DH hobby job and my terminal illness

[roundandroundthegarden123]

this is a long one and I’ve not posted before so please be kind. My DH has had a job which involves a lot of talent (think woodwork) but has never made lots of money. Hes never saved and I’ve always paid for most things. He can work in other capacities during the week but chooses to do it at weekends (6/8) weekend days a month.

He has done this since my eldest was born (10 years old). We have an 8 and 3 year old. One child has complex medical needs and other is autistic. I really struggle to leave the house with the 3 of them alone. On top of this I’ve recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

Ive been begging him to change jobs for years to no avail. He tells me he’s sick of hearing me moan about it and he won’t change. I work full time week days when the children are at school/nursery and pay 50% mortgage, all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc. He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.

Im really tired and have employed a carer to help at weekends, but it’s not the same as spending time as a family. We’ve had a blazing row where he’s basically told me I’ve got to just put up with it. When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Im thinking of refusing further life prolonging treatment as I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I love my kids and I’m so scared what will happen when I’m not here

This

well done on the house. I’m not comfortable discussing Scottish law, so will leave it to others, except get expert help and be blunt about how your husband is and what you want to achieve with the solicitor.

. Stop making allowances for him. He is not the one doing most of the work with a life limiting illness. He doesn’t have priority!

Do whatever is best for your children, then for you. If there’s any more wriggle room, you can consider him, but he should be at the back of the queue, not first.

start by doing one thing each day, just for you. Then build it up.

edited for fat fingers

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Well then he will be paying more CMS, won't he?

Honestly from all I've read on MN, I think you'd cope better without him. Who owns the house? And HOW DARE HE want you to take on more work?

100% agree. You need to seek legal advice ASAP. The hospital can assist with this.

I second everything Salmon said here.
@roundandroundthegarden123 I’m so so sorry. Puts my moans into perspective. I’ll be thinking of you over Christmas .

The only stuff l would add is seek legal advice to see if you can change house to tenants in common and leave your half to the kids. Dont want to scare yo7 but we all know people where wife has died, husband re marries and kids from first marriage get utterly shafted. Leave them as much as you possibly can. Without being overly blunt -your kids can never get another mum, your H can get a new wife. Don’t let H and potential new woman benefit from your hard work at the expense of your precious children.
Don’t worry about days out. Re watching a favourite film will stick in their heads and always remind them. Bake, colour in, craft, make cards for their birthdays/special occasions. Take lots of pictures. It doesn’t matter if you don’t look great - they just want to see you with them, looking happy.
Listen to music, have kitchen discos. Pick some songs for a ‘Mummy and (child’s name) playlist. Put it on a USB. Make them playlists of songs that you love -put a bit of yourself into them. Songs from your youth so they get to know you.
If you cook write your recipes down for them - you can buy ‘cookbooks’ . Something handwritten with your recipes in - so they can ‘taste’ your food would be so precious. Write what drinks you like with the food. What your fave wine is etc.
Press flowers/foliage from your garden or little walks. Let the kids pick them and take a picture of them,picking a flower you then press. It’s a visual and physical link to a Time with you.
You can set up an email account for each of them and send them pictures, emails, videos etc. Leave the email address and password with a very trusted person or a solicitor- to be given to children when they are 18 or 21. Your voice speaking to them from the past will be so so precious. Make sure you trust who you give the email address & password to- you want your babies to be the ones who open the emails/attachments.

Im sending you all so much love.

I'm so sorry OP, I hope you can get shut of the vile & despicable person to whom you are married.

I am sorry to read of your diagnosis, its a difficult thing to cope with.

I dont want to add to your worries but I strongly suggest that you visit a solicitor ASAP to protect your children's inheritance when you pass.

Leave your share of the house (it needs to be a specific type of ownership to do this), your survivors pension, any cash & investments to your children & appoint a financial guardian (not your husband) to look after your childrens finacial affiars.

men with children, statistically, enter a new relationship/remarry after the loss of their wife, particularly if they have children. Protect the assets you have acquired for your children, dont let him have control of them to pass on a future partner, step &/or second family kids.

Oh my dear. You are ill, and you are doing your very best for your children, you are not useless in any way and I'm sure they know that.

I think your DH sounds dreadful OP. He is offering no support and compassion. You must be worried sick yet he wants you to take on more work. You really need to seek advice from a solicitor to ensure your DC not your DH benefit when you die. Get the house put in I think it's called tenants in common. Leave your half of the house to your DC. Che k if you can do the same with your pension too and any life insurance. Don't let him work you to death and then benefit from your death especially as you are not sure he will care for your DC. Do you have any siblings who would take them? If so leave money in trust for them to bring up the DC. In the meantime cut back your work hours in order to make as many lovely memories with your DC as you can. If he doesn't want to join him he is the on missing out. I hope you have a long time to live.

OP, this is beyond shocking. I'm so sorry.
Can you see a solicitor urgently, see what the options are for leaving money in trust for the benefit of the children? Do you have trusted family or friends that can help you figure things out? 💐

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this! You sound like a lovely person, who puts her family and children first. Unfortunately, your husband sounds insanely selfish and nasty. I hope there is a way you can remove him from your life, so you can have some support through the coming challenges. If you stay with him, other, good people will assume you have support and might not step in. I wish you all the best and I'm glad you posted here for support from us.

Very gently OP as I obviously don’t know what type of cancer you have, sometimes you can hold back spread for a long time, more like a chronic illness ( obviously it depends on each person’s case) I honestly think the most important thing is to give yourself the chance of doing that if you can. I’ve had a fair amount of chemo in my life and there’s no way I can imagine working full time and taking care of small kids on my own at the weekend. It’s absolutely heroic of you and no wonder you are weary. If I were you I would disregard your ‘DH’ completely and get advice from everywhere I could, a social worker, Macmillan, even a woman’s charity (as it all just seems so abusive) I’d see if I could make it work financially ( perhaps as a single parent) by being on sick leave, disability or part time/ working from home etc. As long as you have a roof over your heads ( you and the kids) and food and basic bills paid, Îd take the hit on meals out holidays etc. You have to be given the best chance to stay as well as you can for as long as you can, you need to be able to rest and to spend quality time with your children . Daft question you don’t have critical illness cover on your side of the mortgage by any chance ? My mortgage was paid during the period I was off work with chemo etc.Finally as everyone has said see a solicitor to see how to best protect the kids and if it would be better financially for you ( and for the kids inheritance) to divorce if that’s what you wish to do. Wishing you all the best and rooting for you to stay as well as you can for as long as you can.

He really won't compromise at all, will he? Sounds like a complete waste of space.

Bless you brave lady.
Your H doesn’t deserve you and your children and you deserve so much better than him as he’s absolutely heartless.
Please act on advice given, seek legal advice and make sure you leave your children in the best financial position.
Hang in there for yourself and your children - sending very best wishes to you.

This is truly one of the most heartbreaking threads I’ve ever read. Sending so much love and strength your way op

Divorce him now and get everything put in trust for your children. You cannot leave everything to this piece of shit.
I'm so sorry you’re going through this.

“He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.”

I hope your legal advice includes separating finances- on top of everything else he is stealing your money

I realised while reading your initial post that my mouth was hanging open in utter horror. I don’t think I’ve ever read on here about such staggering selfishness and cruelty as the behaviour you describe from this man.

I don’t have anything to add to the good advice you’ve already been offered from other people on this thread, but I wanted to add to the chorus telling you you’re clearly an amazing person and a wonderful mother, and you and your children deserve better than to stay with someone who does not deserve you.

Oh OP I’ve no words but wanted to offer you a hand hold xx

I'm so sorry @roundandroundthegarden123 ...this is one of the sadest and most jaw dropping behaviour, ever...!

Please get proper legal advice... If he's as hopeless as he is now... Do you think he'll even look after the kids properly?
I've come across horrid men who were only too happy ro give the day to day care up when the mum had died...
Is there any way you can appoint a friend as a guardian?

If you haven't come across them Winstons Wish are a fab charity supporting kids when an a parent dies/is dying?

Lots of resources here...

https://winstonswish.org/

If he were that talented he would be making an absolute fortune from his hobby job.

Do you have a palliative care team? Wondering if they might be able to support your husband if he's not accepting the reality of your situation in addition to whatever support they're offering you.

It's unclear if he's not coping and needs help (including considering an autism diagnosis) or is generally nasty and unreasonable. Or both.

You'll be able to get advice to your children's schools for how to support them in the future and there are charities that support children who have ill parents/ are young carers / are bereaved. But they will need a parent who can engage with them. If your husband can't and there aren't other relatives / close friends around who can help out, then you + others will need to be primed to involve children's social services when you become much more unwell. That's the case whether you stay together or divorce.

You don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Whaaaat! You sound amazing OP. I don’t have anything to add but please keep posting over Christmas if you need anything. You have a lot of fans here who want to help xx

I’ve been thinking more about your predicament. You might actually be better off down-sizing, freeing up equity and using that to reduce your working hours or stop working altogether. You are ill. You are not going to be able to continue as things are indefinitely. In the short term, use your maximum sickness allowance to have rest days.

OP Aldi are selling off their gingerbread houses for 99p. Can someone get you one so you can do that little activity with your DC? Make as many memories as you can with them and record them for them. They will treasure thos memories.