Be honest with me, wwyd?

[Colacherrydrops89]

Sorry to be vague, I am concerned about being outting.

My H punched a wall on the weekend upstairs in our home. It was hard enough that his hand still hurt the next day.

This is the second time this has happened.
I haven't told anyone IRL about either occasion. I don't have many friends or family to tell anyway.

I took the women's aid quiz last night and he doesn't do any of those things, it's just that it's a bit shit sometimes but not DV.

He's since apologized over text and call and in person. Just said he was just 'frustrated'.

Be honest, do I leave over this?
Or am I being rash in my decision making?
What would you do?

I will be transparent and say I do have PTSD due to childhood trauma and am under MH team so I'm asking because I'm not sure if I am overreacting over a mistake or something.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

Thanks.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. He can and does control
himself around other people so he does not have an anger management problem. Not that anger management courses are any answer to domestic violence. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on such behaviour.

Contact Womens Aid and plan your exit from him with care.

Punching walls is classed as domestic violence. Ignore anyone who says otherwise.

It’s not normal behaviour OP.
Does he hit walls in work, his parents home, in his friends homes? No, because he can control himself, he is choosing not to control himself with you.
Please don’t say children are involved?

No. It is not violence to get angry.

Punching is violent.

But you can fault him! There's a bloody massive fault, you've started a thread about it.

If his only failing was that he kicked puppies, you wouldn't be saying that "Oh yeah, once every couple of months he kicks a puppy, but other than that I can't fault him.". You'd have left the moment he sent that first puppy skywards.

Why is it different because he violence is aimed at you? (And it is aimed at you. He's not angry at the cupboard, he's not trying to scare the cupboard.)

i am afraid everyone will say i'm losing a good man. It's like this heavy secret.
Because genuinely people say to me that i am lucky to have him.
i'm scared he could change and i haven't given him the chance

and thank you for all your replies. i really appreciate it.

What does he do to effect change?

At the very least he has poor emotional control…Or it’s a warning sign for something more sinister.

Either way, I think you need to ask yourself if punching walls is a desired quality in a partner.

Because otherwise it’s just words. And he’s testing your tolerance for violence.

It never gets better. Only worse.

Soeaking from personal experience. And the experience of many many women on here.

Never minimise violence. It is not normal or acceptable.

i have been horrible and screenshot the message of him admitting he punched the wall in case no one believes me :/ is that a bad idea? because i feel like i'm being a bitch

he says he will change and then 'something' happens again

He’s literally punching walls and you feel like a bitch for saving evidence of that? I don’t mean to sound harsh here but if you genuinely think this I am quite worried about the impact he’s had on your confidence and self esteem. I think you need to be a million miles from this ‘man’.

I wouldn't leave over a partner taking his anger out on an inanimate object, but ...
If you feel he could every hot you or someone else then that's a different matter

@Maddy70 could you explain why you wouldn't?

I think you need to leave him OP.

How do you feel he does NOT fit the women's aid criteria for abuse? You say he "he certainly can't control his frustration or anger, he's slammed doors and walked out before, shouted, been sarcastic." It sounds like he fits the criteria for abuse on a number of aspects. Did you downplay the abuse when you looked at the women's aid checklist because it doesn't happen all the time? Most abusive men are kind and lovely some or even the majority of the time, they only need to be abusive a small amount of the time to gain control over you. If their abuse is really "successful" then they may only need to do it every few years but the fact they can behave like that infiltrates every aspect of your relationship and of you. It means you adjust how you behave so as not to "set him off" (less "nagging", more pandering to him, putting his needs first etc).

Women's aid physical abuse section includes punching walls or objects. That isn't normal angry behaviour. It is designed to scare and intimidate you - it says "you'll be next" so that you modify your behaviour. I bet you thought twice about asking him to go to the GP to control his anger again after he punched the kitchen cupboards.

I suggest finding the free pdf online of Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" book. It should come up if you google. It's really helpful.

If he hits inanimate objects as a way of getting rid of his anger that's one thing that would be ok in my eyes, but as I said before if you feel even the slightest notion that he will hit you or someone else then that's totally different

If he's doing it in a discussion/argument with you then for me that's very different to being frustrated after a bad day at work and he's telling the tale of woe and gets mad and whacks the wall. In the first I'd be looking at leaving if it was escalating or repeated. In the second I'd think it was pretty pathetic but wouldn't be overly alarmed.

I don't agree this can and does escalate. If a .an kept punching a wall at work how would you feel. I'd certainly feel intimidated. I'd d walking on eggshells maybe consider leaving. Who wants to live/work with an angry destructive man?

No, anger is the emotion.
The behaviour is indeed violent.

People are perfectly capable of feeling any range of emotion without resorting to violence or destructiveness, which is behaviour.
The presence of an emotion doesn't excuse violent, agressive or destructive behaviour. More so, it shows a problem with impulse control and lack of healthy coping mechanisms.
It also shows someone who believes that because of his emotion he's justified to break, destroy, damage, frighten, ... his belongings and also the people around him.

Being unable to sit with your own emotions doesn not excuse violence, agression or destruction.
Does it happen nonetheless? Yes
Does that make the people who behave this way inherently evil people? No
Should others condone this behaviour then? Absolutely not.
Behaving this way should be a signal that you have some thinking, growing, learning and maturing to do. Excusing this behavious does not encourage people to learn and do better.

Change doesn't happen when you toss the same exact ingredients in the same pot over and over again.
What is he doing, what is he actively changing to make sure things don't result in the same outcome?

I'm quite certain the answer is he's doing absolutely nothing.
And that's why you're perfectly justified to leave.
Not because he's human and makes mistakes.
But because he's taking zero accountability to make sure he won't keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

Have you ever lost your temper?

OP, you are not overreacting. Next time it could be your face that he punches. Have you got children or are you planning to have them? If so imagine them witnessing this.
Please leave before it escalates.

His behaviour is aggressive and controlling. He knows this will scare you and when it stops scaring you, because he does is frequently, he will raise his game.

Did you skip over this part of my post?
Does it happen nonetheless? Yes
Does that make the people who behave this way inherently evil people? No
Should others condone this behaviour then? Absolutely not.

Yes, I have lost my temper.
And when I have done so, I didn't expect others to coddle me and say that it was okay because I was "angry".
I don't expect others to bare the consequences when I lack emotional regulation and maturity. That ended when I grew out of puberty.
I don't expect others to make excuses for me.
But that's probably because I'm a woman and we don't make excuses for women the way we do for men.

Yes, it happens.
But we hold people accountable. It shouldn't keep happening.

I would seek advice and support, ie phone the Women's Aid helpline, and also arrange to consult a solicitor. Then a decision can be made based on experience, information and awareness.

Why does anyone else's opinion matter?

They're not the ones who have to live with him, they're not the ones he takes his anger out on

If you leave him and anyone dares to question you on it, you don't need to justify yourself. If someone says "But he was a good man", just say "You try living with him then"