DH hobby job and my terminal illness

[roundandroundthegarden123]

this is a long one and I’ve not posted before so please be kind. My DH has had a job which involves a lot of talent (think woodwork) but has never made lots of money. Hes never saved and I’ve always paid for most things. He can work in other capacities during the week but chooses to do it at weekends (6/8) weekend days a month.

He has done this since my eldest was born (10 years old). We have an 8 and 3 year old. One child has complex medical needs and other is autistic. I really struggle to leave the house with the 3 of them alone. On top of this I’ve recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

Ive been begging him to change jobs for years to no avail. He tells me he’s sick of hearing me moan about it and he won’t change. I work full time week days when the children are at school/nursery and pay 50% mortgage, all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc. He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.

Im really tired and have employed a carer to help at weekends, but it’s not the same as spending time as a family. We’ve had a blazing row where he’s basically told me I’ve got to just put up with it. When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Im thinking of refusing further life prolonging treatment as I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I love my kids and I’m so scared what will happen when I’m not here

OK this is horribly pragmatic, but I dont mean it unkindly even if it sounds that way:

1. Speak to a lawyer because a. You might have longer than you think so might be worth divorcing him, for your happiness as much as anything else and b. That 70% of the house, you want it in trust to be split 3 ways when your youngest comes of age. You dont want to leave the home to him.

1. Memory making - do you have someone you can trust (not DH who sounds a selfish PoS) to write cards for your kids and leave them with? Additionally set an email account for each of them, email them digital pictures, stories about how you felt through pregnacy, them being babies and the little people they've become.

1. Consider putting your life insurance either in trust for them or to pay of the house that your half of should be entrusted to them

1. Take a balanced approach to prolonging treatment, advances are made all the time and your children will want all the time they can have with you that isnt leaving you in pain you struggle with

1. Id also consider reevaluate what you put in the joint account if DH is using it for pocket money. Hes currently indulging in this hobby not because of just the time youre there to pick up the slack but the money you provide that let's him act like a teenager

I wish you all the luck and strength in the world

What kind of work do you do, OP?

OP, first of all may I say how sorry I am about your diagnosis. That alone must be devastating, let alone putting up with a selfish husband who clearly has no empathy whatsoever. You must feel like you've been hit by a steam roller?

Can I ask, do you genuinely feel that he will step up and treat the children well, when you no longer can? Or do you think he's likely to neglect them?

If you feel it will be the latter, then I think you should not only seek legal advice regarding your money, insurance, etc., but also a divorce, as there is no way that he should benefit from all of your hard work, having treated you like this.

From what you've told us, I can just imagine him shutting himself away in his shed, and forgetting all about the children. I'm sorry, perhaps I shouldn't say that, but it sounds like as well as being selfish, he is burying his head in the sand.

I would suggest that you contact MacMillan, and ask for help and advice with regard to your children. Tell them that you don't think your husband will cope once you are gone, and you are frightened that your children will be neglected. I'm sure they have come across scenarios like this on many occasions, and will be able to help and give you some peace of mind.

Do you have ANYONE else that you can turn to, any siblings, cousins, friends? If so, then please don't be too proud to ask for help and support.

I would also suggest that as soon as you possibly can, you move all of your money to a sole account, so that he only has access to what he actually earns.

Have you told him that he's going to have to work full time during the week, as with treatment etc. it's likely you'll have to give up work sooner rather than later, and it's no good him continuing to bury his head in the sand, he's a married man with children, and needs to step up and deal with his responsibilities. In your position I would have no problem whatsoever doing this, and if he argues, and says he'll deal with things when he has to, that gives you the ideal opportunity to tell him that that is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and if he's not prepared to step up and do his bit, then he can leave, as he's no use and no fucking ornament!

Finally, please don't give up treatment. I realise this is all very hard to deal with right now, but please be there for your children for as long as you possibly can.

I'm not very religious, but I'm praying that your husband sees the light, and decides to step up and look after you and your children, while there is still time.

Sending you a big hug to help you through this.

A friend of mine was terminally ill. She tried to teach her husband how to deal with bills etc so she could relax in the knowledge he could deal with everything after she’d gone. He behaved the same as your DH OP. He didn’t take any time off work or his hobby at all. She had to stop work eventually and he didn’t even take time off to be with her near the end.

He now has to learn how to run a home and pay bills and he hasn’t a clue.

I would feel very uncomfortable in this situation. You are handling it really well to be fair although a part of me would be tempted to post the same pics under your user name in that group! But in reality I think a conversation with her would suffice, or even to just give her a heads up you are in that group and have seen your Xmas decs/house in a post!

wrong thread?

@roundandroundthegarden123

Just in case you haven't, you must make a will immediately.

Your assets in Scotland are divided into two distinct types; moveable and heritable.

Under Scots law you cannot disinherit your husband, he will be entitled to one third of your moveable estate under "legal rights"

Moveable refers to e.g.

• Financial Assets: Bank accounts, savings, investments, stocks, shares, life insurance policies.
• Personal Possessions: Jewellery, art, furniture, vehicles, clothing, collectibles.
• Business Interests: Shares in companies (even if they own land), partnership interests.

Your heritable estate (your house) you can bequeath to whomever you name in your will.

Wishing you the strength to cope with such a devastating situation.🌼

If he were also an involved father I'd say maybe he is trying to build his business whilst you are still able to support him to get it off the ground - but now he has said that he would refuse to look after the children if you were unable to do so then you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and put everything into legally safeguarding them, because you can no longer fully trust that he is going to.

Same, I've read about some dreadful men on here but this one takes the price for the most selfish, cruel user. I can't believe how anyone could sleep at night knowing they are watching their terminally ill wife go off to work each day while he does nothing most of the week.

OP please don't give up on your fight with this dreadful illness, you are a wonderful mother going everything you possibly can for your children. Stick around as long as you can don't let this waste of space break you.

Seek legal advice as you say, try and make sure your money will be ring fenced for the children. Many men look for a nanny with a fanny when they become a single dad and a guy like this don't sound like he would want to manage alone for long. As another poster said. Your house and money could end up being left to step kids and not yours. Also if she couldn't put up with him then she could end up with half that house in a divorce. I dont know the legalities on this topic but try and see if there is a way to leave your 70% to your children. Even if you divorce now to do so. I know a family member who divorced and kept the house she lived in with her then over 18 year old children (he waited until the youngest was 18 to decare his 10 year affair), through the divorce his 50% was given to the 2 children, not the ex wife, even though she was at no fault. Dont think she would have wanted it all anyway though, so don't know if the result would have been different if she fought

This is heartbreaking. I’m so pleased you’re going to get legal advice and potentially divorce him. You must be so tired. I can understand why you feel like stopping treatment. As someone, whose dad basically gave up the 3rd time he had cancer (when I was a few years older than your eldest), I would say, hold on if you can.

This is awful OP, I'm so sorry. He's being absolutely vile and you shouldn't have to put up with this treatment on top of everything else you're dealing with. 💐

Trust me OP, you ARE a good mum. You sound like a brilliant mum and this is so horribly unfair.
Your husband is a selfish arse and he is going to need to buck his ideas up fast.
Divorce him, leave all your money in trust for your children. Make sure you have guardianship in place for when you are tragically not here anymore in case he doesn't step up.

Make sure your life payouts go
into trust for the children, ditto the house.

If you leave £ it as is, DP can sell the house over their heads and leave then
homeless. He pockets the cash too.

It happens. It really does. Happened to Mary Portas and her brother who were on the streets at 16.

What about your break? I mean, you shouldn’t have to, but as he’s being totally stupid about it you may need to spell it out. Are a spreadsheet. What you contribute financially and time spent with the DC and what he does,

Make it clear on paper he isn’t pulling his weight financially, as a dad, or as a husband. Ask him what he’s going to do about it. Point out that you could have a break if you walked out tomorrow and left him with the dc and the bills to have a lovely holiday with the money you earn.

And why not? You deserve a break too!

100% this, everything that I could would be left in trust for the dc, and at least the eldest have it explained to them and preferably a friend too, so the kids have someone to ask if they think dad is spending everything on his hobby.

I absolutely agree with this, make sure your share goes to your children and is held in trust for them. He might sell up and spend it all rather than work, then there will be nothing left. Change your will as soon as possible and then pursue the divorce.
I am so sorry you're facing this how awful for you. You love your children so spend time with them.
Speak to work and ask what happens when you're too ill to work. Some work places have good sickness cover. It's worth knowing where you stand.
Speak to your mortgage provider and see if you can have a payment holiday at any point, as then you could work less. Stop paying your wage into the joint account so that he can dip into it or cancel his card. He can pay 50% of the bills. This will take the pressure off you. You can save money to get out of the marriage.
Sending hugs.

Could you force a sale of the house now? Then use your 70% to buy somewhere smaller that leaves money left over so you can take time off work or go part time ? Can you work from home ?
get evidence of him taking money from joint account for his weekend job. Put in writing to him that he needs to stop stealing from you & list all the debits he’s taken . It could be considered financial abuse?
Focus on your health &’wellbeing & children .
You may have a fair number of years left . Don’t waste more on him. See this as a new chapter. Love yourself & kids more than him

I'm so sorry for your position OP,

I hope you have many years left with your family but for the purposes of getting hold of some money to allow you to stop work, or at least to work less, I would see if you can claim on your insurance under that 12 month clause. By that I mean perhaps, if you explained your predicament to your doctors they might be willing to make the necessary estimate. After all some people are given a short life prognosis and then defy it by many years. Then use some of that money to work less and enjoy time with your kids.

Another thing you could look at is if working less or stopping work for your health could be feasible with the help of benefits. Take a look at the entitled to website
Benefits Calculator - entitledto - independent | accurate | reliable
If your health is affecting your ability to manage and has been for some month you could also see if you are eligible for PIP.

Best to sell house asap otherwise he will benefit even more when you pass as mortgage would get paid off

In the kindest way @roundandroundthegarden123 ,your feelings are wrong.
. You're a fab mum... An incredibly resilient, responsive mum!

Do you have pals around you irl? Could they help you get out with the kids for a couple of hours?

I'd divorce him and will my 70% of the house and all my savings to the children in trust.

I am really sorry to write this but your husband is just the type to have a new relationship very quickly and to hell with your children as he spends yours and their money on her.

Your children need protecting from his selfishness.
I am so sorry.

• You work full time.
• you are exhausted and ill
• you are so tired, letting the illness take its course and refusing treatment feels like a relief
• You pay for “all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc.”.
• You pay for a carer when you have a husband.
• You pay for your littlest to go to nursery so he can devote himself to his hobby.
• He could bring more money in “but chooses not to”.
• he says you should take on more work
• he threatens to leave you with the kids all weekend should you ever split up

why are you with this piss-poor excuse of a man?

Im so sorry about your diagnosis, @op. As others have said, fix everything up so that he doesn’t get a penny.

You would probably be entitled to claim PIP following your diagnosis. This may help you if you wanted to take some time off work. But please don’t work more when you are so ill. If you separate and divorce you can also claim universal credit this opens the doors to other benefits like free prescriptions etc.
Go onto Entitled To to work out what you are entitled to alongside your child benefit.
He is disgustingly treating you this way when he should be caring and supportive.

OP this is heartbreaking for you & your children. He clearly doesn't want to spend time with any of you & doesn't deserve you.
To that end, I would make sure the children are sole beneficiaries with a trusted adult making the necessary financial arrangements to support the children.
He can cocklodge somewhere else.
Praying for healing & many years for you 🙏