DH hobby job and my terminal illness

[roundandroundthegarden123]

this is a long one and I’ve not posted before so please be kind. My DH has had a job which involves a lot of talent (think woodwork) but has never made lots of money. Hes never saved and I’ve always paid for most things. He can work in other capacities during the week but chooses to do it at weekends (6/8) weekend days a month.

He has done this since my eldest was born (10 years old). We have an 8 and 3 year old. One child has complex medical needs and other is autistic. I really struggle to leave the house with the 3 of them alone. On top of this I’ve recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

Ive been begging him to change jobs for years to no avail. He tells me he’s sick of hearing me moan about it and he won’t change. I work full time week days when the children are at school/nursery and pay 50% mortgage, all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc. He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.

Im really tired and have employed a carer to help at weekends, but it’s not the same as spending time as a family. We’ve had a blazing row where he’s basically told me I’ve got to just put up with it. When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Im thinking of refusing further life prolonging treatment as I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I love my kids and I’m so scared what will happen when I’m not here

💯

Im so sorry OP, I truly hope you can find support elsewhere. He is not a good person. This is one of the saddest things I have read on here. Wishing you all the very best, you are doing a phenomenal job and you deserve so much more x

I'm so sorry OP. You're a fantastic mum, keeping a roof over your head and looking after your kids. Of course you don't have the energy for Instagrammable moments - but your kids don't need that, you're so much more than enough for them.

Agree with other posters that if your DH can't step up now, I would have serious concerns about his ability to step up when you're gone. Protect your kids, don't try to make life easier for this wanker.

Can you make me of your parents the beneficiaries? If the life insurance? Rather than him?

Hi op sorry your going through this alone has he always been this selfish? Is he hiding because he can’t cope? You need to say to him you won’t be here forever and the kids need family time and so do you. If he’s still being selfish maybe you should tell him to fuck off now instead of wasting what time you have left. Honestly he’s a joke treating you like this I would rather have nothing than a useless spineless twat with me. Your not a broken record he’s a heartless twat who is only thinking of himself your poor kids he should be stepping up and being supportive but he’s a manchild cocklodger. I hope your treatment goes well.

Thank you all so much. It’s giving me a bit of strength. I lost both my parents when I was late teens so I think I’ve always put up with a lot in seeking a ‘happy family’. I’ve always felt gaslit into believing I am unreasonable as he’s so talented, and I’d be keeping him from his vocation.

I pay for my little one to go to nursery (where I live in the UK it’s not free until 3.5) so my DH can prepare for his weekend. It sounds stupid when I say this out loud

Agree with other posters, you are not a useless mum, I am in awe of you are coping with all this.

Do you have a will? And have you been to see a good solicitor who deals with wills to work out how best to support your children and safeguard their finances?

Jesus this a hard read OP.
I am so sorry for going through and raging at your husband's selfishness cruelty and indifference.
Im amazed at your composure and level headedness against the immense backdrop of what you are facing.

I am also sorry to say this so bluntly but please spend money on proper legal advice and do not leave any assets to him directly. I would not leave the fucker a penny if i could help it.
Leave it all to to your children you cam put the house and life insurance payout in trusts.

I'd be closing joint accounts or leaving them with the minimum and moving any saving i accrued out of joint names and into my own.

Any heirloom or items you would want the children to have id be looking at paid storage or leaving them with a relative.

This man isnt your friend and absolutely cannot be trusted.

Your priority must be your children.

Also worth making videos for them in the future for when they are older if / when you have time. You can store them in Gmail or equivalent account or on hardrive and leave access instructions with a solicitor firm.

Work out what sick days / time you can take here and there and do everyday things with the kids. My dd is 3 and today we painted some pottery and "baked" some.cookies (Betty crocker) she was jazzed and said it was the best day ever. Kids dont need peppa pig world to have a good time...

So so sorry OP. Do you have any family to support you at all? Because he seems so cold and useless. How cruel to not see to your needs and his children's needs.

I imagine that you are exhausted from the treatment? My friend is going through it right now- chemo and something else- it has spread some but nothing said about timelines yet. She's off sick because of the treatment- is that not a possibility for you? You must be so exhausted.. and with the children as well. Can you ask anyone to come around and help you out? You need rest. I hate your poor excuse of a husband for not being there for you 💐

OP I'm so sorry to hear your diagnosis. You are not a useless mum, and you are worthy of treatment if that's what you want. ❤️

Can your mortgage be paused for a short term, to allow you to rest? I know mine can for a few months, with interest added on after, but I'm not UK.

Do you have another support network outside of your DH? You need help right now, and I commend you for getting a weekend carer.

If at all possible, I would recommend approaching others regarding their long-term care as well, as he does not sound capable of stepping up. Irregardless of if he is or isn't neurodivergent, it doesn't sound like he copes with others relying on him.

If you don't have people your DC can stay with, can you set up a check-in system for them? Even just speaking to their school would be beneficial.

I also echo what everyone else has said about trying to ring fence the money for your kids instead of him. Or if it is going to go to him to cover living costs, can it pay in regular installments out of a trust? He doesn't sound like he would handle a lump sum well.

To add, I would be publicly shaming this man too. Censure from his family, peers, clients, he deserves it.

I would seek legal advice. When the time comes, your husband is going to be left with the sole care of your children. From your post, it doesn't sound as if he wants to spend time with the children, let alone parent them. By all means make sure the mortgage is paid off once you are no longer here. Any other insurance policies, death in service payments etc, change so they go to your children. You need to make sure that your husband doesn't have control over the funds, due to the children being minors. See if another (or two) family members can oversee this. I would be concerned that your husband is incapable of looking after the children, and also doesn't want too. Why should you run yourself into the ground, so he can faff around at weekends, and then inherit when you're no longer here?? Absolutely not. He's being selfish, immature and callous.

This, sadly. This is one of the most appalling things I've read on here. Presumably you don't even trust him to bring up the children after you are gone? Tragically this has to be the priority in your decision making asking now.

This is just awful OP. I wish I knew what to suggest. What a selfish selfish man.

This is really horrendous op. Have you discussed how your DH would mange with the kids on his own if it came to it? Have you got family to step up if needed? He sounds selfish.

What have I just read? I am so sorry you're going through this OP, you sound like a great mum and anyone would feel broken in your situation. Have I got this right...he does nothing all week while DC are at school and then works most weekends days? I would be asking him bluntly what he plans to do when you're no longer here. I would also leave I'm afraid. He's made it clear he doesn't give a shit about you.

What's your work sickness policy like and do you have any other family support? Use any and all external support available to you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with an awful husband as well as everything else 🫂

It is stupid. Save that money and put it towards speaking to solicitors and financial advisors to get your children as beneficiaries.

I think this is is this most upsetting post I've read for a long time. What an awful, terrible, horrible man. I have so little that's helpful to say, just sending my heartfelt sympathies and praying that you have friends and family in your corner now, and that of your children x

I would not leave him a penny. All the money must be in a trust that is not operated by him. All of your assets mortgage pension etc must be left to someone who you trust to look after your children.

in the meantime you must leave if you must/ rent a house for 24 months up front or whatever and do not work at all if you don’t need to just spend time making memories and being please draw up and sign a will on Monday and do not give him any money. Everything left in trust until they are 21.

I agree, this situation is appalling and this man is using you and being quite horrible with it.
I am so sorry you have lost your parents and in looking for a loving family, have ended up with a man who is extractive - take, take, take - and the opposite of what a loving supportive husband should be.

I agree with other posters that I would take whatever treatment I could and I would also see a lawyer. I understand that you are tired and you have no-one to look out for you, and it might feel easier to just give up, but honestly, I think, even with your illness, you will be less tired without this man denigrating you and sponging from you. Why on earth should he benefit from your life assurance policy when he has done nothing to help or support you?

I would just be echoing what everyone else has said here, OP. But wanted to let you know you are not alone and we are supporting from afar.

Strangely enough, my uncle was an absolute arsehole to my auntie when she was dying of cancer. He called her some vicious things and was generally very unsupportive and selfish. I just don't think some men (not all) can cope when their wives aren't able to keep taking care of everything. So selfish.

Anyway, hugs to you.

This sounds really difficult OP, while supporting him you are working hard and not making the most of your time with your children. Could you take early ill health retirement to access pension savings to take some time off and pay the mortgage?

If you have life insurance or pension etc then
put these in a trust for your kids. Your autistic child could qualify for a vulnerable persons trust which has tax benefits. This way you can protect your kids financially and ensure they are not disinherited if your DH remarries.

Look up SEN Protect for financial advice. Also look at webinars from Mencap or Contact that can advise on how to protects your vulnerable kids financial future.

I’m so sorry about your circumstances.

Also Agree you should stop this now.

He needs to do some minimal parenting so he is semi prepared for the eventual reality as right now you are the childrens mother and father.

Firstly, I am so very, very sorry that you’re going through this - it’s absolutely shit and it’s not fair 💐

You might want to think about amending your will so that you leave your half of your assets to your kids. I would be a bit concerned that you’re the one doing all the supporting, including the lion’s share of contributions to household bills, and I would worry that he would simply bleed things dry

I’m so sorry to bring this up, I know it’s the last thing you need to hear, but you need to be practical x

God almighty, OP. I have no practical advice but I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are a wonder, I don't know how you can feel useless.

Protect your children OP. Whatever the cost. Trust fund, divorce from DH. And while you have the energy. As someone else has said, he’s making you work to the bone, and knows he will be getting a tidy sum if you pass. Reading that made me sick to my teeth.