Be honest with me, wwyd?

[Colacherrydrops89]

Sorry to be vague, I am concerned about being outting.

My H punched a wall on the weekend upstairs in our home. It was hard enough that his hand still hurt the next day.

This is the second time this has happened.
I haven't told anyone IRL about either occasion. I don't have many friends or family to tell anyway.

I took the women's aid quiz last night and he doesn't do any of those things, it's just that it's a bit shit sometimes but not DV.

He's since apologized over text and call and in person. Just said he was just 'frustrated'.

Be honest, do I leave over this?
Or am I being rash in my decision making?
What would you do?

I will be transparent and say I do have PTSD due to childhood trauma and am under MH team so I'm asking because I'm not sure if I am overreacting over a mistake or something.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

Thanks.

You are very, very wrong. It’s not abuse to feel angry, but if you react like a child and can’t control your anger, and have angry outbursts it is extremely abusive.

It’s not just the fear for her safety that OP will experience during the outburst. It’s also the fear that she’ll have constantly, walking on eggshells and trying to placate her partner so that he doesn’t get angry again. It can destroy a person.

We should all feel safe with a partner. One that goes round slamming doors, throwing things and punching holes in walls is not a safe person.

I’m assuming you are male?

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world and they do not live with him day to day as you do.

How old were you when you met this man?.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by past trauma, are being further eroded by this man now. He is certainly not improving your PTSD or any aspect of your MH and I think he targeted you deliberately.

What were the circumstances? Were you in the room? Was it mid argument?

The context matters to me in terms of whether or not I’d leave. When I get frustrated/angry I like to throw/hit things. It helps to release it. But I would never ever do something like that around anyone else or in a way that brings their attention to it because a) it’s embarrassing and b) I’m not aggressive nor trying to intimidate anyone. It’s usually a pillow in the bedroom 😂

But you've already given him the chance to change. As you said up thread

"I have previously tried to address it, suggested GP etc and he punched the cupboards because he said I was attacking him, but I wasn't, i didn't mean it, i was just pointing out it's not ok. maybe i did nag too much, i don't know! i just wanted a conversation."

He's had his chance. At some point it will stop being inanimate objects he punches and he'll punch you instead.

And if those close to you think he's such a good man then that shows he just directs his anger to you.

This is not the behaviour of a man unable to control his anger, this is the behaviour of an abusive man who is very much in control of how he behaves.

I'd leave if I was in your position, before I became the punching bag.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Are your MH team aware of your H and his abusive treatment of you?.

This is who he is OP and such men do not change. He's not bothered about going to the GP at your suggestion.

What do you know about his childhood and or family background; that often gives clues.

You can live a life free from being abused by him. It is a small step from him punching walls to him punching you.

Good. Show this to your mh team. Show this to your gp
They can refer you for specific support.
You are walking on eggshells trying not to provoke him.
It is not good.
Tell people. Do not keep this a secret.
Andif let s say he does it supposedlybecause of your actions then another reason to split up so you both happier

Punching things says " be good coz it could be you i punch next time .... " keeps you on edge.
Crying about it is designed to make you believe you can save him from himself . You cannot.

I'm sorry to break this to you but no, this is not normal. If you're living with someone who behaves this way then I'm sorry to hear that but this shouldn't be normalised and it is certainly not the only way to express frustration. There are healthy ways.

We all feel emotions but there are many ways to express them without slamming doors, throwing cups or punching walls. Most of us on this forum have children in the house and this is NOT the sort of behaviour we should be modelling or normalising because it makes children live in a state of constant heightened adrenaline and is harmful to their development. A home should be a safe space for children and adults living in it.

Look at how many people on this thread have already disagreed with you. This behaviour is not a norm. If this is how you're reacting to situations in life then please seek some therapy.

I guess the people saying you lucky to have himwere not there when he punched things? Tell those people what happens.

So he can control his temper with his mum, work colleagues and friends but not with you.
I always think you should work at a marriage but not when violence is involved.
Even if it's with a door or wall it won't be long and it will be against you.
Please leave.

The poster is not ignoring them.
I punched many objects (when on my own) at home. It's called anger. I'm a female.

My ex punched walls, was aggressive, nasty and manipulative.
In the summer he was arrested for possession of indecent images.
Some of the comments I got
“oh he’s so lovely, it must be a mistake”
”surely it’s a one off and out of character for him”

No. As much as it blindsided me he was an abusive twat that hid it very well.

I really think there’s nothing you can do to make this behaviour suddenly disappear. And you absolutely don’t deserve to be intimidated like that in your own home.

Three things I thought about reading your post
~a book I read where it said we pretty much choose to show anger to make the people around us submit, and it is definitely a choice

~if it is an emotion he can’t control, he clearly lacks basic emotional intelligence. It’s not your job to teach him and he’ll never learn if he doesn’t do anything about it.

~ when very young I was with a man who exploded like that and was violent with things, etc. I was taught ‘men get angry’ but was very surprised because haven’t seen the behaviour in my family. I thought I can handle it, as I’m strong and smart. It’s completely ruined my self confidence over a very short time. Do not make my mistake. No one is perfect but there’s a boundary for your mental (and physical) health and him punching walls in front of you is very much violating that.

Are you scared of his behaviour OP? Do you moderate your behaviour because you don’t want to upset him? Do you ever feel like you’re stepping on eggshells?

Yes to any of these - leave him. It’s no way to live.

Yes it's good to save the screenshot and other evidence. You don't need to justify why you're leaving to someone else, but if you really need to show your parents or someone you can if course.

I don't like that when you suggested going to the go he said you're attacking him. It shows he's being irrational and doesn't want to change.

Hitting a wall is really not a rational way to express anger, let's just put that out there so there's an absolute issue there, particularly if it'shappened more than once.

Having said that, what I'm more interested in is when he is hitting walls or shouting or hitting cupboards, or slamming doors..... what is his objective? is it because he believes you are asking/saying/doing something so unacceptable he is so angry he can't control himself? That's bad.

Is it because he wants you to stop and, of course, once he's hit the wall, you do?

After these episodes, when he's apologising and supposedly feeling bad, does he nonetheless say things like, "I just get so frustrated when I feel you're attacking me"? This is bad in itself even in the middle of an argument, x1000 if all you were doing was asking a question or stating an opinion.

When he's apologising and supposedly feeling bad, does he accept that the behaviour was 100% his problem? Does he commit to fixing it? Does he do anything to actually fix it (clearly the answer to all of these is no).

As a result of this anger, do you find yourself behaving differently? Not challenging him on other behaviours in case he escalates? Biting your tongue to ask him to do something in case he loses it? Being extra cuatious about how you say something in case it escalates?

Because all of these things, which I suspect are definitely happening, are a sign that even if you somehow think that hitting a wall in frustration is sometimes just expressing anger (I don't), that there is a bigger problem here.

It's concerning.
What was he angry about? Is he angry with/about you and directed his anger at the wall? Or was he angry because he's in pain/something else that's frustrating but nothing to do with you?
Do you have kids? How long have you been together?
Is he willing to seek help/treatment for his anger?

Tbh, it sounds like this is not a one off. Is it getting more frequent?

It’s not normal for an adult to have to punch a wall to let out his emotion like some on here will have you believe.

op if you stay and he doesn’t get help then some day it won’t be a wall or a door, it will be you.

"I have previously tried to address it, suggested GP etc and he punched the cupboards because he said I was attacking him, but I wasn't, i didn't mean it, i was just pointing out it's not ok. maybe i did nag too much, i don't know! i just wanted a conversation."

He's already blaming you for his behaviour.
Have you already started managing your own behaviour to avoid setting him off?

I imagine so.

You think your childhood may be making you over sensitive, but it isn’t. It’s making you under sensitive. You’ve normalised it.

And the other people who may say you’ll be losing a good man… they don’t know him because he CHOOSES to behave differently in front of them.

You are not overreacting. Contact Women's Aid and get support while you safely separate.
He's not a good man. He's got you stuck in this cycle of flipping out, scaring you, then playing the victim and sucking you back in. He's training you to accept increasingly violent and frightening behaviour while presenting the face of a nice person to the outside world.
Please leave while you still can, this never gets better.

Abuse thrives on secrecy OP. Time to bust this wide open and tell your MH team. You can indeed be referred to specific support from the likes of Womens Aid.

I will give this post the annual 'pre-Christmas' boost in a min
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles]]]]

You say he is a lovely man, but Im guessing thats only so long as you dont challenge/question/disagree with him. Most abusers are. They want someone who is going to provide all the lovely bits of having a relationship whilst not having to compromise at all themselves.

that is always how it starts always

He is but another extension of your own childhood trauma. Now you're having a traumatic adulthood at his hands. He sensed in you damaged vulnerabilities which he has gone on further to exploit. A lack of support or a proper support network from your own family made it easier for him to get his claws into you.

In a few more years OP, it will be your face, or maybe your body if he is the type who likes to hide the evidence.

If once in a lifetime someone loses it to the point of punching a wall that could be a real one off.

As soon as there is a second time, they are on the path to punching you, maybe your kids too.

It doesn’t matter about us OP, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then leave him. My DH will shout and slam doors in an argument- as do I- but he’s never hit anything.

There’s a difference between taking himself off to hit a cupboard and punching the wall beside your head ( in terms of threat/ intent to intimidate) but personally I wouldn’t be happy that he felt the need to hit anything at all, and I would leave.