Be honest with me, wwyd?

[Colacherrydrops89]

Sorry to be vague, I am concerned about being outting.

My H punched a wall on the weekend upstairs in our home. It was hard enough that his hand still hurt the next day.

This is the second time this has happened.
I haven't told anyone IRL about either occasion. I don't have many friends or family to tell anyway.

I took the women's aid quiz last night and he doesn't do any of those things, it's just that it's a bit shit sometimes but not DV.

He's since apologized over text and call and in person. Just said he was just 'frustrated'.

Be honest, do I leave over this?
Or am I being rash in my decision making?
What would you do?

I will be transparent and say I do have PTSD due to childhood trauma and am under MH team so I'm asking because I'm not sure if I am overreacting over a mistake or something.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

Thanks.

You don't mention DC and hopefully at the moment you don't have any because he's not good Father or Husband material. My previous neighbours had a lovely little girl, sweet, very well behaved and quiet, too quiet in fact, her DF was lovely to me, no favour was too much but I could hear the raging and shouting through the wall. That poor girl lived in fear of her DF, she made herself as small and quiet as possible trying to escape his anger until her DM wised up and they left him. Just because other people think he's a good man doesn't make it true Op

It absolutely is. Please stop with this enabling misogyny.

Punching a wall shows the victim what the abuser would actually like to do to them, if they weren't such a decent guy.

It shows them what might happen to them next time if they don't stop doing whatever they're doing.

They'd better be nice, and shut up.

It’s still scary to be around, particularly for children. Everyone having to walk on eggshells is no way to live.

I once read that if a man punches a wall or door it's because he's not ready to punch you. My ex once slammed the pantry door on me whilst I was holding DS and I knew he would start to be directly violent soon.

He didn't even apologise but being sorry wouldn't have cut it for me.

I think you answered your own question when you described it as “a heavy secret.”

We don’t have to keep our partner’s normal emotions and reactions a secret from our friends and family.

How would he react if you told your friends and family what you have told us?

The fact you are under the MH team for cptsd means you should EVEN MORE get away than wo it. It’s going to be massively triggering fur you and pushing you back into all your ‘usual’ tactics (dismissing, ignoring, dissociation all of which you’re showing).

Have you talk to your CON about his violence?

And btw, him apologising is all well and gone but punching walls like this isn’t being supportive of you and your MH.

It’s a fine line isn’t it. We’re not emotionless and in his case this is how he is displaying his emotions.

No I wouldn’t leave. But I would let him know that his behaviour scares you and encourage him with getting support to deal more constructively with his emotion's.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

He cannot control his temper.
This is not normal behaviour.
He has launched a wall twice and he has launched the cupboards.
At some point you might end up between his first and the wall or a cupboard.
He is utterly remorseful, which is typical of abusive men.
He is sorry, but not so sorry that he stops doing it.
You have PTSD and this is probably triggering it.
He doesn't care enough about your health and wellbeing to stop.
You have given him at least two chances (probably more) and he hasn't stopped.

What evidence do you have that he cares about you enough to get professional help?.

Get the receipts like screenshots of his apologies.
Keep them.
Get your ducks in a row.
Read The Script - it's on MN.
Wrap your support network around you.
Make your plan.
Leave.
Stay safe.

its how actual violence starts, please don’t this poster a disservice by suggesting otherwise.

And please don’t have “doesn’t cheat” as proof that he’s a good man. Not cheating is a bare minimum requirement

My ex used to cycle through this behaviour and then cry about how he was so awful. It lasted many years and slowly got worse until he was throwing me on the bed, backing me into corners, screaming in my face with spit coming out. He never hit me and he thought he was a great guy for that.

This isn’t the kind of incident where you must pack a bag and walk out the door immediately. That doesn’t mean you should not be thinking about the future of your marriage.

Your husband is violent and displaying common patterns of anger and then remorse. He isn’t unique in that regard.

If you aren’t ready to make a decision, then personal therapy may help you gain some perspective on the situation. I would not recommend marriage counseling at this time.

It genuinely amazes me that some women excuse this sort of behaviour. Punching objects is extremely aggressive and is designed to scare the other person, with the aim of shutting them up. At the very least it's manipulative, but at worst it's an indication that next time the punch will be in the partner's face.

OP you don't need any reason to leave. You can leave simply because you want to. He could be the finest man who ever lived and you can walk away. That is your right. Don't sit around wondering if you're doing the right thing or not - if you want to leave, do.

In your shoes I would not feel safe.

As others have posted, I too experienced a wall puncher who then became worse. I suffered PTSD from childhood trauma and was isolated, this made it easier for him to manipulate me with apologies. I was desparate for love so I continually forgave him. You deserve better, he has made you think no one will understand. He hasn’t undergone any self help. Maybe you could get support from your MH provider. Please don’t put up with this, he is exploiting your vulnerability and kind heart. Good luck.

Fwiw, my dad used to shout, bang doors etc… during the whole if my childhood. Still does now.
As a result, I do have cptsd….

Witnessing your father loosing his temper like this as a children IS damaging. Yes even as a one off.

MN is becoming weird.
Once a beacon of protecting women and taking no shit, we are now surrounded by make apologists that excuse them being violent becayse ‘it’s just an innate object’. A shame that DV charities dint see that way but as a sign of DV…..

@Colacherrydrops89 please also remember that you’re very likely glossing over many other behaviours because they feel normal to you. Or not as much of a problem. It doesn’t mean theyre ok. It means you’re used to them. That’s very different.
Your dh aplogising means fuck all tbh. I’m sure he apoligised the first time and yet it happened again. An apology wo change is nothing.
At the very least, if you still want to contemplate staying, he needs to go in a course to learn to control his aggressivity. Even better he should see himself as an abuser and take steps to deal with that side of him. Because tgis behaviour IS NOT OK. And a few tears and a ‘im so sorry’ isn’t enough

So he is misdirecting blame towards you for his own responses.

Crying and apologising isn't worth much if he takes no action to change his behaviour.

Get out as soon as you can.

Even if he did start anger management or therapy, you don't have to stay in harm's way while he sorts himself out.

Tough one. Both my DH and I occasionally yell and slam doors hard enough to break door frames. But neither of us have ever advanced to hitting each other.

My ex used to punch walls out of frustration- ‘normal emotion’- and punch the steering wheel when he was irritated in the car.

He was completely unable to cope with the frustrations involved in everyday life.

He ended up kneeling on my buttocks slamming my head into the ground with his hands round my neck.

A man who cannot cope with frustration is potentially dangerous because life is frustrating often & grown ups need capacity to cope with it.

I can see you are wary about leaving. I would insist on anger management counselling for him, and if he’s not ready to do it, I would leave. Before it gets worse, because it will.

Please note: children cause intense frustration. I’m not clear whether you have them. If you do, his ‘frustration’ will be directed at them too.

I find it sad that you see this as normal behaviour... That any kids you have will see this as normal behaviour.

Wow. I hope you don’t have children. What a horrible atmosphere to live in.

Incidentally, does he smoke weed? (My ex did & it was a big factor in his inability to cope with frustration.)

If he does, forget the anger management course. Leave immediately because this will get a lot worse.

He doesn’t need anger management help. He controls his anger perfectly well at work.

None of this is your fault. I could nag my husband til the cows come home but he wouldn’t punch a wall.

Get out before it escalates

I find yelling, shouting and slamming things utterly ridiculous in an adult. Do people who behave that way not feel totally ashamed of themselves?

DH and I have been together over 20 years and we've never so much as raised our voices at each other. We get frustrated, of course, but we behave like adults and manage the emotion in the moment, then talk about it later once we're calm. If DH ever yelled at me I'd find it very upsetting - my first worry would be that he was under some sort of severe strain or having a breakdown. If that weren't the case then he'd have to put an immediate stop to it or I'd be out the door.

It is not too much to expect for your partner to be a safe person who never scares you.

Wow.
I can’t imagine thinking it’s an ok reaction.
Do you do that at work too? With friends?

So yeah, people get angry, frustrated and emotional. We all do. Sometimes we think, say or do things in the moment we regret. We’re human. But at the end of the day we are adults. We can choose to respond appropriately to negative emotions. My kids’ primary school literally has signs in the classrooms that say “it’s ok to feel sad, frustrated or angry, it’s not ok to say hurtful things, to hurt people or to damage property” There’s an expectation that primary school children can understand that, adults should definitely understand it.

Anyone can have a bad day, but it shouldn’t be the norm. If I have an argument with my husband there will usually be some cross words and then we’ll sort it out. There’s been a handful of times in 20 years when one of us had got really angry and slammed a door or shouted (then taken time to calm down and apologised) But it’s not the norm. I’m not scared to mention stuff to him in case he flies off the handle and breaks something. The times he has shouted haven’t played on my mind for days. He isn’t worried I’ll smash something when I’m cross. I have never ever been scared of him or what he might do. I’ve never felt unsafe in an argument. Surely if you have a partner who has PTSD from childhood trauma and you love and respect that person, you make extra sure your actions don’t add to that trauma?

And let’s be clear about what those mistakes are. They are not that he isn’t in control. If the wall had nails sticking out he wouldn’t have hit it. If his mum was in the room he wouldn’t have done it. If it was his most prized possession he was going to break he would have done something different. He got cross, he felt the impulse and he made the decision to go with it instead of to resist. It was a decision fuelled by emotion but it was a decision nonetheless.

I hope this gives a bit of balance. We’re not all perfect all of the time and an occasional bad decision doesn’t make a bad person. But if it’s enough to make you scared, if it’s happened enough times that you expect it will happen again, if you’ve told him how it makes you feel and he has not stopped, then there is a problem.