Be honest with me, wwyd?

[Colacherrydrops89]

Sorry to be vague, I am concerned about being outting.

My H punched a wall on the weekend upstairs in our home. It was hard enough that his hand still hurt the next day.

This is the second time this has happened.
I haven't told anyone IRL about either occasion. I don't have many friends or family to tell anyway.

I took the women's aid quiz last night and he doesn't do any of those things, it's just that it's a bit shit sometimes but not DV.

He's since apologized over text and call and in person. Just said he was just 'frustrated'.

Be honest, do I leave over this?
Or am I being rash in my decision making?
What would you do?

I will be transparent and say I do have PTSD due to childhood trauma and am under MH team so I'm asking because I'm not sure if I am overreacting over a mistake or something.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

Thanks.

If you’re someone with trauma causing ongoing MH issues, you can’t live with someone with temper like this.

Even if he was only doing it when e.g. frustrated at struggling with DIY and not directed at you, it would be triggering for you.

But it is directed at you. That’s abuse.

My advice would be to get far away from him. It might start with a wall but it often ends with you being on the receiving end. I hope you're okay op 💐

But you and your DH don’t like each other and are happy to continue living together.

You’re also ok with having broken things in your home as a sign of your dysfunction.

OP is asking for advice because she wants better for herself and wants to be with someone who actually likes and respects her.
She doesn’t want holes in her walls or broken doors.
Her bar is obviously higher than yours.

Someone getting so frustrated that they have to hit something will always escalate.

If it’s OP ‘making him angry’ then he is hitting things because he wants to hit her.

If he cant control his actions so much that he can’t help hitting a wall, then he’ll absolutely end up hitting her.

I think this is the most worrying part OP:

"i have previously tried to address it, suggested GP etc and he punched the cupboards because he said I was attacking him, but I wasn't, i didn't mean it, i was just pointing out it's not ok. maybe i did nag too much, i don't know! i just wanted a conversation."

The way he reacts to you trying to raise this issue is to display more anger and violence, and it sounds like he's doing this very deliberately to get you to back off. This is more important than the crying and remorse, and it doesn't sound like he will change, because he doesn't want to.

You could maybe try raising it again in a calm moment, and pay careful attention to how he reacts. Always waiting for the next angry episode is not a nice way to live and you don't need any other reason to leave.

You say you don't have many friends, is that completely your choice or is it your DH making you feel shit about meeting friends that you've slowly stopped seeing them to keep him happy.

Whats he doing about this anger issue?

Because i bet he isnt punching walls at work

I have been known to punch a door when extremely stressed and frustrated. Doesn’t mean there is any likelihood of me actually hitting my spouse.

Why are you punching a door?

You are able to stop yourself but yet you still choose to do it and have marks in your door.

You mentioned that to everyone else you seem like a great team. Whilst punching walls doesn't necessarily mean he's going to be abusive but I think there's something else that's flagging to you. Whilst not knowing all of the information, from experience these "wall punchers" really only ever punch their own walls, behind closed doors. Wouldn't punch a wall in public if they were stressed? So not as out of control as they may seem. Something to keep an eye on for sure!

@Chiseltip "No. I just understand that people have emotions and sometimes show anger. It's not abuse to get angry."

Funny that this particularly variety of "emotion" doesn't extend to his mother, colleagues or mates then. I mean, he doesn't put his fist through walls in front of them does he?

You’re underreacting due to your PTSD. They punch walls to display their power and strength. Often that is enough to gain control over you and keep you in line.

My ex would lash out at walls/doors, shout, storm off... It's just that sinking awful feeling of being on edge. When will it happen next? What will trigger it?

Once you fall into the trap of amending your own behaviour to try and stop the above from happening. Then you know it's a downward spiral. It stopped me from enjoying things day to day. Hence he's an ex.

I think you may be tolerant of behaviour that others would see as deeply problematic. I suspect due to your own trauma.

Everything you have said seems to make you smaller, and his anger, bigger. Trust your instinct here, which is to leave, why stay with someone who shouts at you, is sarcastic and punches holes in walls?

Ducks in a row and work out your exit plan, then heal.

Punching the wall is to see whether you will tolerate abusive behaviour.

Once you accept this, it will ramp up. It might not be this year or next year, but he will ramp it up, and eventually he will hurt you. He will then apologise and say he didn't mean to hurt you, that he didn't know his own strength.

Get out of there and make a clean break from him in case he gets angry at you leaving - keep yourself safe. A grown man that cannot regulate his anger is not going to change and is highly dangerous. This is how it begins. Leave and make sure he cannot find you.

You are not over reacting, but also I’d agree with others it’s not black and white.

My DH has also punched walls when feeling overwhelmed by emotion. This was now over 10 years ago. He has never been violent towards me. I’m not saying it’s all fine, just that in this case the explosive emotion (and I’d call punching a wall violence) has never been directed towards anyone but himself.

In our case we have been helped by increasing our joint understanding of why my DH finding managing emotions difficult. He hasn’t punched a wall in years. Should I have stayed? For his sake yes, for my sake … maybe not as there is no magic wand and only so much change is possible. But I am here and there’s never been DV.

Only you can decide on your situation @Colacherrydrops89 But whatever path you choose please don’t judge yourself, trust your instincts.

@Colacherrydrops89

It doesn't matter whether anyone considers it abuse or not. The only thing that matters is you don't like it and it frightens you. That's all that's needed for you to decide to leave. You have the right to feel secure in your own home and to live in peace. (PS as far as I'm concerned any act of violence is abuse. Especially if the perpetrator knows it upsets you and keeps doing it)

I agree with others who say punching doors and walls is a 'starting point'. Violence usually escalates and only very rarely 'reverses course'. And that only with counseling and a willingness to change. He doesn't think he needs to change. He thinks saying sorry makes it all better, all go away. But it doesn't, does it? It stays and creates fear within you.

You are under the care of a MH team. I'd suggest you talk to them about his behaviour and how it affects you. Having a calm and supportive living environment is especially important to your well being.

And please stop hiding his behaviour. It's not good for you and it's not good for him. He needs to be held accountable for his actions.

No-one can really tell if he will get worse.

All I can say is that my wonderful husband has punched a door and shouted etc during an argument and always apologises just like yours.

We have been together 20 years and he is getting better. He is calmer now bc he realises that I am not his ex wife (his ex wife used to verbally and physically attack him and didn't care about him at all).

We still have arguments, but he has been much better for the last few years.

It’s not an acceptable way for an adult to get rid of their anger though when it’s done in front of someone else. Its a threat of violence. Imagine a parent doing that in front of a child.

Sometimes we all need to let off frustrations - by going for a long walk, a run, or kick-boxing (in a gym). But punching an inanimate object in front of a partner is performative aggression. If he really cannot regulate his emotions as a grown man, he needs to seek therapy. Because i can guarantee if he did that at work, there would be serious consequences.

So either he can control himself and is choosing to act this way OR he is not able to function as an adult with responsibilities and needs therapy. There are lots of reasons someone might not be able to self-regulate as an adult (childhood abuse, etc) and they are often not the person’s fault - but they do need addressed before they can be a healthy partner for someone.

Either male or one of those silly women who thinks that a relationship is more exciting if one of both of them is "fiery"

When on your own is the key difference here. You weren't intimidating anyone with a veiled threat that it could be their face next time.

Are you a 12yrs old or something? Do you live in a house with punch marks in the walls or broken valuables that have been trashed all in the name of "emotion"? Can you not imagine how that would feel to the other person living in that house to see there home the things they have worked so hard for being treated like that?

My husband once punched the wall. The next day I told him it scared me. He was horrified, apologised, never did it again.

I say this because 1) I don’t think hitting the wall means you have to leave immediately. 2) I do think you need to leave someone who doesn’t take it very seriously and change their behaviour immediately when you tell them not to hit things.

In the nicest possible way - could you not have found any other man? Not even 1?

I struggle to believe anyone is so desperate and without alternative options that they’d settle for a man that for years would get angry and punch doors.

Where is your self respect?

We are not robots and we all have emotions.
But I would not allow this behaviour more than once.

If I got so angry with my child that I couldn’t help but shout and punch things then I would immediately get help.

I bet your husband has never raised his voice to his attractive work colleagues.
Its funny how these men seem to not be able to control it around their wives, but can around their mates, at work or around attractive women - funny that.

Thank goodness you don’t have kids.

Thank you all. I have read every reply.