for your children, at the very least that would give you some peace of mind. X

It all sounds really hard OP - you can't make a grown man step up unless he is willing to do so.

However might it help if you cease doing anything in the home that relates to him - his washing, cooking etc.

He certainly sounds like a whittling wanker & is just a millstone round your neck.

It might be helpful to do the freedom programme online just to understand the extent of his abusive behaviour towards you & your DC.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

This is one of the saddest posts I have read on Mumsnet. I don't know you but I just want to hug you. You are facing your diagnosis so bravely and he should just want to hold you close and be with you and face it together as a married couple.

Have you thought about having some counselling together? Maybe he's just a complete shit, but just maybe some of his behaviour is anger at the situation being misdirected towards you? If not you should definitely seek counselling for yourself as you deserve a safe space to vent about this.

Will he care for you in your final weeks and be emotionally available for your children? If not, then why are you staying with him? You need to move closer to friends and family who will - it's not too late for you to build those relationships and spend your remaining time focusing on you and your kids with a better support network in place.

Also have you structured your insurance so that funds are protected for your children and have to be used in their interest? I'd just hate to think of him blowing them all on his hobby. As others have said, you can split your ownership of the house and become tenants in common so that your half is put in trust for your children, and you can appoint whoever you like (ie not him) as the trustees.

In reference to your last update OP, I’m sure there’s two sides to the story, there always is. And yes your DH is probably struggling too. But you count here, you are important too .I really hope you find a way to be able to concentrate on enjoying life with your kids ( and maybe DH if he can just reset things too) , calmly doing your treatments and staying as well as you can for as long as possible. They are usually a friendly bunch on cancer forums, do you go on those ? Virtual friends going through the same type of thing can be a great emotional support too.

I would also advise going on the Marie Curie website and looking at the support available. They do financial advice and will check your benefit entitlement, also have counselling services or can direct you to them. Wishing you all the best OP, prioritise you and your children.

And am I right in inferring that your husband doesn't actually work during the week?

Really, what does he bring to your marriage and your family?

If you decide not to divorce the monster (I can't believe he has many redeeming features) because you don't have the energy (understandable), are there compromises or changes which would give you a better quality of life? Could you move closer to your network of friends?

If you told friends about your situation , or showed them this thread, what would they say & do? I imagine they would circle the wagons around you, and also give you tips for an SHL (shit hot lawyer) to divorce the bastard and arrange things so that your DC were secure.

Apologies if I have missed the answer to this, OP.

What kind of work do you do?

The woman has enough on her plate. In her place, I'd teach him by divorcing her. I wouldn't entrust him with any money at all. It should go in trust for the children.

OP, us mumsnetters are here for you. Tell the solicitor what you told us. Even copy paste your mn posts so she can read & refer back to. He’s benefited enough from your life. Don’t let him benefit from your death especially not at expense of your children. I wonder if bank would let you remortgage to ‘buy him out’ on basis that your insurance policy will pay off the whole mortgage upon your passing, so they basically have a guarantee the mortgage will be paid … it’s not a risk for the bank. I’d have a chat with the bank too.

the fact that you’re trying to show us a balanced view of him shows you’re an empathetic understanding person, but you’ve given too much of yourself to someone who is not able to reciprocate. A grown man shouldn’t need to be shown how to care about his poorly wife. Don’t see this as the end of a marriage, it’s the start of you choosing to protect yourself. This man is betraying you & you betray yourself staying with him. One life OP. You do you and do it unapologetically. Liberate yourself and remove the toxicity.

I have to say that this is probably one of the most gut-wrenching posts that I have read on MN. I thought my ex was bad for shagging other women, whilst I lay in ICU in hospital fighting for my life, after being given a 30% chance of survival. Your husband is on a whole different level of selfishness. I realised years later, that my ex, simply didn't care - I was nothing more than a nanny-with-a-fanny (we weren't married, and the children were his that lived with him full-time). He was completely uninterested in me because he didn't love me and had barely any interest in his children. Me being in hospital, and me on the brink of dying was just a massive inconvenience to him. It might not be the same situation as you OP but it's similar. Your husband is selfish, he's not interested in you or his children, and all he wants is you working to maintain his nice cushy life. You being ill and having a terminal illness, is a massive inconvenience to him. He wants to do what he wants to do, without interruption and bother. Sadly, like my ex, your husband doesn't love you, you're there providing the household chores, childcare and finances. He's an utter arsehole, and he makes my blood boil with rage on your behalf. Seek legal advice, get your ducks in a row, so your children are protected financially, and he doesn't inherit from your hard work. We'd all like to think that there's not men like this out there, but unfortunately there are - they are the lowest of the low.

For goodness sake people PLEASE READ THE OP'S POSTS PROPERLY!!

I can't believe so many people are telling her to leave the children in the care of a trusted family member, THE OP DOES NOT HAVE ANYONE!!

I repeat THE OP DOES NOT HAVE ANY FAMILY OR CLOSE FRIENDS to help, she is totally alone, and making suggestions like this, must be like rubbing salt into the wounds.

I'm at a loss, I don't think you want to spend your time wrapped up a divorce. He desperately needs to be less selfish. I know all the charities offer you counselling, but you sound very together and wise, I think your husband needs the counselling.

I think everyone is so aghast at the situation they are desperately clutching at straws on OP's behalf. Like posters are saying are you SURE?! because they just wish the OP would suddenly say aha I do have Mary Smith ... that's my take on it anyway. Its such a sad situation.

BTW the Op does say she has "friends in London" - I wonder if told all the circumstances they would step up; maybe they don't realise how much the OP really needs a friend at the moment, even just to visit.

Pryceosh1987 is a stand-by-your-man, save-the-marriage-at-all-costs shill for the patriarchy. Whenever I see that username, I ignore the comment because it will be misogynist bullshit 100% of the time.

Hi op your dh is one of the most selfish men I’ve read about on here and there is bloody hundreds of them. Tell him to alternate his weekends so you can have a life before it’s too late for you. Your being too kind to him you have one life why does he get to have his but you don’t. What if you went part time could you manage financially honestly if it was me I would definitely be more selfish to get more out of my life his will carry on and after the kids are older he will get even more time to himself. Put your foot down he’s disrespecting you does he even love you? One of the worst posts on here it’s heartbreaking the way he is treating you and your kids.

OP
who was your closest friend in London? The one you would have gone to when times were bad. Or are there a group of them.
Please reach out to them.
explain how you have been isolated.
explain whats been going on and how you need help - if only to be a trustee of the money/ shares of the house.
Because even if you put the money with your husband as trustee, he can still access it and its very very hard to prove this and get it back when its spent.

I have no idea how that even happened.

sorry OP x

OP I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this before but you should definitely be claiming ADP and can have your claim fast tracked under the terminal illness rule, you can also get someone to advise you on what you are entitled to via your macmillan nurse if you haven’t been told that already.

Hi I’m just writing an update. Thank you all again for your suggestions.

I checked into a hotel for a few days before Christmas to get away and think about what to do. During this time I messaged my DH with a copy of this thread. It’s always just me saying he’s been unreasonable and he can’t see my POV. Initially he was angry and said we were all man hating women and he tried to justify his position. He didn’t really say anything different from what I’ve already said, other than he does ‘care’ and needs time to process decisions. He said that he feels anxious about changing his work or routine.

I have heard this before, when he refused to take time off work after my C-section, but he’s promised to start looking at alternatives in the New Year. He’s currently making a lot of effort with the children and isn’t his usual miserable self around them.

Ive told him I’m still taking legal advice - which he doesn’t seem to care about. There’s no money motivation, just a pure dislike of spending time with me (I don’t know which is worse tbh).

the thought of splitting up completely terrifies me. I don’t want the children to face more instability and if anything happens to me whilst I’m caring for them or I’m too ill to have custody, I won’t forgive myself. I’m really stuck.

I would say I’m well liked and have lots of acquaintances but no close friends. When you have children with autism, it’s really hard because you’re not just a parent, you’re a full time carer too. The ones in London are lovely - no kids, lots of holidays and have flashy jobs. I used to be like that ha! I’ve changed, not them so it’s difficult for them to empathise x

You might need to have a convo with your husband where you say you understand change is uncomfortable - but soon (hopefully not too soon) hes going to face a momentous change and you are trying to help him adjust to that now.

Pleased youre still taking legal advice

Merry Christmas OP