Be honest with me, wwyd?

[Colacherrydrops89]

Sorry to be vague, I am concerned about being outting.

My H punched a wall on the weekend upstairs in our home. It was hard enough that his hand still hurt the next day.

This is the second time this has happened.
I haven't told anyone IRL about either occasion. I don't have many friends or family to tell anyway.

I took the women's aid quiz last night and he doesn't do any of those things, it's just that it's a bit shit sometimes but not DV.

He's since apologized over text and call and in person. Just said he was just 'frustrated'.

Be honest, do I leave over this?
Or am I being rash in my decision making?
What would you do?

I will be transparent and say I do have PTSD due to childhood trauma and am under MH team so I'm asking because I'm not sure if I am overreacting over a mistake or something.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

Thanks.

My abusive ex started by punching walls.

Leave
he’s got away with it twice - that is violence

It will be you next, leave if you can.

My first husband did this for a few years then started on me. If this isnt sorted now it can easily escalate.
What is he doing to address the situation other than being "sorry", they are all sorry, its meaningless. At the very least I'd be expecting an anger management course.
If he isnt prepared to do this I'd be thinking about my living arrangements.
You can't have someone wrecking the house because he can't deal with his emotions.
Does he do this at work?

@Colacherrydrops89 i think you will be next too.
Why did he punch the wall , frustrated at what? How soon was the last time ?

It's a tough one and I don't think that you're overreacting at all. Punching a wall or any other object for that matter, as well as maybe throwing things around or banging doors even are all examples of aggressive behaviours. Physical acts like these don't have to be directed at you (meaning he doesn't have to punch you) to be classed as abuse. Punching a wall could be done for example to intimidate you, make you feel scared or even as means of control or punishment.

I would focus on how this makes you feel rather than anything else. If it makes you scared, worried about what he might do next time, intimidated then yes, I would class it as abuse.

Now what you choose to do with this is entirely up to you and figuring out what you want to do may take time and it's ok.

It might be worth having a look at the context - what does he say causes this behaviour? If he says that you provoked him or something similar that is a massive red flag. No you didn't, he chose to be violent (even if towards and object).

If he gives another reason for getting frustrated to the point of having to act out - is he willing to work on this i.e. go to therapy or look at some anger management techniques? I think it's very important to let him know that this behaviour is unacceptable (however you know him best and if you feel that having this conversation will put you in danger then please don't say anything, just plan to leave).

Punching a wall isn't violence. Please stop with this nonsense.

I would inside he sought help for his anger issues.

If he didn’t then I think I would have to leave. It could be you next

Do you have DC?

You do realise that perfectly normal, sane people can slam doors, throw cups, cushions, shout, it's called emotion.

Or can people not get any anymore without being accused of abusing someone?

My ex husband started by punching a wall , then a door , then me .

What is it then? Scotch mist?

Op, please ignore @Chiseltip

He / she has a very low bar for what is violence.

I think it depends if he is willing to get help for his anger issues.

@Gettingbysomehow no not at work. it's like 2 different people, to his mum, etc. everyone says we're a great team which we are. but he certainly can't control his frustration or anger, he's slammed doors and walked out before, shouted, been sarcastic.
but then he seems horrified at his behavior and apologizes, cries, says hes a bad person.
i think things change but then 'something' happens again

@JustSomeMama i have previously tried to address it, suggested GP etc and he punched the cupboards because he said I was attacking him, but I wasn't, i didn't mean it, i was just pointing out it's not ok. maybe i did nag too much, i don't know! i just wanted a conversation.

these epsiodes come in like clusters. and then things are fine for a month or two.
i'd say this anger thing has been happening for about 2.5 years now.

but as i said otherwise he is great. i can't fault him.

It's called emotion.

i think thats what i'm trying to decide. is this a normal emotion/reaction and ok sometimes or not?

No. I just understand that people have emotions and sometimes show anger. It's not abuse to get angry.

Why are you ignoring posters who say that that’s how the abuse started with their partners?

The OP is clearly upset. She has PTSD.

No, it isn't normal to get so angry that you throw or hit things. I wouldn't stay.

If it frightens you and you feel unsafe then it’s not good, and he’s not perfect.

So he can control his ‘emotions’ at work, with friends, in the street etc, it’s just at home with you when he gets aggressive. OP, he is a horrible violent man who is making your life a misery waiting for the next explosion. As for the tears and apologies, they mean nothing as he hasn’t changed.
Take it from someone who knows, this will only get worse.

The only thing that you can change is your response to the situation. My advice is to end the relationship- but please tread carefully. Women’s Aid can help if you need support.

At a time of great stress, 2 close family bereavements in a 12 week period I threw an item with force on the floor, I’m not proud of that and was close to some sort of complete emotional breakdown. It is over a decade now and I still feel shame.

He did this when you just suggested getting help? He does it only in front of you? so can control if he wants to.

You need out of this relationship asap. I’m assuming you do not have children. If you become pregnant it will be very likely to escalate. He has a classic abuser pattern, volunteered in a DV refuge so had some training. I’m afraid women with MH and trauma issues are targeted by abusers. If someone had punched a wall I would have walked out the first time, no doubting myself.

Yep, and I'm sure he'll be just as sorry when his fist hits your face and not the wall too. Honestly get out now because it's only going to end one way. Sorry op