DH hobby job and my terminal illness

[roundandroundthegarden123]

this is a long one and I’ve not posted before so please be kind. My DH has had a job which involves a lot of talent (think woodwork) but has never made lots of money. Hes never saved and I’ve always paid for most things. He can work in other capacities during the week but chooses to do it at weekends (6/8) weekend days a month.

He has done this since my eldest was born (10 years old). We have an 8 and 3 year old. One child has complex medical needs and other is autistic. I really struggle to leave the house with the 3 of them alone. On top of this I’ve recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

Ive been begging him to change jobs for years to no avail. He tells me he’s sick of hearing me moan about it and he won’t change. I work full time week days when the children are at school/nursery and pay 50% mortgage, all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc. He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.

Im really tired and have employed a carer to help at weekends, but it’s not the same as spending time as a family. We’ve had a blazing row where he’s basically told me I’ve got to just put up with it. When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Im thinking of refusing further life prolonging treatment as I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I love my kids and I’m so scared what will happen when I’m not here

God almighty I've never felt so saddened by a post on here.

Jesus wept, this is the worst thing I have ever met on this app and I have been on here for a very long time

OP, please put yourself first. Get rid of this bastard

I hope @roundandroundthegarden123 sees this, and starts divorce proceedings tomorrow, on the grounds of cruelty and coercion.

I can’t believe what I have just read, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have no words, he sounds very selfish and a truly horrible person.

What a vile and disgusting excuse for a human being.

Agreed.

As joint tenants he’ll inherit the whole house.

Divorce could stop this in its tracks.

Beneficiaries to pensions and life assurance policies can be changed in minutes if you have online access.

Get a new will drawn up with executors in place to ensure he can’t get his hands on the kids money.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Xx

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Realistically what is he adding to your life? His less than 50% contribution to the mortgage probably doesn’t even cover the extra cost of having him there. Him saying he’d refuse to have the kids on weekends if you split just proves that he’s an awful person IMO. Can you even trust him to be there for the children if he can’t be now and has said he wouldn’t be if you split.

I’m in Scotland. I was sensible enough to put the house 70/30 with the solicitor - as I put down all of the deposit. I will be taking legal advice. Thank you all so much!

DH will do everything practically for the children (like order meds, get them bathed when I’m at work) he just has no enjoyment spending time with them (or me!) and his weekends away give him respite from us all I believe 😞

You are an amazing person OP and I really don’t know how you cope with all this on a daily basis. I am in awe of your courage and determination to do the best for your children despite everything you are going through.

You need to get legal advice as soon as you can to make sure your children will be cared for and financially secure according to your wishes. I’m pretty sure that an advisor from Macmillan will be able to help you claim any government help you are entitled to - which may help you pay for some help for yourself as it becomes necessary. I’m pretty sure you will be entitled to PIP too which isn’t means tested and again may help to make your life a bit easier.

Sending you a big hug

When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.
Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse

I've read all sorts of unpleasant, disturbing things on Mumsnet, as I've been on the relationship forum a few years, but this will stay with me forever. It's one of the most heartless, almost psychopathically cold things I've read. I'm sorry you've had to experience this. x

It's so bad I'd want to consider trying to leave sole custody of my children to someone else, even though I know you probably can't in your situation.

Stop trying to get him to co-operate, and stop asking. You have to force his hand somehow, or divorce.

Also, given how shit he is, I'd strongly encourage leaving lots of videos and letter to your children in the care of someone you trust, or getting them those things through legal means when they reach 18. Your children have their memories of you now, but I wouldn't trust him on how he might try to twist that. He's so heartless that it sounds like he won't won't to talk to your kids about you when you're gone, so it'll probably be an important part of their grieving process.

I'm so sorry OP, but you need to stop psying for this abusive man.
Talk to Women's aid for support.
He cares only for himself.
He's living off you.
Better to divorce him and put everything in a trust for the children.
I wouldn't trust such a waster.
Please get legal advice.

Me too.

I'm usually quite hardened to things I read on here as there's so much truly awful behaviour going on in so many relationships but this is honestly one of the most upsetting things I've ever read on here and I feel very very sad for you.

Please do everything you can to protect your assets and money for your children. Divorce and name a trusted family member or your children to receive your share of everything and the life insurance money.

I agree with other posters that he would remarry quickly as he clearly isn't up for working and funding his own life and looking after the house and children properly. If something then happens to him all your money could go to the new wife and the thought of that is just too much to bear when you've worked so hard to provide for your children.

The emotional and physical strain you must already be under is awful and to have to even consider all this on top is just horrific.

His behaviour and attitude is utterly cold, cruel and heartless and I'm so sorry you're facing this. I think so many of us would do whatever we could to support you if we knew you in real life but any support we can give here we certainly will.

What an absolute bastard. OP - I’m so sorry you’ve got this dud taking up your precious time and energy.

I hope you have a will in place because if not husband has first dibs on the house ahead of the kids. Practical point though - who is going to look after the kids when you can't? Cos it won't be him by the sounds of things. Open a separate account and switch your DD and payments to that account except the mortgage. Change your mortgage date till the date you get paid. Only put enough money into the account the night before to cover the mortgage. That way you are not funding his hobby. I am spitting feathers on your behalf! However, I'm going to say this. You are already doing all the hard work parenting and adulting. Far better that you get to enjoy your life free of resentment than suffer with a man child. So sorry you are having to go through this x

I second, third, and fourth this!

For what it's worth, yodelling is a talent, too. If it makes less than money and means you are second to a hobbyists itinerary, you are valid. His game isn't.

Op I’m sorry this is so stressful. Can you claim dla. It sounds like you need to possibly work less. Could you persuade him to go to couples counselling? Maybe he would see sense with a third party involved. He needs to step up not wait for your insurance to help him. Could macmillian offer any help for partners in denial?

How long do you think you have left realistically. If there is a good chance you have 5 years plus i would get divorced. You only have one life and you should spend it feeling relaxed and happy - this will in itself improve your quality of life and likely prolong your life due to reduced stress. In addition, if i were you i would not want to be supporting this person after my death.

I'm glad you're seeking legal advice @roundandroundthegarden123 .

A quick search shows me that - if you're still married to him - he can claim one third of your moveable assets.

When I married and went to see about sorting out my bank accounts, the bank manager who helped me was a woman. It was she who alerted me to the position in Scots law.

The one good thing is that it works both ways...No matter what your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex does, your children can jointly claim one third of any moveable estate that he leaves, even if he decides to re-marry after you dump him. (Don't tell him that! Most people up here are blissfully unaware.)

Talk it all through with your solicitor. As I've said, the main issue at the moment is that he can claim from your estate so long as you're still married.

If you have a work pension, unless you've declared that it goes to someone else, then it would probably go to him on an automatic basis too. (That was the case with my work pension and my late husband's work pension. A percentage of his Scottish teaching pension went to me automatically as his spouse. If he'd wanted anything else to happen, he would have had to complete a certain form.)

I'm in awe of your courage OP and the strength you have had to find.
Words escape me as to what it would take to get your husband to see that he needs to change.
Does he appreciate how unwell you are and the seriousness of the situation?
Do you have a macmillan nurse?
You need support OP, you are an amazing parent.
What about your family?
Please try not to waste your energy and resources on having to communicate the obvious to your husband.

Very sad to hear this and I agree with others that this is one of the worst things I've read here with many years of reading.

You have a limited amount of time to spend with your children and that time will be valuable for your children as much as for you, especially since it sounds like their father doesn't offer much in the area of emotional nurturing for the children. In addition to protecting your children's inheritance so his selfishness doesn't leave them in need, please also ensure you protect your time with your children, and your children's time with you. Taking on more hours of work yourself, so that your spouse doesn't have to work more than 2 days per week, isn't likely to be a net benefit for you or your children.

This is awful, I’m so sorry.
I think you would be much better off leaving this selfish “man”. He’s not helping you, he doesn’t care and he’s made you want to give up and die. He doesn’t deserve you and you could do very well with life extending treatment.

Thank you all so much. I will definitely seek legal advice.

there’s been a lot of losses and illnesses in my family, so I don’t feel broken by the diagnosis, it’s more not been able to make memories with the children and be a good mum whilst I can

I said to my DH that he will have to think back to this conversation and consider ‘was I reasonable?’. He agreed he wasn’t but said he still didn’t want to change as the weekends away give HIM a break

I said ‘what will happen to that when I’m not here?’ And he said he will cross that bridge when he comes to it. I think he sees it that he needs to bank the weekends break whilst I’m here as he won’t get a break when I’m not

I suggest you change your will to leave your 70% to the children in trust. Find out about IHT relief for bereaved minors. You need yo protect them from foolish decisions.